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CURRENT ISSUE Week of April 11-15, 2005 Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Wall Street Miracle: Trump Shits Gold Bricks NEW YORK (DPI) - Reality-television megastar Donald Trump yesterday extruded bricks of pure 24-karat gold bullion from between his ass cheeks, according to his press agent. Trump, who first made his name in the high-end real-estate business in the 1980s, has failed spectacularly in each and every multi-billion dollar venture upon which he has ever put his name -– going personally bankrupt at least twice. Regardless, his overwhelming bombast, arrogance and hairstyle resilience have spawned an unassailable cult of personality about him which gets more impervious and unfathomable with time. While Trump's claim to laying golden logs is subject to forensic verification, upon first glance, the dubious golden turds appear to be normal butt-loaves wrapped in gold-tinted foil. (Reported by Lars Eisenberg) |
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 Britons Urge Paparazzi to Recklessly Chase Camilla's Limousine Rumsfeld Warns Iraq: Don't Make Us Come Back There EPA Nominee Declares Natural Areas Threatened by Lack of Development Cardinal Law Gets Earful From ABILF Brit Hume Changes Name to Bob Heartland  Diplomacy Takes Time, Love and Tenderness, Croons Bolton WASHINGTON (DPI) – President Bush's nominee to the United Nations left a hostile Senate Foreign Relations committee spellbound with the aid of his '80s soft-rock songbook. Deftly brushing aside criticism and his thinning mullet, Bolton proved that he is still the golden-throated wonder that once served as special envoy to The Oprah Winfrey Show. Asked by Senator Joe Biden to describe his posture toward North Korea, Mr. Bolton sang simply, "How am I supposed to live without you, Kim Jong Il?" Each superfluous vocal arpeggio combined with his credentials as former undersecretary of celebrity softball to increase the likelihood Bolton will be confirmed as the United State's U.N. delegate. Transcripts of the hearing will be available through Time Life around Christmastime. (Reported by Dallas Davidson) "Detachment Parenting" Encourages Babies to Sleep Through the Night LOS ANGELES (DPI) - As an alternative to the "Ferber Method" of letting babies cry for increasing periods of time overnight, the new "detachment parenting" school is encouraging parents to give their babies electric shocks every time they have to come in to the nursery to soothe the baby. Explained Dr. Maxwell Franklin, "Leaving an infant alone to cry will only teach the child to crave his parents' presence. But if we can link in the child's mind the presence of his parents with a mild 100-volt shock to his feet, he will stop looking to his parents as a calming influence." Franklin added that although "a good whack with a rolled-up newspaper" has the same effect, further research is still needed regarding the use of air horns. (Reported by Simon Paul) |
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weeks, fueling gossip that they've been busy
feathering the kennel. Spears reveals that her litter
is set to arrive this fall, around the time that Paris
Hilton is scheduled to abandon her pet Chihuahua
Tinkerbell in the parking lot of the Palms Hotel and
Casino. When called for comment, Spears' husband Kevin
Federline expressed support for the pregnancy, saying,
"As long as Brit reserves a teat for me, I'm cool with it."
I can't tell you all the names on my enemies list, but #17 is the night manager at the donut shop.
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