"Chemical Ali" Dead; Coalition Now Hunting "Telemarketing Abdul"

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - With the apparent death of Ali Hassan al-Majid, the Iraqi commander and Saddam Hussein cousin better known as "Chemical Ali," the U.S.-led coalition has shifted its focus to targets of lesser concern. Next on the list is notorious phone scam artist Abdul bin Shaheen, nicknamed "Telemarketing Abdul," who is believed to be hiding out in the suburbs of northern Baghdad. "One by one, we will hunt down and destroy any threat to America posed by the current Iraqi regime," said U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. While he refused to give specifics of other potential targets, experts speculate that future targets will include Omar "The Spammer" Mustafa, "Mohammed the Mime" Khalif, and Ahmed el-Debir, often referred to as "the Iraqi Pauly Shore."

(Reported by Brad Osberg and Jim Griffith)


Horrific Industrial Accident Results in Way-Cool Piercing

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. (DPI) - When maintenance technician Alan Beaucraft's attempt to store several hundred pounds of rebar on a catwalk led to its terrifying collapse, he thought his life was over. But a new life was just beginning. "While I was in the hospital, some freaky girl noticed the 6-inch piece of #11 rebar sticking out of my chest and was really impressed," he said. "Now I'm the life of the party." One grudging admirer concurred, saying, "Even my scrotum piercing can't touch that." Doctors predict that Beaucraft will be able to live a normal life until his next dumb-ass move finally kills him.

(Reported by Joseph Moore)


Coalition Troops Uncover Secret Cache of Baldwin Brothers


(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)


U.S. Soldier Plans to Keep Oil Well for Self

MOSUL, Iraq (DPI) - Marine Cpl. Jack Kiley has claimed rights to the oil well known as N4RL in the northern part of Iraq. "I know President Bush is saying all this oil is going to help rebuild Iraq, but I'm here doing the fighting and I say this one is mine," said Kiley. "Hey, get the hell away from my well, reporter boy." He claims he will also help rebuild a portion of Iraq, starting with a 5,000-square-foot "desert love pad" about 500 meters from the well.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Arnett: Decision to Become a Weatherman Was Mine

WICHITA, Kan. (DPI) - Despite NBC's announcement that it had severed ties with Peter Arnett, the veteran war correspondent contends that he left voluntarily to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a TV weatherman. "I simply felt it was time to pursue my true calling: reporting barometer readings and pollen counts to middle America," said Arnett. "For NBC to say that I was fired is really low. And speaking of 'lows,' a low-pressure system moving in from Nebraska may bring us showers by morning, so make sure you don't leave the cat out tonight." Besides reporting the weather at KRSV-TV, Arnett will also co-host a children's show with a sock puppet.

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Report: Iraq Forcing Female POWs, Spider to Share Jail Cell

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - American Red Cross workers returning from Baghdad today revealed that Iraqi Republican Guard troops are torturing female U.S. POWs by forcing them to share a cell with a spider. "It was terrible," said Red Cross worker Sandra Haselton. "These poor women were in the same room with one of those little brown ones that I hate." Haselton also said that in exchange for information, the Iraqi tormentors offered the POWs the use of a vacuum cleaner.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Whole Legless Thanksgiving Turkey Finally Clears John Madden's Colon

Gen. Franks Orders Use of Force Against NCAA Pool-Buster College Towns