CURRENT ISSUE DATE 4/16/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Queen Elizabeth Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	April 16, 2002 The Daily Probe Declares Mr. T "Person of the Year" LOS ANGELES (DPI) - The Daily Probe has declared kitschy '80s TV personality Mr. T its 2002 "Person of the Year," recognizing the actor's popular hair and timeless TV catchphrases. Star of the riveting and violent A-Team on NBC from 1983-1987, T was part of a crack commando team sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. Today, Mr. T is a TV commercial spokesman and acknowledged "tough peace" advocate. His efforts to resolve the political crisis in the Middle East led The Daily Probe to choose him as 2002 "Person of the Year." In recognition of the honor, Mr. T was presented with a gold medallion. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) In the Aftermath of 9/11, Fool-Pitying at All-Time High NEW YORK (DPI) - Post-traumatic stress psychologists report that the nation has moved through the cycles of denial, shock, grief and anger, and are now in the stages of feeling pity for the fools who committed the terrorist acts in New York and Washington. As the military gears up to eradicate terrorism, most Americans now just shake their heads in a pitying acknowledgment of the terrorists' foolishness. Leading this wave of fool-pitying is actor Mr. T, a longtime voice of pity for the foolish. T, expressing America's feelings, issued a statement simply reading, "I pity the fools that don't pity the fools." (Reported by Davejames) Mr. Whipple Accused of Charmin Abuse CINCINNATI (DPI) - Procter & Gamble announced beloved spokesman Mr. Whipple's history of "inappropriate" Charmin fondling. According to P&G, between 1973 and 1986 numerous complaints had been filed against Whipple by employees, including an incident in which a witness caught Whipple with a double roll 12-pack in 1977. Additionally, P&G is accused of trying to cover up the abuses by reassigning Whipple to other positions resulting in additional complaints including "incidents of inappropriate groping" of Pampers and Bounty paper towels. Whipple's attorney accused his client's accusers of hypocrisy saying, "any transgressions against Charmin by my client pale in comparison to the acts of abuse carried out by millions of users of the product." (Reported by Miles Walker) Man Issues Travel Warning for Household Bathroom OMAHA (DPI) - In another of a continuing series of international travel alerts and restrictions, Lawrence Hibbard today issued a travel warning to Americans and other westerners wishing to travel to his bathroom. "I wouldn't go in there if I were you," said Hibbard. According to Hibbard, the hallway just outside of the bathroom may also pose a danger to those traveling in the area. Americans are asked to consider alternate routes of travel, including the well-ventilated restroom in the Olive Garden just down the street. (Reported by Mark Schmidt) Israeli Forces to Deploy Clowns to Help Suicidal Palestinians JENIN, WEST BANK (DPI) - In an attempt to defuse the suicidal despair among Palestinians that has led to repeated bombings, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has instructed troops occupying this refugee camp of 10,000 to hand out flowers as they bulldoze the homes of suspected terrorists, and to don clown suits as they launch missiles at terrorist targets. Further steps to help calm Palestinian rage are already planned: Tanks are to be painted in cheerful primary colors, and candy-packed piñatas are to be handed out after every firefight. Plans to have Apache attack helicopters dispense balloon animals are still in development. (Reported by Ishmael Alighieri) Tom Bosley Graciously, Accidentally Accepts The Daily Probe's "Person of the Year" Award LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Actor Tom Bosley, best known for his role as "Mr. C" in the long-running sitcom Happy Days, graciously accepted The Daily Probe's "Person of the Year" award this week. "I'm honored to receive such a prestigious award," the 74-year-old said. "My work as 'Mr. C' on Happy Days was some of the happiest-- what? Mr. T? So this is a mistake? [expletive] two-bit humor websites!" (Reported by George MacMillan) New Electronic Dog Bites the Hand that Plugs It In Editorial-Page Poop Satisfies Puppy, Owner Mr. T Wins Nobel Fool-Pitying Prize Former Spice Girls Agree: Girl Power Corrupts Girlishly Place That Did Your Tax Return Now a Donut Shop Sneeze Guard Saves Buffet, Ruins Appetites Stooge Lottery Commission Launches "Pick Two" Game Murdock Languishes in Obscurity, Asylum More headlines Mr. T Urges Arafat, Sharon "Quit That Jibber-Jabber" Koppel Still In Limbo as Hairpiece Signs Deal Lawn, Wife Trimmed KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE (DPI) - Knoxville-area pharmaceutical salesman Scott Barnard completed what he described as "a perfect Saturday" on April 13th when he personally and lovingly trimmed his lush green lawn and young buxom wife, his two great sources of pride. According to Barnard, he later fertilized both as well. (Reported by Jim Rosenberg) Weird Kid Never Outgrew Love of Eating Paste ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA (DPI) - Brian Leonard, that paste-eating weirdo from fourth grade art class, confesses that he never outgrew his love for consuming the tacky, gooey substance. "Ever since I first shoved a handful of sticky paste into my mouth, I've been an Elmer's connoisseur," the 43-year-old accountant said. "I slather it on bread and mix it in soups. But nothing compares with scooping it fresh out of the bottle with that plastic lid-attached applicator." Leonard is aware of the stigma attached to his snacking preference, however: "Getting called 'weirdo' and 'freakazoid' by kids was one thing, but adults are completely close-minded to non-toxic adhesive product consumption." (Reported by George MacMillan) Baseball Players, Pharmacists Celebrate First Weeks of New Season TAMPA (DPI) - As the mercury climbs higher, the "Boys of Summer" and the "Guys in Lab Coats" are under way in another exciting season of major league baseball and 21st Century biotechnology. Thanks to Swatinox, a powerful new pharmaceutical, 85% of players are expected to break Barry Bonds's 73 home run season from last year. According to Merck spokesman Walt Anderson, "Now even most pitchers should hit .550 this season." Swatinox may have some competition of its own, however. Pfizer today introduced Bazookanol, a performance-enhancing drug for major league pitchers that promises a fastball capable of breaking the sound barrier. (Reported by Chuck Sawyer)   World News ¤ Queen Mum's Cadaver Smell Finally Lifting ¤ Bald White Guy Chosen for Position of Power ¤ Terrorists Hijack Nuclear... OH CRAP, I FORGOT TO DO MY TAXES!!! ¤ Mr. T Resolves to Help, Not Pity, Fools ¤ Bin Laden Sighted at Albuquerque Craft Show   Domestic News ¤ McDonald's Beats Burger King in Ball-Pit Urine Tests ¤ Arthur Andersen to Cut 7,000 Potential Witnesses ¤ Bloomberg: Is He High Right Now? ¤ Jared Falls off the Wagon on Caribbean Cruise ¤ Lindh to Pose for Soldier of Fortune Centerfold ¤ New Mr. T Clothing Line Marketed to Fools   Local News ¤ Webmistress Marries, Bridesmaids Wear "#FF99CC" ¤ Boss Doubtful About "Scurvy" Excuse ¤ Woman Finds Car Keys, G-Spot in Same Place ¤ 47-Year-Old Man Still Using "Breasts & Thighs" Joke at KFC ¤ Another Fool Earns the Pity of Mr. T   Entertainment ¤ Sunburned, Short-Skirted Celine Dion Mistaken for Barbecued Chicken ¤ Boy-Ar-Dee, Puck to Slug it Out on FOX's Celebrity Chef Boxing ¤ Fetishists Give Back Door Barbara Two Thumbs Way, Way Up ¤ Man Wills His Spot in Line for Episode III to His Cat ¤ Collect Calling Ad Provides Americans with Much-Needed Mr. T Exposure   Sports ¤ Ump Fucking Idiot in 3rd Inning; Fucking Genius in 8th ¤ Tiger Woods Sues 0-11 Detroit Tigers for Defamation of Character ¤ Final Score: Mr. T - 489, Fools - 0
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