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April 4-8,
2005

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April 4, 2005

Lengthy Process to Select New Pope Begins

VATICAN CITY (DPI) - With the death of Pope John Paul II, a centuries-old tradition of selecting a successor begins. Pope auditions will be held in almost every major city around the globe, with the 24 best applicants being invited to the Vatican to participate in the finals. The judging will be done by the College of Cardinals, consisting of Cardinal Simon, Cardinal Paula and Cardinal Randy. At the end of the competition, the winner is announced and signed to a lifetime contract by the Catholic church.

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani, Jody LaFerriere)

Minutemen Patrol Border for Mexi-- er, Terrorists

Arizona Border (DPI) - Waves of men calling themselves Minutemen arrived in southern Arizona this week, dissatisfied with the federal government's response to illegal immigration and ready to take matters into their own hands. Minuteman Billy Morse explained, "Ever since 9/11, we patriots have been very concerned about our nation's southern border with Mexico. President Bush hasn't done nearly enough to prevent Mexi-- er, terrorists from entering the country. There's a clear need for a mob of vigilan-- er, civilian militia to prevent anthrax and dirty bombs and such from getting into the country." Fellow member John Stark agrees, saying, "We're not racist thugs -- we're just here to keep those wetba-- er, towel heads from entering the U.S. via the Mexican border."

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

New Car Horns Ready for 2006 Goose Season

DETROIT (DPI) - The big three American automakers have finally addressed an issue which has frustrated drivers for decades: geese. "Up here in the North at least, parades of geese just stroll across roadways at will" explains Jerry Talbot, audio engineer for General Motors. "You honk your little 'meep meep' horn at a goose, it honks right back -- the rock-stupid bastard thinks you want to chat or something!" To solve the problem, new horn sounds will become optional on all 2006 makes and models of American cars. The new sounds are designed to get attention while correcting undesired behavior in both geese and humans. Among them: New York taxi driver shouting, "Watch it, ya freakin' moron!" and a Boston construction worker yelling, "Fuckin' douchebag!" Rosie O'Donnell singing Streisand will be standard equipment.

(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)

Pope, Falwell Advance to Finals

FOX News Misinterprets Vatican Barbecue

Britney's Boobs Hint at Pregnancy, Vagina Not Talking

This Headline Written by Some Foreign Guy Willing to Work for Way Less Than You

O.J. Probably Gettin' Away With Somethin' Right Now

Candle Shop in Rome Kicking Some Serious Ass This Week

Church: Harmful Effects of Masturbation May Have Been "Exaggerated"

The Christian world was shocked this week by comments made by Cardinal Richard O'Toole, who admitted that his recent study of adolescents failed to find any substantial correlation between masturbation and deteriorating eyesight in teens.

His Grace stated frankly that "there is no evidence that playing with yourself leads to blindness as was previously believed" and admitted that the church's prohibition of the act on medical grounds "would have to be revisited in light of these new findings."

However, the Cardinal was far from apologetic about the church's stance against masturbation during the past thousand years, noting that, despite the research, it continues "to be an act of pleasure performed solely by filthy perverts leading to eternal condemnation by God." He pointed to increased acne and abnormal hair growth amongst chronic masturbators as clear signs of the Almighty's displeasure.

Reactions to the Cardinal's conclusions were mixed. While the news was warmly welcomed by some in the Christian community, many priests are demanding an inquisition into the Cardinal's research methods.

Cardinal O'Toole, however, seems unfazed by the controversy and is already working on his next project: proving that the viewing of pornography and the thinking of "dirty thoughts" are the primary causes of declining vision in adolescents.

(Reported by Derek Cockram)

Notable quotes from this week's news:

"Medicine is at a loss to explain, but everyone who spent that much time around O.J. [Simpson] develops brain tumors."

- An anonymous physician familiar with the death of defense attorney Johnnie Cochran.

"If she doesn't leap out of her bed from fright, then you know she's mentally flat-lined."

- An unnamed Administration source suggesting Vice President Dick Cheney visit Terri Schiavo.

"It burns the nose a bit certainly, but sure, we'll crush up some crackers and pour a little wine in there."

- A Vatican official explaining how the Pope will take communion while on a nasal feeding tube.

"Any one who doesn't understand life is sacred, should be put to death."

- A sign outside of Terri Schiavo's hospice.

"He couldn't whistle through his teeth. They just love it when you whistle through your teeth."

- President Jacques Chirac on why world leaders received Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice with more enthusiasm than Powell.

"...pretty weird, actually. You spend a great deal of time dressed up like a Boy Scout and then your dad."

- Lisa Marie Presley on being married to Michael Jackson then Nicholas Cage.

"The irony is, of course, at this point he's hoping to hell there is no God."

- An unnamed critic commenting on Reverend Jerry Falwell's illness.

(Compiled by Davejames)