CURRENT ISSUE 4/2/02 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List: Steven Seagal Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	Probe Movie Review by J.J. Krueger   J.J.'s Oscar Recap What's up, kids? Totally sorry I didn't like get a review done last week, but I saw my favorite local band ClubFist play at Benny's last Friday night and there was this totally big fight, right? I totally didn't do anything but I got thrown in jail for like the whole weekend. I was just totally in the wrong place at the wrong time, got like sucker-punched, called this cop a pussy and then got hauled away with a bunch of other dudes. Ended up spending the entire fucking weekend in a cage with like 14 other like metal head dudes, including the bass player and drummer from ClubFist which was like a total bonus cause those guys fucking rock and they're pretty cool. It actually wasn't too bad -- I met this one dude who was saying he could totally set me up with this like killer Hawaiian green bud which would be totally fucking cool. I'm getting totally sick of smoking the schwag I usually get -- you gotta smoke a ton of it to get a decent buzz and then you totally get a huge headache after. So I'm talking with this dude, right, and he starts telling me about like space aliens, right, that aliens are like living all around us right now, like all the time. He says that they cut up cattle and like abduct people from small towns and then they totally do nasty shit to them and shove electric probes up their chutes. That was pretty freaky but I can totally see where the dude was coming from, because I've totally believed for like two years now that Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big Burger, is like from the planet Bitchdromeda in the like constellation of Blowme. That dude didn't think that was like funny or nothing, so I just like started playing cribbage with the ClubFist dudes and talked to them about like movie reviews and weed. Remember to like try and find their website and totally buy their new disc -- it fucking rocks. They missed a Saturday night gig because of the jail thing too, so they were kinda pissed, but I had a totally good time hanging with those dudes. Anyhow, long story short, I got super lucky because I wasn't holding any weed when they popped me and everybody's charges got totally dropped and Dean at Big Burger isn't mad that I totally missed my Saturday shift, so everything is totally cool. So I like recovered my weekend by watching the Oscars on Sunday night -- as a well-respected movie reviewer I got like certain duties and responsibilities. So anyhow, the Oscars sucked ass this year. So till next time, see you kids at the flix. Confidential to Brian J., Akron OH: No, YOU FUCKING SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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