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Advice from Strangers 
This week, The Daily Probe is proud to bring you advice from three recent Academy Award winners... |
Best Supporting Actress JENNIFER CONNELLY |
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Dear Jennifer,
There's a neighbor we have here in Ann Arbor. She's an altogether pleasant woman except for the fact that she snoops constantly, and it makes me feel like we don't have any privacy! Should I grin and bear it, or tell her to butt out? Invaded in Ann Arbor Dear IAA, I have your response right here, hold on. Yeah, here it is. "First I'd like to thank Ron Howard for believing..." No, that's not it. Hold on. Ah, here we go. "Bread. Milk. Asparagus. Havarti..." Oh shit. That's not it either. How can I have so much paper in here? Wait. I think this is it. "EXT: HOUSE. CLAIRE COMES RUNNING AFTER JOE WITH TEARS..." Goddamn it, that's not it either. To Hell with it. She sounds like a bitch. Tell her to pound salt up her ass. JC |
Best Supporting Actor JIM BROADBENT |
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Dear Jim,
I've been working as a mailroom clerk at Goldman Sachs for five years. However, nobody in the office seems to ever be able to remember my name – they always just call me "Mail Guy." How do I assert myself and get noticed? Invisible Dear Invisible, Well, I used to go through similar things, so I speak from experience when I say -- No, I wasn't in Lord Of The Rings, dear, that was Ian McKellen –- Anyhow, what you should really try to do is -- no, honey, that's Broadbent. B-R-O-A-D-B-E-N-T -- right, as I was saying -- no the statue is mine. I'm not holding it for Randy Newman while he pees, dear. Thank you though. Anyway, try doing something of such note that people can't ignore you any more, like winning -- No, I was not the leader of the Canadian New Democratic Party... that was ED Broadbent... you know what, Invisible? As soon as I figure it out for myself, I'll let you know. Jim |
Best Actress HALLE BERRY |
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Dear Halle,
I've been married to my husband for nearly 20 years, and lately he just seems to be "noticing" younger women a lot. I know he'd never even dream of cheating, so should I just let it go, or call him on it? Feeling My Age Dear FMA, OH MY GOD!!! Thank you. Thank you so much for asking me this question! This... this question is just so much bigger than me! First... first I just want to acknowledge all of the great advice columnists that went before me... Dear Abby, Ann Landers, even that Heloise chick! I wouldn't be here without any of you! If it weren't for you, and your bravery, I wouldn't be standing here today, telling a middle-aged woman to keep her husband away from Britney Spears videos! If not for the trails laid by these brave women, it wouldn't be possible for me to tell this person to keep her eyes open around the babysitter! Thank you. THANK YOU!!! Halle |
(Transcribed by Greg Preece)
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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