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Swift Boat Vets Claim Cardinal Arinze Never Took First Communion
ROME (DPI) - The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have
begun airing ads accusing leading papal contender,
Cardinal Arinze, of never receiving the holy sacrament of First Communion.
In the ads, members of the parish church where
Cardinal Arinze was raised claim they never saw
the young Arinze fulfill this important sacrament and
that Arinze was also a Protestant-sympathizer.
Critics point out that these accusers belonged to
Arinze's church many years after he left and have ties
to rival Cardinal Bruno Tattaglia. To illustrate
their attack, the Swift Boat Veterans have taken to
wearing Necco wafers and little grape juice boxes on
their lapels to mock Cardinal Arinze's alleged First Communion.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
U.S. Bars Prepare for Upcoming Leif Erickson Day
Budardalur, Iceland (DPI) - Iceland's Parliament has
declared April 14th as Leif Erickson Day in honor of
the arbitrary birthday of the 10th century explorer.
In the United States, bars are stocking up on light
blue beer and vodka in preparation for the soon-to-be
commercialized celebration. "Woo-hoo!" exclaimed
bar-industry lobbyist Stan Fieldhouse. "Another
foreign holiday to co-opt, blanche of all meaning, and
convert into a reason for binge drinking!" Fieldhouse
expressed joy with the position of the holiday --
between March's St. Patrick's Day and May's Cinco de
Mayo. "Now if we can just get Quebec to break off
from Canada, we can take St. John Baptiste Day in June!"
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Obituary
The Daily Probe is saddened to report the loss of our esteemed
colleague and former travel editor, Raji "Push" Pushparajah.
Push left the Daily Probe staff last year following a dispute with the company's
insurance carrier, but he never left our hearts. During his circuitous return
home to Mumbai, Push's leg cast became entangled with his cane, causing him to
trip and fall from the third balcony of the Prague Opera House during a
Czech National Stage Company performance of his favorite play, "The
Accidental Tourist." After nearly six months on a respirator, doctors
found Push's living will in his wallet and decided to remove him from
life support Sunday morning. Push was not married, and leaves behind no
family, as his parents and four sisters were trampled to death during a
Rio de Janeiro Carnivale parade in 1988.
(Reported by Charles Gulledge)
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College of Cardinals Throws Massive Kegger Because, Dude, No Pope For Like Ten Days!
Falwell Demands Another Spongebath From Male Nurse
Study: 81% of Guys at Bar Would Totally Nail That Hot Cop Chick on "Law and Order: SVU"
Howard Dean Announces Candidacy for Pope
Government Report: Teenagers Having More Sex Than Government Researchers
X-treme Mommy Makeover: Soccer Mom to MILF
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - FOX has announced the creation of a new reality show to air
during the upcoming summer season. X-treme Mommy Makeover: Soccer Mom to MILF
takes plain, ordinary, van-driving mothers and, through the use of extreme
cosmetic surgery, remakes them into beautiful, desirable MILFs. Contestants
will be judged by an expert panel of MILF hunters, which will include a different
celebrity guest judge each week. "We have signed several celebrities to do
the show," said Melissa Tannin, the show's executive producer. "We'll have young
up-and-comers Colin Farrell and Ashton Kutcher, along with veteran MILF hunters
Warren Beatty and Eddie Fisher."
The winner will be awarded a lifetime acting contract with Amateur Facial Films and Virgin DP Productions.
"I believe the show will have a huge teen following," said Tannin.
"Especially teen boys who are fucking their teachers."
Sean Hannity and Neil Cavuto will share hosting duties, while Bill
O'Reilly will interview the contestants in something called the "Loofah Lounge."
(Reported by Dan Burt)
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Riding Shotgun
With Adventure
by Ron Langston
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Chapter 88: Popping the Bubble
I arrived early, before the changing of the Republican
Guard, but Peter Drake was already in line. Drake
later explained that tickets for the president's town
hall meeting were available to the public, provided
that the public knew the location of the local
Republican Party headquarters, was on a list of GOP
donors, and could provide a picture of the public with
at least one member of either the Bush or Cabot Lodge
families. Drake had come prepared with forged
credentials establishing his GOP bona fides.
After obtaining our tickets, Drake lead me through the
first security check point, without much bother, but
we had more difficulty with the loyalty check point.
It took a few tries, but Drake was able to come up
with a convincing example of how President Bush was
like St. Paul of Tarsus, and we were permitted to
proceed to the debriefing station. The question
coordinator assured himself that we had no questions
of our own for the President and provided us each
with an index card to read in the event that the
meeting facilitator approved our television faces.
Once we were able to demonstrate a "nodding
approvingly" expression for the required 30-second
hold, we were a go.
Using a combination of bribes, secret handshakes and
Bible Code talk, Drake was able to get us through the
remaining check points and into the town hall meeting
room, with seats close enough to the president's
bubble chamber to actually smell the ozone barrier.
Sadly, just before the actress playing the part of a
local news reporter announced the president's arrival,
security detected that the change in my pocket was
minted during Democratic administrations and we were
escorted from the hall as "diversity risks."
Drake says next week we'll come dressed as characters
from a Tom Clancy novel and try again.
Next time -- Chapter 89: Into the Lair of the Rovebeast
(Transcribed by Slick Sharkey)
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