Motivational Speaker Kills Six in Positive, Affirming Manner
GARY, INDIANA (DPI) - Motivational speaker Henry Jacobs killed six attendees
and then himself during a self-help workshop he was conducting yesterday
afternoon. According to witness Bud Harris, "Henry was helping the group
compose personal mission statements when he pulled out a .38 revolver. Some
of them pleaded with him not to kill them, but Henry convinced them to 'turn
off their victim tapes' and refocused them into a more proactive direction.
He made everybody name three reasons why they were worthy of going to
heaven. Some of them could only come up with one or two, but Henry really
challenged them, by putting the gun to their heads, to come up with three."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Mister Softee Accused of Cannibalism
RUNNEMEDE, NEW JERSEY (DPI) - Mister Softee, mascot of the Mister Softee
franchise organization, was charged by the Department of Justice
with criminal cannibalism this week. DOJ officials charge that a man made of ice cream cannot sell ice cream products
for consumption. "Imagine if I had a fleet of trucks selling human flesh
sandwiches," said one official. From his jail cell,
the cone-crowned Softee issued a statement, saying, "If I am guilty of anything,
it is bringing frosty joy to untold millions." In 1994 Softee was
investigated by the Department of Commerce for an ad campaign promising
"swift, creamy doom" to all anthropomorphic frozen-food snacks.
(Reported by George MacMillan)
Drug Firm Unveils Fat-Burning "Metabocrack" Supplement
NEW YORK (DPI) - NarcoLab, Inc., entered the diet-supplement industry this
week with its newest product, Metabocrack. Combining thermogenic nutrients
ephedra and caffeine with the proven diet drug, crack, Metabocrack promises
weight loss without the unpopular non-narcotic effects of other fat-burners.
"I've been on Metabocrack for three days now," said Stacy Jennings,
scratching nervously at her arms. "I haven't eaten at all, but still have
lots of energy. Did you see that giant spider?" NarcoLab founder Ed "Easy D"
Douglas says his company is proud to offer such high-quality merchandise.
"Those other fat burna's, They be frontin'. They ain't burnin' nothin' but
(Reported by Mike Keller)
Leno Audience Member Pressured into Hard Laughter
BURBANK (DPI) - Leo Alvarez attended yesterday's taping of The Tonight
Show for the musical guest, not the humor, but he learned that laughing
was obligatory. "Jay Leno's all right," Alvarez explained, "but
his jokes are pretty silly." However he wasn't ready for the peer
pressure. "During the monologue I was chuckling politely, but guys
around me were like sheep, all cracking up in unison." Those fans then
sternly explained that he'd better start laughing or they wouldn't be
shown on camera. Alvarez believed he had no choice, "I felt so isolated,
so alone, I just starting laughing hard, even though I knew I
shouldn't!" He then added tearfully, "I'm such a whore."
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
Hell to Get New Area Code
HELL (DPI) - Due to the recent population explosion and proliferation of
phone-enabled devices, Hell has been assigned a second area code. In keeping
with precedents set in Los Angeles and Dallas in recent years, beginning
January 1, 2003, all local calls made in Hell will require 10 digit dialing.
Hell was the last bastion of abbreviated dialing, with the infamous Beast
retaining his 666 number for nearly 2,000 years. The Beast has chosen, this
time, to keep his new number unlisted, leading numerologists worldwide to
rework all of their charts.
(Reported by Charles Gulledge)
Use of Gibberish Up 12% After 9-11 Attacks
HABERDASHING (DPI) - Flebber nicengil flabben portroy hin
negenwaltenfloofer, wain teeten vegen trido plogger sig verty putten lackey
egerel. "Foo protnoy loofenwoomer hewd, pobnobber corten laffed noughed
loofen nurmel forred poopen nobben goot ved," yockten Goost Hockenlooger
snut. Rev farten sig fewp nin bertencraffersox snut hin luggen rep barpen
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Fuzzy Zoeller's Teeth Ground to Nubs
Maniacal Cackling Traced to IRS Audit Facility
Arafat Claims "Ariel" a Girl's Name
Twentysomethings: Who the Fuck Is "Baretta?"
Palestinian High School Guidance Counselor Gets Paid per Martyr
Sammy Sosa Wins "Affable Big Lunk" Award from Fans of Affable Big Lunks
Thor Heyerdahl Set Afloat, Ablaze
Daily Probe Special Report:
Little Rascals Become Repeat Offenders
Dead Cat Pees from Beyond the Grave
Bush Calls Alaska Drilling Cure for Terrorism, Cancer, Waxy Yellow Build-Up
WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush called for drilling in the Alaska Natural
Wildlife Refuge to reduce dependence on Mid-East oil, to provide new cancer
cures, and to reduce unsightly wax build-up. Bush declared, "In 10 years,
we'll have oil, but right away the steel rigs so close to the North Pole
will create magnetic resonance fields which will cure cancer." Bush also
described how vibrations resulting from the drilling will shake loose wax
residue common in many household cleaners. "How many times have you cleaned
your kitchen only to see unwanted wax smudges?" Bush asked. "With new
Alaskan oil drilling, waxy build-up is a thing of the past."
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Subsistence Culture Honored Through Shopping Mall Display
ALBANY, NEW YORK (DPI) - The grinding daily life of the Iroquois Indian
tribes, peoples whose heritage includes basic agriculture, hunting and
living in tents, is being celebrated this week through a display in an
upscale New York shopping mall. Located in the center court of Albany's
Stuyvesant Plaza near Talbot's and Baby Gap, the display educates shoppers
about the stone tools used by early American peoples to carve the carcasses
of animals and build simple shelters. "I've got a suede jacket that looks
totally like that cute deerskin wrap," said 16-year-old Emily Kress,
sipping an Orange Julius, "But I would never, like, use my own teeth to
soften the material. That's gross."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Discussion of '80s Television Brings Corporate Productivity to a Halt
CHICAGO (DPI) - Electronics giant Motorola shocked investors today by
announcing a profit warning, specifying "the slow global economy" and an
"internal discussion related to 1980s television" as the reasons for its
poor financial performance. "It all started when someone accidentally
included a list of their favorite television shows from the '80s in an
internal email," explained John Grove, VP of Internal Communication, "and
very quickly the email spread like a virus, as debates and discussions
consumed vast amounts of time and even network resources." At this time
various tribes are forming within Motorola, and physical altercations
between "The Coaches" and "The Woodys" are becoming commonplace.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)