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CURRENT ISSUE Week of April 4-8, 2005 Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Monaco's Unemployment Ends as 47-Year-Old Gets First Job MONTE CARLO (DPI) - The last unemployed person in Monaco was finally given a job today, bringing the principality's unemployment to 0 percent. Albert Alexandre Louis Pierre di Grimaldi, 47, acceded to the Monegasque throne on the death of his father, Prince Rainier, and will now serve as head of state. However, from his 1981 graduation from Amherst College until today, Grimaldi spent his days courting models and starlets and hanging out with Formula One drivers. "I believe that 24 years of luxurious idleness has prepared me for the minor and largely ceremonial duties incumbent on the Prince Royal," Grimaldi commented. While Grimaldi's sisters, Caroline and Stephanie, do not have paid jobs, they are considered employed due to their roles as Monaco's top entertainers, providing amusement and breakfast table gossip to the principality. "Their appeal cuts across all our economic lines, from the merely incredibly rich to the incomprehensibly wealthy," noted Monegasque journalist Luc Ayotte. (Reported by J.J. Gertler) |
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 Deluged Vatican Re-routes Mourners to Graceland "T" in Tsunami to End Its Long Silence McCartney Petitions Yoko for Next Pope to Be Called Paul John Hawaiian Minutemen Report No Border Crossings Cardinals Meet in Secret to Address Red Sox Menace Self-Appointed DILF Not Seeing Much Action  Pope's Death Vindicates Iraq War, Bush Says WASHINGTON (DPI) – President Bush told reporters during a press conference this morning that Pope John Paul II's opposition to the invasion of Iraq resulted in his decline and death. "The Lord works in mysterious ways, but there's no mystery that He smites those who stand in the way of freedom," the president said. "The Pope was God's most wanted, his ace of spades." The president went on to say that Al Gore's impending baldness is evidence of the Lord's disapproval of his former rival. "Back down from tyrants like Saddam Hussein and God will give you a comb-over," the President warned. (Reported by Dallas Davidson) High Times Magazine Sponsors Own "Masters" Golf Tournament Woodstock, NY (DPI) - The First Annual High Times Open teed off during the week of the Masters, offering an alternative to players who did not qualify for the Augusta tournament. Players had to pass a drug test to be legible to play. Testing negative for marijuana use excluded many promising players. "Yeah, we've got a lot of amateurs out here," said Wayland "the Inhalin'" Pufferman, organizer of the tournament. "The only pros to qualify were John Daly and Chi Chi Rodriguez." Asked about the condition of the course, Pufferman said, "The course is righteous, man. Look at the rough! Grade-A hemp three fuckin' feet high, man. And the greens! We're talkin' numero uno primo shit." The toughest section of the course -- the 11th, 12th and 13th holes -- are known as Feck Weed Corner. The most dangerous hole of the group was the 13th, nicknamed the "Bong Hole." Several players suffered facial injuries taking hits from the cup as play was in progress. The "Bong Hole" was also the site of an unfortunate incident. Two golfers were taken to a nearby hospital after being assaulted by their playing partner, a giggling Chi Chi Rodriguez. Despite missing his quadruple bogie putt, Chi Chi began performing his flamboyant sword-fighting routine with his putter, then inexplicably stabbed his fellow golfers in the testicles. The first round of the tournament was canceled before completion after players smoked the 18th green while using their scorecards as rolling papers. Play will resume tomorrow after replacement grass arrives from Acapulco. (Reported by Dan Burt) |
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toiled, I humbled myself, I worked my fingers to the bone for the Guy,"
the embittered former pontiff allegedly grumbled, "and for what? To stare
endlessly, thoughtlessly at the face of God? Sure, on earth, I thought
this would be the cat's ass, you know, choirs of angels singing fit to
bust, and an interesting face -- an interesting face, mind you -- to gaze
upon forever. What was I thinking? It's been less than a week, and already
I'm tired of those piercing eyes. It's like a non-stop 'holier-than-thou
because I don't need to blink' staring contest. At least Satan expects you
to flinch. I'd rather be golfing in Hawaii or fly-fishing in Ireland, to tell
the truth." An anonymous deceased friend of the pope's said that the Supreme
Being "would certainly profit from an exfoliating scrub, a blackhead gun
and a bronzer."
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