Advice from Strangers
This week's guest:
I'm a 21-year-old man who has just graduated from college. I just
started a new job -- and I have to confess
it's driving me crazy! Not only do they expect me to work crazy hours,
but they all look down on me because I'm so young! I'm not sure how to
Frustrated In Fort Worth
Well, I say, well don't you look like a frazzled sight! You look like
two miles of bad road, son! Now come on over here and listen to me boy,
when I'm talkin' to ya. (Nice boy, but he's like a dead horse. No get-up-and-go.)
Now you just got to rear yo'self up and take the bull by the
horns. Now quit lookin' around, son, there's not really a bull here.
(This boy's about as sharp as a pound o' wet liver.) You can't just keep
crowin' on about how young you feel and how hard you work. You just
gotta start bein' the best boy you can be and show those folks you can
do it just as good as them! Now go on, I say, go on boy, an' show 'em
what you're made of! Now git! (Nice kid, but he's about as thick as a
My dear, I must say, I'm just a mess! I seem to have attracted a
gentleman caller, and I simply don't know how to behave! I've never been
in this situation before. Have you any tips on appropriate decorum?
Shy In Sacramento
Now wait, I say, wait a doggone minute there, girl! ! I'm sure we can
make a prize catch out of you! (Yeesh. Gal reminds me of the highway
between Dallas and Fort Worth -- no curves.) Now the first thing you got
to do is stop dressin' like the ugly stepsister of an 80-year-old
librarian. Get yo'self some nice clothes and make yourself up a bit. I
say, is any of this sinkin' through that little blue bonnet of yours?
OK, good. Now you got to get yo'self into the kitchen and whip up some
dee-licious vittles for him, 'cause the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach, and you ain't never gonna land yo'self a man if you can't
keep him at the trough. Now go on there, sister, and see what you can do!
(Girl's about as cold as a nudist on an iceberg.)
I'm a chicken hawk! That's right, a chicken hawk! And I want to catch me
a chicken! Only problem is, I don't know what a chicken looks like. Hey,
are you a chicken? Because if you're a chicken, and I'm a chicken hawk,
then I'm going to catch you! Because I'm a chicken hawk.
Raring To Go in Rochester
Now slow, I say, slow down there just a second, boy, and lemme talk a
little sense into ya! (If that boy don't stop talkin' he's gonna sunburn
his tongue.) Now I ain't no chicken, but I know where you can find a
chicken. Now you see there jus' over yonder, in that little house there?
Now just above the door o' that house is a sign that says "D-O-G." Now
that spells "chicken," so get on over there and catch yo'self some
dinner, boy! What are you waitin' for? Go! Go.
Hee hee hee hee! That oughta cause more confusion than a mouse in a
burlesque show. Boy's about as smart as a sack o' wet oatmeal.
Yum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum doo-dah, doo-dah !
(Transcribed by Greg Preece)