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April 11-15,
2005

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April 13, 2005



Pregnant Spears Expecting First Chihuahua Litter

LOS ANGELES (DPI) Britney Spears announced her pregnancy via her website today, confirming rumors that she is in fact her pet dog Bit Bit's bitch. The singer and her Louis Vuitton-purse-accessory-cum-canine-lover have been hoarding old newspapers for weeks, fueling gossip that they've been busy feathering the kennel. Spears reveals that her litter is set to arrive this fall, around the time that Paris Hilton is scheduled to abandon her pet Chihuahua Tinkerbell in the parking lot of the Palms Hotel and Casino. When called for comment, Spears' husband Kevin Federline expressed support for the pregnancy, saying, "As long as Brit reserves a teat for me, I'm cool with it."

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)



Wall Street Miracle: Trump Shits Gold Bricks

NEW YORK (DPI) - Reality-television megastar Donald Trump yesterday extruded bricks of pure 24-karat gold bullion from between his ass cheeks, according to his press agent. Trump, who first made his name in the high-end real-estate business in the 1980s, has failed spectacularly in each and every multi-billion dollar venture upon which he has ever put his name - going personally bankrupt at least twice. Regardless, his overwhelming bombast, arrogance and hairstyle resilience have spawned an unassailable cult of personality about him which gets more impervious and unfathomable with time. While Trump's claim to laying golden logs is subject to forensic verification, upon first glance, the dubious golden turds appear to be normal butt-loaves wrapped in gold-tinted foil.

(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)




Britons Urge Paparazzi to Recklessly Chase Camilla's Limousine

Rumsfeld Warns Iraq: Don't Make Us Come Back There

EPA Nominee Declares Natural Areas Threatened by Lack of Development

Cardinal Law Gets Earful From ABILF

Brit Hume Changes Name to Bob Heartland




Diplomacy Takes Time, Love and Tenderness, Croons Bolton

WASHINGTON (DPI) President Bush's nominee to the United Nations left a hostile Senate Foreign Relations committee spellbound with the aid of his '80s soft-rock songbook. Deftly brushing aside criticism and his thinning mullet, Bolton proved that he is still the golden-throated wonder that once served as special envoy to The Oprah Winfrey Show. Asked by Senator Joe Biden to describe his posture toward North Korea, Mr. Bolton sang simply, "How am I supposed to live without you, Kim Jong Il?" Each superfluous vocal arpeggio combined with his credentials as former undersecretary of celebrity softball to increase the likelihood Bolton will be confirmed as the United State's U.N. delegate. Transcripts of the hearing will be available through Time Life around Christmastime.

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)


"Detachment Parenting" Encourages Babies to Sleep Through the Night

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - As an alternative to the "Ferber Method" of letting babies cry for increasing periods of time overnight, the new "detachment parenting" school is encouraging parents to give their babies electric shocks every time they have to come in to the nursery to soothe the baby. Explained Dr. Maxwell Franklin, "Leaving an infant alone to cry will only teach the child to crave his parents' presence. But if we can link in the child's mind the presence of his parents with a mild 100-volt shock to his feet, he will stop looking to his parents as a calming influence." Franklin added that although "a good whack with a rolled-up newspaper" has the same effect, further research is still needed regarding the use of air horns.

(Reported by Simon Paul)


Musing With Mitch  

by Mitchell Kobriger  

Mitchell Kobriger


I can't tell you all the names on my enemies list, but #17 is the night manager at the donut shop.

I just saw the new Doublemint twins ads. Wow! Those girls haven't aged a bit! Hubba hubba!

President Bush needs to encourage more competition among dictionary brands. Period.

I'm trying to remember if the ones in the front are the incisors or the cuspids. Anyone?

Don't tell anyone, but I secretly relish stretching out in the wide open spaces of the men's room handicapped stall.

If Prince William were a valet, I would hand him my keys without a second thought. Sadly, the same can't be said for Prince Harry.

Idea! How about a toothbrush with a tiny built-in TV screen? Practicing good dental hygiene shouldn't mean having to miss your favorite shows

I used to date a girl with really long earlobes. I miss that.

I'm nostalgic for many things, but old homemade ice cream makers, barber poles and horses would probably top the list.

Who's your daddy? Man, I love saying that. It's going to be my new thing around town. Who's your daddy?!?

I hope NHL hockey never comes back. I'm really getting into Desperate Housewives and I don't think I'd have time to keep up with both.

Anybody know how I can get my steam iron unclogged? It's getting a little wrinkly around the Mitch household.

I may be selfish, but I want my photos in forty-five minutes, thank you very much.

It's hard to get my attention. But if you happen to be yelling "Who wants some free peanuts?" I'm all ears.

I think Lee Majors needs to star in a courtroom drama. Hey, if Captain Kirk can do it, why not Colonel Steve Austin?









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