"Chemical Ali" Dead; Coalition Now Hunting "Telemarketing Abdul"
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - With the apparent death of Ali Hassan al-Majid, the
Iraqi commander and Saddam Hussein cousin better known as "Chemical Ali,"
the U.S.-led coalition has shifted its focus to targets of lesser concern.
Next on the list is notorious phone scam artist Abdul bin Shaheen,
nicknamed "Telemarketing Abdul," who is believed to be hiding out in the
suburbs of northern Baghdad. "One by one, we will hunt down and destroy
any threat to America posed by the current Iraqi regime," said U.S.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. While he refused to give specifics
of other potential targets, experts speculate that future targets will
include Omar "The Spammer" Mustafa, "Mohammed the Mime" Khalif, and Ahmed
el-Debir, often referred to as "the Iraqi Pauly Shore."
(Reported by Brad Osberg and Jim Griffith)
Horrific Industrial Accident Results in Way-Cool Piercing
CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. (DPI) - When maintenance technician Alan
attempt to store several hundred pounds of rebar on a catwalk led to its
terrifying collapse, he thought his life was over. But a new life was just
beginning. "While I was in the hospital, some freaky girl noticed the 6-inch
piece of #11 rebar sticking out of my chest and was really impressed," he said. "Now
I'm the life of the party." One grudging admirer concurred, saying, "Even my scrotum piercing can't touch that." Doctors predict that Beaucraft will be able
to live a normal life until his next dumb-ass move finally kills him.
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Coalition Troops Uncover Secret Cache of Baldwin Brothers
(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)
U.S. Soldier Plans to Keep Oil Well for Self
MOSUL, Iraq (DPI) - Marine Cpl. Jack Kiley has claimed rights to the
oil well known as N4RL in the northern part of Iraq. "I know President
Bush is saying all this oil is going to help rebuild Iraq, but I'm here doing the fighting and I say this one is mine," said Kiley. "Hey, get
the hell away from my well, reporter boy." He claims he will also help
rebuild a portion of Iraq, starting with a 5,000-square-foot "desert love pad" about 500 meters from the well.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Arnett: Decision to Become a Weatherman Was Mine
WICHITA, Kan. (DPI) - Despite NBC's announcement
that it had severed ties with Peter Arnett, the veteran war correspondent
contends that he left voluntarily to pursue his lifelong
dream of becoming a TV weatherman.
"I simply felt it was time to pursue my true calling:
reporting barometer readings and pollen counts to
middle America," said Arnett. "For NBC to say that I
was fired is really low. And speaking of 'lows,' a low-pressure system moving in from Nebraska may bring us
showers by morning, so make sure you don't leave the
cat out tonight."
Besides reporting the weather at KRSV-TV,
Arnett will also co-host a children's show with
a sock puppet.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Report: Iraq Forcing Female POWs, Spider to Share Jail
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - American Red Cross workers returning from
Baghdad today revealed that Iraqi Republican Guard
troops are torturing female U.S. POWs by forcing them
to share a cell with a spider.
"It was terrible," said Red Cross worker Sandra
Haselton. "These poor women were in the same room with
one of those little brown ones that I hate."
Haselton also said that in exchange for information,
the Iraqi tormentors offered the POWs the use of a
(Reported by Miles Walker)
United Reformed Evangelical Foursquare Bible Christian Confuses Islam With Hinduism
"Fun Size" Snickers Bar Downgraded to "Amusing"
Sniffling Nail Technician Pretty Sure She's Got That SARS
Quick Invasion of Baghdad Has Networks Scrambling for Possible Mid-Season Replacements
Confused Madonna Installs Child Bustier Seat
Bob Seger T-Shirt Finally Succumbs to Wear, Tear
Embedded Tick Presents Press Card
Matt Lauer Haircuts All the Rage in Japan
Bush/Blair/Chirac ChatRoom Summit Meeting a Failure
Family of Anti-War Activist Longs for Day of His Return
Baby Shower Ends With One-Upping Score of 3-8-4
Mass-Increasing Penis-Enlargement Technique Involves Theory of Relativity
NEW YORK (DPI) - Breakthrough techniques promising to increase penis
length and mass will require patients to accelerate to
close to the speed of light, according to researchers. "Albert Einstein's Theory of
Relativity has previously been confined to the realm of nuclear physics
and astronomy," said Ingmar Svenson of the Amazing Natural Penis Size Enlargement Institute. "No one before had thought to apply its precepts to the
important science of penis enlargement. Here at the Institute, we
realized that as we took our patients close to the speed of light, their
penises would appear to increase in length and mass. It's as simple as
E=MC squared plus 7 inches."
(Reported by David Kass)
Maple Street Residents Divided on Bottle Rockets
TEANECK, N.J. (DPI) - The Maple Street Residents Association is sharply
divided about the possibility of bottle rockets at the Reilly residence. One
group of residents said they need to intervene because those bottle
rockets, with a range of almost 250 yards, could be used to deliver stink
bombs and other weapons of mass annoyance to all corners of the block. According to the Dupantaines, however, there is no real danger and their inspections while walking the dog have so far been successful in proving that. The Andersons have given Mr. Reilly until the end of the week to
turn over the bottle rockets or they will request action on the part of the
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
Threat Condition Increased to New Infrared Level
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge moved America from its current orange threat level upward past red to the new higher infrared threat level
yesterday, after receiving credible information that Al Qaeda had agents
in place who are invisible to the naked eye. "With the war and new information about invisible Al Qaeda operatives, we felt it
necessary to move beyond the visible threat condition spectrum into an
Infra-Red alert level," said Ridge. "We hope that one day, things will return to a
safe normalcy, when we can move to an ultraviolet condition when no
threats are detectable and posters will be really cool."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Lawn Care Fanatic Ruining It for Other Guys
TULSA, Okla. (DPI) - Winter has barely loosened its grasp on this sleepy
suburban neighborhood, yet Tulsa resident Haste Walker has already begun the
yearly lawn-care ritual that is the bane of his less-devoted neighbors.
"Haste is good guy and all, but he sure makes the rest of us look bad,"
said neighbor Ott Rodgers. "Our wives are all 'look at Haste out aerating' this and 'Haste is applying a broad-leaf herbicide' that, when all we want to do is watch a little baseball, maybe have a beer." A secret plan to fertilize Walker's lawn at night so he'd leave it alone during the day collapsed because of a conflict with NASCAR highlights on TV.
(Reported by Joseph Moore)