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04/22/03

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DNA Test Confirms Jesus Son of Bernie


JERUSALEM (DPI) - DNA tests undertaken on trace amounts of residue discovered on the Shroud of Turin confirm that Jesus Christ, King of the Jews and savior of all mankind, is the only begotten son of Bernie Stankowitz, a goat-herder and part-time artist. "We sort of suspected Bernie the Goatmonger, but never actually had the evidence to prove it," said Deacon Arturs Klerk, head of the international religious organization Is It All A Big Load?

The finding has sent ripples throughout the religious community. "Personally, I never bought that whole 'son of God' thing," said Cardinal Terrence Shine, a longtime religious revisionist. "I think old Jesus was just having one over on us. I mean, how would God have sent his sperm down? In a mayonnaise jar?"

Some theologians speculate that Mary and Bernie met at a craft fair where Bernie moonlighted, selling oil paintings of lesser deities on velvet. "Mary may have had a falling-out with Bernie later, but kept the whole thing hush-hush because of Mister You-Know-Who's-Not-Getting-Any-at-Home," said Klerk. "Slut."

Shine agreed. "That would sure explain the whole craven images nix, which, when you think about it, is pretty silly to make a whole commandment over," he said.

In 1998, millions of Buddhists worldwide had a good laugh when scholars uncovered texts revealing that yogic concentration and meditation were invented by first-century monks who just wanted to get out of their daily rice paddy duties.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



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