Bear Elected Pope; Unknown Whether Bear Is Catholic

VATICAN CITY (DPI) - In an unexpected move, the College of Cardinals elected a North American grizzly bear to succeed John Paul II as the new Pope. After initial ballots were split between conservative and liberal factions, the Cardinals compromised with the election of the first member of the Ursus family of mammals to head the Roman Catholic Church. The bear, who will take the name Pope Ursa Majoria, will also be only the second non-Italian elected Pope in the last 400 years. Said Cardinal Giovanni Corazon, "As long as we keep him out of the woods, there shouldn't be too many messes to clean up."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Bush Pushes Legislation to Drill for Oil in Teenager's Faces

WASHINGTON, D.C. (DPI) - Responding to criticism from both sides of the political spectrum, President George W. Bush announced his support for a new energy bill that would virtually destroy restrictions placed on oil companies to collect oil reserves from the faces of the nation's pubescent youth. "Americans are tired of paying higher and higher prices at the pump, but oil companies are forced to raise their prices because oil reserves are dwindling," President Bush said during a press conference. "We need to open these new untapped reserves, which are brimming with oil, for the sake of the consumers' and the companies' pocketbooks." The bill is set to go before the House for a vote, but many Democrats are voicing their disdain with the measure. "What's next," asked House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi, ?an initiative for clean water by extracting it from the bodies of welfare mothers like in that movie, 'Tank Girl?'" Recently appointed U.S. Energy Department Secretary Samuel Bodman said, "Hmm, that's not a bad idea."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)