Peterson Attorney Claims Client "Unquestionably Innocent"



MODESTO, Calif. (DPI) - Attorney Mohammed Saeed al-Smith claims that murder suspect Scott Peterson is "absolutely, unquestionably, 100 percent innocent" of the murder of his wife and unborn child. Al-Smith, a recent immigrant to the United States, was hired by Peterson to represent him in his upcoming trial and says that his client is "as innocent as a puppy in a field of marigolds." Asked about Peterson's chances of an acquittal, al-Smith responded, "The evil opponents are already on the road to defeat. We will season their entrails and grill them on a spit for all innocent people to partake of."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)


China Linked to "Sudden Appetite Return Syndrome"

BEIJING (DPI) - A second SARS outbreak, this one a digestive condition called Sudden Appetite Return Syndrome, is also being blamed on the incompetence of current Chinese government. "We admit there have been three cases in the Yunnan province, but that is all," said a Chinese health spokesperson. A Canadian health official countered that claim. "That is a load of crap, literally," said the unidentified official. "Chinese food all over the world is passing through our bowels 20 percent faster than just five years ago." The cost of this problem to the world's citizens is estimated at $85 billion annually, mostly due to large late-night snacks to counter unplanned hunger.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)


Mother of Snotty Little Bastards Happy to Help You With Parenting

SAN DIEGO (DPI) - Henrietta Clarke, mother of three incorrigible sniveling bastard children, is happy to help you with your new child, the 39-year-old said yesterday. "Just call me anytime if you need advice on child-rearing," said Clarke in a phone conversation last night over the clearly shrieking voice of her youngest child, Alvin, 3. "I know how hard it is to set kids right these days." Clarke, whose oldest child, Gavin, 9, has eaten nothing but Cocoa Puffs for dinner for the last six months, is additionally willing to help you plan shopping, nutrition, and "taking care of other little details of being a first-time mom."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


United States to Solomon Islands: "You Lookin' at Me?"



WASHINGTON (DPI) - George Bush warned the tiny Pacific nation of the Solomon Islands that they better "just watch it," or they could be next on Bush's war plans. Bush recognized that the Solomon Islands joined his "Coalition of the Willing" to topple Iraq, but noted they joined late, as if they really did not mean it. "I know who really wanted in, and who jumped on the bandwagon," Bush said. "Besides, I don't recall seeing any Solomon Islanders volunteering to police Basra, did I? Don't make me come get you, that's all I'm saying. And what's this I hear about French-Polynesian restaurants all over the your islands?"

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

"More Fun Than a Sack of Kittens" Line Brings Date to Rapid, Uncomfortable Close