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Eve Ensler, Vagina Part Ways Over Creative Differences
NEW YORK (DPI) – Eve Ensler and her vagina issued a joint
statement today announcing the end of their longtime partnership.
The pair shot to stardom nine years ago with the Obie award-
winning The Vagina Monologues and has since built a vagina-centric
media empire. Vaginas familiar with the situation report that Ensler
failed to spend a fair portion of her earnings on "frilly things" and spa
treatments. Ensler's spokeswoman said the split is amicable, but suggested
that Eve's vagina has complicated matters by insisting that its picture be
printed alongside Ensler's in all future Playbills. Men forced to attend
the play with their wives seem to support the vagina's cause. "If I have
to hear about it for two hours, I'd at least like to see it in full
color," said reluctant theatergoer Dale Wynn.
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
Bush Administration Uses Hand Jobs to Whack Unemployment
WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush today announced that he has signed an
Executive Order officially reclassifying masturbation as "hand jobs,"
thus adding millions of jobs to the economy. When asked how hand jobs
would contribute to the economy, the president pointed to former White
House reporter/male prostitute Jeff Gannon as a shining example.
Community colleges will receive "glory hole" grants to construct facilities
for hands-on hand-job training. Online training will be offered through
various porn sites for those preferring self-paced instruction.
(Reported by Dan Burt)
Britney Spears to Star in New Reality
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Physicists at UCLA announced today that they
have created a new reality for pop singer Britney Spears.
Explained Dr. Emil Hooke, "For many years, Ms. Spears has seemed
out of place within our universe, undergoing inexplicably rapid
sexual development, faster-than-light marriages and emitting
irresistible attractive forces, all seemingly against physical laws
as we understand them. In our labs, we have been able to create a wholly
separate plane of reality where Ms. Spear's phenomena will be consistent
with our artificially created laws." Spears will only be able
to contact our universe through the E! Network and the National Enquirer.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
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Big Bird Accused of Fondling Young Chicks
OSHA Issues "Thumbs Up" Safety Rating to Wendy's
Historic Upset as Scissors Trounces Rock
Michael Vick Allegedly Infects Girlfriend, Starting Center With Herpes
Study: Americans Saving Less Daylight Than in Past Years
Next Pope to Ooze Coolness
VATICAN CITY (DPI) - An anonymous Vatican source says that in an
effort to shore up declining Catholic Church membership among young people,
Vatican leadership is pulling together a short-list of "cool" names
for the next pontiff. Supposedly, the next pope will be hipper than his predecessors and
more in-tune with what youths are looking for in a spiritual leader.
"In 1978, everyone was more familiar with the Beatles," said the source,
"so when Albino Luciani decided to go with John Paul I, that was
cool -- trend setting, even. About a month later, we took it one step further
with John Paul II."
According to the source, top contenders in the name pool are said to be:
- Pope Urban VIII - "Urban! How much more 'urban' can you get? The
last Urban was only pope for 12 days, but medicine has improved quite a bit
since 1590."
- Pope Hilarius II - "Young people today love a good joke."
- Pope Lando II - "Star Wars is very popular with the young people.
A black pope named Lando would be a great idea."
- Pope Britney Christina - "Well, why not? It's high time we had a woman pope, and the young
girls revere these two chaste young ladies. Although it's a bit of a reach, the idea is getting a lot of play
in the Vatican chambers."
- Pope The Rock - "Okay, this one's a tad awkward. Still, it's got that
'upon this rock I will build My church' thing going for it."
- Pope Laa Laa - "Suggested by Cardinal Piccoli, who has a Teletubby fetish."
- Pope Doggy Dogg - "The current front-runner. Pope Dogg's direction
for the future of the church is already being set to rump-shakin' rhymes
on a CD named Strictly 4 My Parishonaz, just in case."
The source noted that the final choice will be up to the new
pope, but the name recommendations will be stressed heavily.
"If left to their own devices, we end up with popes Eleutherius
and Innocent. We just can't have that in 2005."
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere, Lars Fabriani)
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Ask Zarxnol
The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.
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Dear Zarxnol,
My husband and I were invited to celebrate Thanksgiving with his
step-brother and his family at their house. When we arrived, we found
their youngest child dressed in a princess costume from Halloween. It
seemed a bit strange, but children do like to play dress-up, so we just
overlooked it... until she whined about everything. She kept screaming in
a very high pitch that actually hurt our ears. The girl's mother kept
telling the girl that if she didn't stop, she would have to go to her
room. She didn't stop, and her mother never followed through. My question
is what my rights are as a guest. Would it have been acceptable to say
something? If so, what?
Stumped in Stillwater
Stumped:
Are you certain that the offending moppet was wearing a costume? Her
comportment and irascibility mirror those of actual royalty. I am
assuming Her Royal Highness lives outside your Stillwater, thus not bound
by the political structure you and Mr. Ped so small-mindedly presume to be
common and uniform throughout your region.
[Sigh.] Yet again, I must instruct a human about its own "culture,"
history, and civic structure. Stum, you encountered no princess. Since
the lace-bedecked imp is indisputably the superior in the household, and
it is known that her progenitors were present, passive and powerless, the
Youthful One most logically is the provincial Queen.
Within Her realm, the Queen sets all laws, rules, and customs -- both
expressed and understood - as to your "rights" as a guest with respect to
articulating displeasure with her company. Unless these rules were
publicly posted, it was wise of you to kowtow to common courtesy and
cravenly address these issues behind Her Royal back and out of Her domain.
Wiser were you still, Stum, to inquire of Zarxnol, Xargolian Conqueror of
Lesser Worlds as to how to plot Her overthrow! Aha! Indeed, I recognize
now your true question! At last, a puny human got one over on
me -- I equally congratulate and despise your cunning, Madam Ped.
Remember XIC2, Stum: Never underestimate a living opponent. Although
your adversary is but a child, She had to acquire Her crown by some means
other than inheritance. With Her youth as evidence, Her forces must have
usurped the crown for her quite recently, thus they are necessarily
depleted. With troop-strength superiority and the element of surprise on
your side, the only proper technique is a full frontal assault. Crush Her
before She can put the spoon back down in Her bowl of Lucky Charms between
bites! There will be heavy casualties, of course, but the majority of
those who ingest the war blade as their last meal will be Her forces.
Nigh is the day that Stumped of Stillwater shall eradicate utterly the
dominion of the Shrill Queen MiniBitch! All hail Queen Ped as her
Stillwet Ascendancy grows, engorged on the realms of trifling
pink-lace-laden tyrants!
Until I crush and enslave her in Xargol's righteous name, of course.
Regards,
Zarxnol
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Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com
(Translated by Carl Knorr)
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