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04/08/03 Front Page Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List Riding Shotgun With Adventure Alaric Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Hello, sisters! I have to offer you my most sincere apologies for my absence, but the last few weeks around the university have been an absolute disaster. First, there's the war. Now, I have nothing against protests and civil disobedience, especially when it's directed at the cock-waving warmongers who run this Lilithforsaken planet, but things are strarting to get out of hand. I cannot even walk the halls of the university without being bombarded with anti-war slogans and cargo pants. This wouldn't be an issue if these young wymyn and penis-less males were educated on the evils of the male-dominated society that causes things like this to happen. Sadly, they aren't. I'll give you an example. In my class the other day, I asked a fetching young womyn decked out in a Rage Against The Machine T-Shirt for her opinion on the current conflict. FETCHING YOUNG WOMYN: No war for oil! ALICE HIGGINS: Ok, and what do you mean by that? FYW: (pause) No war for oil! AH: Do you mean that you think this entire conflict is about oil? FYW: Um ... yes! Shame on you, George Bush! AH: Well then, allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment. The cock-wavers in the United States and Britain are claiming that this is an attempt to force an evil regime to disarm. They're citing intelligence that indicates that the Hussein government has weapons of mass destruction, which they have used in the past, most notably to massacre 5,000 Kurds in Northern Iraq using chemical weapons banned by the United Nations. Between that, their human rights violations and their oppressive treatment of wymyn, don't you think that some force may be necessary to oust this dictatorship for the betterment of their people? [At this point there is a minute-long pause.] FYW: No war for oil! STUDENT 2: Yeah, you fascist! No war for oil! Lilith, give me guidance. I have a feeling that most of my potential soldiers in the fight against the penis may be nothing more than easily led automotons who will do anything Susan Sarandon tells them to do. As a result of the strife on campus, I found myself strangely looking forward to one of these horrid Ball-ywood movies, if only to escape for a couple of hours. Fortunately, I've found a winner. It appears, sisters, that Ball-ywood may have gotten it right for a change. Phone Booth is an incredible film. Picture this, sisters: A horrible, mouth-breathing dick-polisher is taken to task by an unseen assailant. It seems the lead character, played by testosterone machine Colin Farrell, is married but still trying to "seal the deal" with a comely young actress played by the ravishing Katie Holmes. Said assailant, voiced by the creepy Keifer Sutherland, confines him to a phone booth while threatening to murder him if he leaves. It's a lesson that the men of this world would do well to learn. Farrell is forced to return to the blessed, life-giving womb (replaced in this case by a phone booth) where the sins of his man-batter-spreading are exposed as the shallow, typically male activities that they are. By the end, he's reduced to a blubbering infant. And I couldn't be happier. For my money, ALL men should be confined to a phone booth by an unseen sniper. It might get a point or two across. My only complaint is the casting of Sutherland as the avenging angel. Why couldn't a womyn be dishing out this justice? There are plenty of wymyn with creepy voices. Why not cast Madonna, Anne Heche or Celine Dion? I think it's Ball-ywood's attempt to retain male dominance in such a true moral tale. Typical, especially coming from the same director who put nipples on Batman (apparently to show that men are capable of nursing the young). Of course, there is still a lot of penis-waving in the movie. Much of the film is shot from the point of view of the sniper. Since guns are so phallic, it's like putting a camera inside a penis-hole. Remember, sisters, anytime a man looks at you, it's like YOU'RE in the crosshairs. Once again, you have been warned! |
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