Pregnant Spears Expecting First Chihuahua Litter
LOS ANGELES (DPI) – Britney Spears announced her
pregnancy via her website today, confirming rumors
that she is in fact her pet dog Bit Bit's bitch. The
singer and her Louis Vuitton-purse-accessory-cum-canine-lover
have been hoarding old newspapers for
weeks, fueling gossip that they've been busy
feathering the kennel. Spears reveals that her litter
is set to arrive this fall, around the time that Paris
Hilton is scheduled to abandon her pet Chihuahua
Tinkerbell in the parking lot of the Palms Hotel and
Casino. When called for comment, Spears' husband Kevin
Federline expressed support for the pregnancy, saying,
"As long as Brit reserves a teat for me, I'm cool with it."
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
Wall Street Miracle: Trump Shits Gold Bricks
NEW YORK (DPI) - Reality-television megastar Donald Trump
yesterday extruded bricks of pure 24-karat gold bullion from
between his ass cheeks, according to his press agent. Trump, who first made his name in the high-end
real-estate business in the 1980s, has failed spectacularly in each and every multi-billion
dollar venture upon which he has ever put his name -– going
personally bankrupt at least twice. Regardless, his overwhelming
bombast, arrogance and hairstyle resilience have spawned an
unassailable cult of personality about him which gets more impervious
and unfathomable with time. While Trump's claim to laying golden logs
is subject to forensic verification, upon first glance, the dubious
golden turds appear to be normal butt-loaves wrapped in gold-tinted foil.
(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)
Britons Urge Paparazzi to Recklessly Chase Camilla's Limousine
Rumsfeld Warns Iraq: Don't Make Us Come Back There
EPA Nominee Declares Natural Areas Threatened by Lack of Development
Cardinal Law Gets Earful From ABILF
Brit Hume Changes Name to Bob Heartland
Diplomacy Takes Time, Love and Tenderness, Croons Bolton
WASHINGTON (DPI) – President Bush's nominee to the United
Nations left a hostile Senate Foreign Relations committee spellbound
with the aid of his '80s soft-rock songbook. Deftly brushing aside
criticism and his thinning mullet, Bolton proved that he is still the
golden-throated wonder that once served as special envoy to The Oprah
Winfrey Show. Asked by Senator Joe Biden to describe his posture toward
North Korea, Mr. Bolton sang simply, "How am I supposed to live without
you, Kim Jong Il?" Each superfluous vocal arpeggio combined with his credentials as
former undersecretary of celebrity softball to increase the likelihood
Bolton will be confirmed as the United State's U.N. delegate. Transcripts
of the hearing will be available through Time Life around Christmastime.
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
"Detachment Parenting" Encourages Babies to Sleep Through the Night
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - As an alternative to the "Ferber
Method" of letting babies cry for increasing periods
of time overnight, the new "detachment parenting" school is
encouraging parents to give their babies electric
shocks every time they have to come in to the nursery
to soothe the baby. Explained Dr. Maxwell Franklin,
"Leaving an infant alone to cry will only teach the
child to crave his parents' presence. But if we can
link in the child's mind the presence of his parents
with a mild 100-volt shock to his feet, he will stop
looking to his parents as a calming influence."
Franklin added that although "a good whack with a rolled-up
newspaper" has the same effect, further research is still
needed regarding the use of air horns.
(Reported by Simon Paul)
Musing With Mitch
by Mitchell Kobriger
I can't tell you all the names on my enemies list, but #17 is the night manager at the donut shop.
I just saw the new Doublemint twins ads. Wow! Those girls haven't aged a bit! Hubba hubba!
President Bush needs to encourage more competition among dictionary brands. Period.
I'm trying to remember if the ones in the front are the incisors or the cuspids. Anyone?
Don't tell anyone, but I secretly relish stretching out in the wide open spaces of the men's room handicapped stall.
If Prince William were a valet, I would hand him my keys without a second thought. Sadly, the same can't be said for Prince Harry.
Idea! How about a toothbrush with a tiny built-in TV screen? Practicing good dental hygiene shouldn't mean having to miss your favorite shows
I used to date a girl with really long earlobes. I miss that.
I'm nostalgic for many things, but old homemade ice cream makers, barber poles and horses would probably top the list.
Who's your daddy? Man, I love saying that. It's going to be my new thing around town. Who's your daddy?!?
I hope NHL hockey never comes back. I'm really getting into Desperate Housewives and I don't think I'd have time to keep up with both.
Anybody know how I can get my steam iron unclogged? It's getting a little wrinkly around the Mitch household.
I may be selfish, but I want my photos in forty-five minutes, thank you very much.
It's hard to get my attention. But if you happen to be yelling "Who wants some free peanuts?" I'm all ears.
I think Lee Majors needs to star in a courtroom drama. Hey, if Captain Kirk can do it, why not Colonel Steve Austin?