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Jackson Hopes for Conviction, Lengthy Juvenile Hall Sentence
SANTA MARIA, CA (DPI) Michael Jackson has instructed his attorneys to seek a plea bargain on his child molestation charges in hopes that he will be sentenced to the Santa Barbara County Reform School for Boys. The 46-year-old pop singer is confident that his love of tree climbing and cotton candy will convince Judge Rodney Melville that he is best suited for imprisonment alongside dewy miscreants aged 11-13. Jackson spoke elatedly about his future bunkmate, saying "He'll have Mac's tousled hair and Emmanuel's cute little bottom." Parents of jailed juveniles are reacting positively to Jackson's legal gambit. "I'd be proud to have my son call me at Michael's private suite at the Bellagio to tell me about showering with the King of Pop," said mother Missy Lindquist.
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
Tragedy in the Attic: Toybox Massacre
FOND DU LAC, WI (DPI) -- A pall of horror and tragedy blankets the attic of the Wilsons' house this morning, after daughter Kristi Wilson's former favorite toy My Pretty Pony openned fire on the residents of the toybox Kristi shared with her brother Stan from 1984
to 1992. Reportedly without warning or provocation, Pony, 17, overpowered a GI Joe figure, commandeered his rifle, then emptied 56 high-caliber rounds into her fellow playthings before police could take Pony into custody. Details are as of yet sketchy, but Pony
has been quoted as saying "My Skanky-Ass Glue-Sack-With-Hooves, eh, Shortcake? Who's whinnying now, you tart-ass bitch?" in a police interview.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Cochran's Ghost to Defend Brain Tumor
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - The ghost of recently deceased attorney Johnnie Cochran has returned to the court room to defend
the chief suspect in his own murder. The brain tumor is facing one count of aggravated homicide. The stunning turn
of events adds new dimensions to what many legal analysts thought would be an open-and-shut case. Cochran's ghost
explained his defense in an opening statement, "I was not killed by the brain tumor. I can assure you such allegations
are merely rumors. These stereotypical attacks have crippled human societies since the days of Sumer." Cochran's ghost
went on to suggest other possibly culprits including heart disease and a personal sense of guilt for the damage done
to the American justice system. The prosecution could not be reached for comment.
(Reported by Scott Haworth)
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FAA Bans Lighters, Guys Yelling "Freebird"
France Surrenders to New Pope
Jailed Rapper DMX: Get Me Johnnie Cochran's Corpse
Michael Jackson: "Billie Jean Is Not My Lover"; No Comment About Little Billy Joe
I Just Can't Decide Which Is
the Best Season for Drinking Beer
A guest Probeatorial
by Brent Keppler
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Spring is in the air here in Michigan, and there's nothing like a cold beer in your hand, whether you're digging in the garden or just sitting back and watching the tulips. Yes sir, I love beer as much as the next guy, but a nice beer in the spring while you're sitting out on your lawn chair for the first time is the best. And do not get me started on the NCAA basketball tournament, man. Me and the boys put down some pitchers almost every night at the bar, even after State lost out.
Soon summer will be here, though, so you have to plan ahead for your beach days. I've already pulled out the big cooler from the attic and squirted it off. (There was still a little puke on it from a crazy barbecue last year, but I'll save that story for another day!) There is nothing in the world better than a cold couple of beers while you're floating in an inner tube, taking in the rays on Houghton Lake, man.
Then fall comes, and that means only one thing: Beer. Yep, I sure love crazy Halloween parties, especially when there's plenty of cold draft beer. Hell, I'm 34 and I still love to dress up! Plus, what's college football without an icy-cold Sam or Killian's in your hand? I don't think I can remember a fourth quarter from all of last season!
Ooh, I almost forgot about winter. Yeah, when the fire is crackling and the snow is falling gently, there's nothing like setting down your can in the snow during a quiet moment and watching the steam drift up off your pee stream.
One thing's for sure, though, and I hope I've made myself clear: I can't even decide which time of year is best for drinking beer.
(Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)
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McQuigly and Moss
NASA Will Take Off Once Again
By Dirk McQuigly
Space -- the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. They are a tireless, hard-working, and dedicated group of engineers, scientists, astronauts, secretaries, janitors, and commissary servers. Past experience has shown that they don't let tragedy or disaster get in the way of progress any more than Captain Kirk let some hot alien babe get in the way of defeating evil (unless, of course, the hot alien babe herself was evil. But that's another story altogether).
And just like Captain Kirk, NASA's continuing mission is to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations. We want to know what it is like on other planets, and whether life exists on them, if for no other reason than it makes The X Files more frightening and tolerable to watch.
NASA lost more than just a Space Shuttle and seven crew members when the Columbia exploded over East Texas -- it lost its innocence. Space was once a magical realm of existence, waiting for our discovery. Now we've learned it can be just as dangerous and deadly. But like Captain Kirk and his courageous crew, mankind understands the risk involved, and is willing to plow forward and face the danger head on (or at the very least, to send some guy in a red shirt ahead so that *he* can face the danger by himself while mankind hogs all the glory).
Time for NASA To Move On
By Anna Moss
NASA. What a tremendous organization it has been throughout the years. It has given our nation great moments of pride, such as putting the first human on the moon's surface. Although I wasn't even born yet, I've read enough history and heard enough stories from my parents and grandparents to know that it was very important, some might even say crucial, to be the first nation to walk on the moon (you'd think we were talking about first contact with The Vulcans) Apparently, for some reason I'm not real sure about, it was also crucial to see how far a golf ball could be driven in the Moon's gravity. (I wonder if Tiger Woods could hit the ball so far that it would circle the Moon? OK, that was silly -- of course he could).
NASA as a whole has done much to advance space exploration. I'm sure that many of the scientists who worked on the first Moon landing would never have dreamt about us landing two probes on Mars, probes that can navigate, take orders (possibly even mate) and continue the expansion our exploration into space.
All of this has not come without a price. NASA has faced many disasters over the year. However, we're not talking about the damage The Borg did against the Federation during the battle at Wolf 359, which almost wiped out the fleet. We can get past this.
This is why I am against NASA going forward with its renewed launch plans of more Space Shuttle missions. It is time to develop the next phase of spacecraft for space travel. There are already some private companies working on it. Why not NASA? Take Starfleet and the Enterprise, for example. In its early years, while the Enterprise was a fully functional spaceship, Starfleet never stopped improving it. And the changes are obvious: from holodecks to warp field dynamics that have pushed the limits of speed faster and faster.
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(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)
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