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April 9, 2002



Dick Vitale's Wife Tires of Sexual
Commentary


NEW YORK (DPI) - "Whether awesome or not," said a candid Lorraine Vitale in an interview with Daily Probe sports staff, "I do not appreciate Dick's affirmation of my performance." Mrs. Vitale indicated she was particularly annoyed by the catch phrases assigned by the ESPN announcer to their most intimate acts. While declining to be specific, Mrs. Vitale confessed that terms such as "rim sweeper," "cream puff," "doughnut time," and "slam, bam, cram" belonged in the announcer's booth, not the bedroom. Mrs. Vitale decline to move beyond a general criticism, although she did suggest that Mr. Vitale's personal preferences gave a new twist to his oft-used "diaper dandy" catch phrase.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)



Study: Amish Internet Usage Remains Steady




Scientist Keeps Falling Short of "Mad" Status

TRANSYLVANIA (DPI) - Dr. Edgar Vantonian's most recent attempt at claiming "mad" status went awry this week when the mildly eccentric scientist accidentally incinerated a meteor bound for earth. "I built that laser to destroy the moon," the Doctor complained from his sinister mountaintop laboratory, "and I saved the world from certain doom instead. This is worse than the time I tried creating the world's most powerful biological weapon and invented marshmallow puff." Other failed attempts at becoming known as "evil" and "diabolical" have involved a sinister robot army that became last Christmas' hottest toy craze, and a race of psychic dogs now used to assist the handicapped.

(Reported by George MacMillan)



FDA Approves Powerful New Placebo

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Pharmaceutical giant Bayer won final FDA approval today for its new placebo, "Ipitiyanol", which is the first placebo to intentionally induce side effects. "Ipitiyanol can cause a full range of reactions," said Doctor John Drew of the University of Oregon, "including nausea, diarrhea, and even addiction. This is great news for the drug-testing community, as any testing control group will now actually believe they are taking the real drug." One of the patients from final study confirmed this assessment, "After the nasty rash, temporary blindness, and withdrawal seizures I certainly didn't think I was just taking a placebo."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)



Middle East Effigy Inventories Running Low

TEL AVIV (DPI) - Due to increasing Middle East tensions, effigy retailers throughout the region are finding it difficult to maintain stocks of crude likenesses. "They're flying off the shelves!" said market owner Ranaan Samir. "Bush, Sharon, Arafat. Even old Reagans from the backroom are being snatched up." Effigy quality has declined as manufacturers struggle to meet demand. "This is a bunch of old rags sewn together," bemoaned a Palestinian protester as he shook his latest purchase. "You can't even tell who it's supposed to be. We should make an effigy of the man who made this effigy and burn it!" Added a passing protester, "Hey, that looks like Richard Gere."

(Reported by George MacMillan)



Salvation, KISS Armies to Merge

NEW YORK (DPI) - One of America's strongest advocates for the homeless has consolidated with the nation's largest heavy metal fan club this week, as the Salvation Army and the KISS Army announced an upcoming merger. According to experts, the Salvation Army should benefit from the KISS Army's large membership, which could provide thousands of new head-banging bell ringers during Christmas season. In addition, KISS Army members have committed to donating over 250,000 worn-out black concert T-shirts to the Salvation Army's second-hand clothing stores. Furthermore, the KISS Army should benefit from the Salvation Army's large, established infrastructure and nationwide chain of detox centers and transient housing facilities.

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)




Queen Mum, Milton Berle Have Dead Pool Jerseys Retired

New Clerical Collars to Have Built-In Shock Device

Sources Say Hurricanes Unfairly Targeting Florida Jews

Halle Berry Downgraded to Sniffle

12-Stepping Vegetarian Feminist Lesbian Runs Out of Bumper Space

Female Suicide Bombers Promised 72 Towel Boys

Michael Jacksonesque or Liza Minnelliesque Debate Reaches Third Day

Carrot Top a Bottom

More headlines




McDonald's Announces New "Body Part"
Game





Argentina Predicts Falklands Like Them Better Than the UK

Buenos Aires (DPI) - Moments before his overthrow, Argentine President Eduardo Duhalde predicted that the Falkland Islands will one day choose to be part of Argentina. Duhalde's successor then said that Argentina and the Falklands could peacefully co-exist side by side. The two Presidents after that both believed that military invasion was the only course. This was followed by a President who believed the islanders should each be given 1 million dollars to join Argentina. A new President replaced him in record time. The Governor of the Falklands stated "With the shape they're in we should probably invade them."

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)



Normal, Pleasant Guy Discovered in
Next Seat


ATLANTA (DPI) - A completely normal and personable guy has been discovered in the next seat on a recent Delta Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Atlanta. Lacking any type of annoying personal habit or hygiene issue, the guy spent much of the flight reading a magazine and casually chatting in a non-invasive and charming manner. His conversation reportedly was about topics that had nothing to do with any type of Loch Ness conspiracy theory. Clean, inconspicuously-dressed and lacking in any discernible odor whatsoever, the guy was last seen exiting the aircraft with a kind "goodbye" and a smile, leaving behind no type of Amway literature materials at all.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



Video Game to Blame in Latest Middle East Conflict

JERUSALEM (DPI) - Officials claimed today that because of the two devices' proximity in the Israeli Army Headquarters, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon mistakenly believed he was playing the popular Israeli video game "Kill Arafat", set to the "smoldering rubble" level of difficulty, instead of issuing real world commands through the Army's computerized Strategic Troop Interface Device. When told of his mistake, which caused the Israeli military to run riot over Palestinian West Bank territory, Sharon answered simply, "I can't hit 'pause', the tanks are already on their way. What's a man to do?"

(Reported by Davejames)



  World News
¤ Lindh Voted "Purtiest Taliban" by Fellow Inmates
¤ Queen Mum Discovers Diana Outranks Her in Heaven
¤ Bin Laden Sighted at New Orleans Sizzler
¤ Arafat Clench Meter at "Diamond Producing"

  Domestic News
¤ USDA Lists Sex Sandwich as Valuable Part of Your Diet
¤ Supreme Court to Review "Stick a Needle in My Eye" Contracts
¤ Unused AOL CDs Now Exceed World's Population
¤ Parishioners Suddenly Grateful for Boozing, Embezzling Priest
¤ JesusChristThatCarAlmostHitThatDog

  Local News
¤ Survey: Your Mom's a Whore
¤ Man Sues General Mills After Charms Fail to Be Lucky
¤ Opinion: Enough with the Fucking Winter, Already
¤ Dog Loves Taste of New Improved Milkbones, His Own Feces

  Entertainment
¤ Ebert, Roeper's Thumbs Demand Higher Salary
¤ New IMAX Porno Makes Guys Feel Even More Inadequate
¤ Movie-Goer Loudly Recaps Each Event for Sake of Clarity
¤ Megadeth Megaded

  Sports
¤ 14 Injured in David Wells Chili-Dog Mishap
¤ Bonds on Pace to Hit Record 15,793 Homers This Year
¤ Bills Going to Suck




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