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04/08/03

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Advice from Strangers



This Week's Guest:

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf,
Iraqi Minister of Information


Dear Information Minister,

I've been out of work for two months and the creditors are already threatening to repossess most of my belongings and my car. If I don't have a car I have no chance to find work. My life is spinning out of control and I just wonder when this nightmare will end. Thanks for any words of wisdom.

Desperate in North Dakota


Dearest Desperate,

You are confusing yourself with someone else. The company you work for is strong and you are crushing your competitors. Those who approach your automobile to take it from you will be crushed by the large tires that are fully paid for and owned by you.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf,
Iraqi Minister of Information



Dear Information Minister,

Two months ago my wife left me to live with another man. Just as I was coming to terms with this, yesterday I overheard two of her friends in the local supermarket commenting on how happy she has been recently. They even joked that maybe it was because of the great sex. Is it even worth the effort to approach her?

Miserable in Mississippi


Dearest Miserable,

Your wife is in your bed awaiting your powerful love missile right now. Her cowardly friends will also soon fall to your sexual might and you will pound them into submission. Any coward who claims to touch your wife will be crushed by the constant moans your harem will shout from your bedroom.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf,
Iraqi Minister of Information



Dear Information Minister,

Why didn't you join us on the last bus to Damascus? I know you'll run out of the "recent videos" any day now, and I only ask you don't play the one with Akmed posing as me again. Anyway, I hope the evil aggressors will let you continue your reports of our pending victory once you're in a POW camp.

Sincerely in Syria


Dearest Sincerely,

I am there with you right now. I am safe and sipping on chilled drinks while watching those delightful belly-dancers we love so much. They love my handsome body. We will take them on our victory tour as we march through the streets of London.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf,
Iraqi Minister of Information


(Transcribed by Mark Schmidt)





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