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Riding Shotgun  
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by Ron Langston  

Ron Lancaster

Part 24 - "Boldly Going Where the King Has Gone Before"

Raelians are a strange, tough lot to spend time with. They smile too much, too broadly, and their bathing habits are definitely French. Meaning they smell like they rub themselves down with strong cheese in lieu of soap and water. But these people were about to embark upon the boldest -- if not completely illegal -- project of our time, and this reporter would be remiss if he weren't there.

Graceland: all one would expect from a man who had more money than the Almighty but taste that would make the Beverly Hillbillies cringe -- yes, even the old woman who cooked road kill "critters" in that giant pot. The self-dubbed Raelian "commandos" had inside information on some prime Elvis DNA which had gone undetected for years. This information, paid for dearly, revealed the bathroom where the King had died, has gone uncleaned in his honor since. And the Master of the Blue-Eyed Blues was a notorious pubic-hair shedder to the point of nearly spraying his curlies about. According to our source, on the back of the toilet basin, clinging and waiting for this very day, was the link between the Raelians and their grand scheme to create a bushel of the most famous clones ever made. The Boys from Nashville.

Top cloner Dr. Brigitte Boisselier always wore the artificially surprised facade than only Joan River's plastic surgeon high and shaky on ether could hand out. Topped with a hairdo that reminded one of nothing more than a squirrel reaching to the heavens as it died in place, she was spectacularly and fascinatingly an eyesore. But it was her very distracting look, which kept people's -- and importantly, security's -- eyes as much on her as the stove Priscilla cooked up those famous artery-clogging sandwiches. This allowed the commandos to slip out to the bathroom upstairs. Sure, they would get caught. But there are a million places to store a pubic hair, even one with such oversized fame as this.

Next week: Part 27 - "Two-Headed Elvis Baby and eBay Setting Records"

(Transcribed by Davejames)

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