Fewer High School Students See Selves as Future Despots
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - A recent survey of high school guidance counselors
found that more students are opting for white-collar vocations by way of college and dramatically fewer for occupations such as murderous despot. "We're pretty sure it's this Iraq thing," said counselor Nora Elliot. "What once looked like a lifetime of stable employment and rich benefits now seems to be otherwise." According to one student, the "dying holed up in a feces- and urine-filled bunker" is the turnoff, although massive military parades and shiny uniform medals are "way cool."
(Reported by Davejames)
"Missile in the Groin" Clip Wins on Iraq's Funniest Home Videos
(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)
Report: Rumsfeld "Angers Up" for Briefings
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Feeling he's at his sharpest when angry, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld won't come out to news briefings until he is
"properly angered up," an aide revealed yesterday. To keep his
irritation levels high, Rumsfeld uses a host of angering exercises, including watching Barbra Streisand's appearance on Rosie O'Donnell's old show, and placing crushed glass in his underwear. Although doctors have warned Rumsfeld of potential hypertension, he actually relishes the idea, reportedly in the belief that a "good throbbing vein in the forehead" helps keep reporters' stupidity to a minimum.
(Reported by Davejames)
Christopher Reeve to Star in Movie About Paralyzed Guy
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - In a move that surprised the movie
industry, actor Christopher Reeve has signed on to
portray a paralyzed guy in a new movie.
"I was really torn, because I was also thinking about
doing a different script, one about Olympic speed
skater Dan Jansen," said Reeve. "But instead, I opted
to do this movie about a quadriplegic." The 50-year-old actor said he trusted his gut feeling. " I guess the character's
story just really spoke to me on some visceral,
intuitive level," he said.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Iraqis to Learn Western Looting Techniques
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI)- Special looting advisers from Los Angeles and Detroit were flown into Baghdad today to help the Iraqi people focus their haphazard and unprofitable pilfering, an unnamed source revealed. The advisers, veterans of the Detroit Pistons and Los Angeles Lakers basketball championships, were said to be dismayed by what they called "Third Worldish and amateur" mayhem. "I saw people running past electronics stores to get to bakeries and markets," said adviser Mark Felham. "They're not thinking long-term. The Red Cross is going to hand out food and water soon, but no aid worker's going to wheel a 57-inch big screen into your house."
(Reported by Davejames)
You Have Herpes
YOUR HMO (DPI) - According to doctors from your local HMO, you have herpes.
"The research has finally come back from the lab in Arizona and the urine
sperm samples clearly show that you have a mild case of herpes," your doctor
said. Your doctor has been unable to determine exactly how long you've had
the disease, but noticed the disease was present by a series of lesions and
swollen lymph nodes near the genital area. Because of the undetermined
amount of time, doctors are also unable to determine a source of the
"Dude, it could be that Hooters waitress that you scored with last year -- you know those chicks are easy," your best friend said.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Amateur Suicide Bomber Strikes Again
Saddam's Paper Boy Looks to U.S. for Payment
Jubilant Mistresses Dance on Saddam's Dildo
Hollywood Returns to Yammering About Tibet
Chunky Black POW Freed; No Plans for TV-Movie
Iraqi Card Trade Snafu Results in All-Out Search for Pikachu
Retired Military Analysts Stage Coup at CNN
SARS Traced to Icky Office Break Room Sponge
Robin Williams Recovering From Emergency Back-Shave
Josh Groban CD Provides Housewife with Music, Orgasms
Author's Life's Work Priced Less Than Blank Book
Iraq: Saddam in Outer Space
Dizzying Array of Peace Protests Stymies Activist
PORTLAND, Maine (DPI) - Veteran war protester Gaea Jonssen-Barrows is one
of a growing number of peace activists struggling to find their place in an
era of increasing demonstration diversity. "In the '60s, you made your 'no
war' sign, maybe you took over a dean's office and sat around chained to a
desk for a couple of days," said Jonssen-Barrows, 53, an assistant
professor of women's studies. "These days, though, besides your
plain-vanilla peace protests, you've got your anti-war/pro-troops
demonstrators, your veterans against violence, your 'love the Iraqis, not
their leaders' faction, your Jews for Muslims, your Women for a Nonviolent
Military, you name it." She sat on a curb near a stack of "Saddam, please
leave" signs to catch her breath. "I just don't know where I fit anymore.
Activism is a young woman's game."
(Reported by Peg Warner)
Chirac, Schroeder, Putin Discuss Post-War Iraq at Weekend Summit
(Graphic by Kevin Wickart and Jeff Rabinowitz)
Long-Lost Lyrics to Hawaii Five-0 Discovered
HONOLULU (DPI) - The little-known lyrics to the theme song from the popular '60s
television show Hawaii Five-0 have been located in a box of old scripts in
the home of the late Jack Lord. Television historians raved over the
discovery, saying the long-lost words to the famous theme would only
immortalize the show further in history. According to the handwritten note,
the lyrics are as follows: "It's Hawaii Five-O/gonna catch some crooks/Here's Hawaii
Five-O/watch us catch some crooks!/Wow, here's a guy on a surfboard/Hey,
there's a hula-dancing girl too/It's Hawaii Five-O/They're all catching
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Fat-Fingered Person Has Trouble Typing
STAUNTON, Va. (DPI)- A opreson wuityh klsarfe fdingfers rewcintyluy hasd
teroibkle wreiting amn, artickle fdcopr sa iklklocxsal opsarodfryg newas.
opsaper dfue to hjis vcikmbrs nghitrting tioo mnanhy kletys.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)