Arena League Player Dies from Tackle, Legitimizes Arena League
LOS ANGELES (DPI) – Defensive Lineman Al Lucas died recently
from a spinal cord injury sustained while attempting a tackle during a
game for the Arena Football League's Los Angeles Avengers. While
mourning the unfortunate passing of Lucas, many Arena League
players somberly rejoiced in the fact that a player death legitimizes
Arena football as a real sport. Lucas's Avengers teammate Ross
Philcox summarized the mixed emotions currently coursing through
the league. "Al, we'll miss you as a teammate and a friend, and we'll
all keep your family in our hearts during these tragic days – but woo-
hoo! Somebody frickin' died playing Arena League Football, baby!
We're all tough sons-of-bitches now! Al, thanks to you, the Arena
League is as real as NASCAR!" To test the Arena League's new-
found legitimacy, Philcox challenged "any of those golfers or pro
bowling pussies" to a steel-cage wrestling match.
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Bolton's Management Style Included Wedgies, Titty Twisters
WASHINGTON (DPI) – More allegations of questionable behavior
have surfaced concerning embattled UN nominee John Bolton. Lloyd
Mimmling, a low-ranking government official, said he had several
confrontations with Mr. Bolton when both worked at the State
Department. "He would typically sneak up behind me, flick my ears
and give me an atomic wedgie. Once, while I was taking care of my
business in the restroom, he set the stall I was occupying on fire." Mr.
Mimmling said even though the harassment was physical, it wasn't
sexual. "Unless you count the time he brought me to my knees with a
double titty twister and beat me unconscious with a twelve-inch rubber
dildo," Mimmling added.
(Reported by Dan Burt)
Important Non-Pope Stuff Happening, Nobody Gives Flaming Damn
YOUR HOUSE (DPI) – The following is a brief list of things that flew
right over your Pope-obsessed head last week which may have a direct
effect on your life: That message on your phone machine? That's the
bank regarding imminent foreclosure on your house. Where's your
spouse? Your neighbor will tell you, assuming her mouth isn't too full
to respond. Since you forgot to feed the cat, she helped herself to that
$80 goldfish your daughter loved so much. (Which reminds me, your
daughter spent Friday night with Big Bob and Rad Z, so the new Pope's
ruling on abortion may affect you directly after all. Forget I said anything.)
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Consumers Reject New Pope, Classic Pope to Be Reintroduced
Presidential Motorcade Diverted on Threat of Press Interviews
MILF Flattered but Would Prefer Bubble Bath, Nap
RNC Donates 100,000 Keep Right Signs for U.S. Highways
Promotion to French Fry Station Leaves Teen Curiously Unfulfilled
President Bush Cancels Smoky Mountain Earth Day Visit
WASHINGTON (DPI) – "Earth Day. Right. Who am I kidding?"
(Reported by Davejames)
A Leukemia Moment
With Tom Snyder
As I'm sure you've heard by now, the old Snyder-man has the big L.
Lemme tell you, that was a bit of a shock. Maybe working in
broadcasting all these years has zapped me with too many microwaves
or something. Hey, wouldn't that beat all? Because, and this is true, I
don't even use a microwave oven – or, as we called it in the golden
age, a "radar range." I never understood that, because I don't think
microwaves use radar. I mean, the only thing you can find with one of
those contraptions is the burrito you're heating up. Am I right?
Speaking of Radar, this whole deal reminds me of an interview I did
with Gary Burghoff way back when. It was around the time he quit
M*A*S*H, and he'd just been on Carson the night before. What are
the odds of this happening? Two late night legends -- well, one legend
and one also-ran -- and we both get cancer in the same year. If I were in
Letterman's shoes, I'd be making a doctor's appointment right about
now. Watch, Ed McMahon is gonna wind up with hemorrhoids or
something now. I kid because I love, Ed.
So where was I? Oh, Gary Burghoff. Did you know that he's a wildlife
artist now? Hand to God. I've got one of his paintings, and when I
have people over, I like to point at it and say "Hey, look at my new
Burghoff!" Me and the missus laugh because invariably, people have
no idea what I'm talking about.
So, back to ol' Radar, I remember... Well isn't this the damndest thing?
A big chunk of my hair just fell clean out! Ha! Anyway, what
was I talking about again? I tell you, when you get to be ol' Tom's
age, sometimes you just completely forget things. Hey, maybe I can
milk this just like that Michael J. Fox character milks his disease-
thing. I'm telling you, that kid is gonna be a huge star. Hey, would you
look at that! I can see this really bright light ahead of me. Well, that's
either the Big Guy or an MRI machine. Well, here's hoping for the latter,
huh? So good night, God bless, and, oh drat, what was I saying again?
(Transcribed by Greg Preece)