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CURRENT ISSUE Week of April 25-29, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Important Non-Pope Stuff Happening, Nobody Gives Flaming Damn YOUR HOUSE (DPI) – The following is a brief list of things that flew right over your Pope-obsessed head last week which may have a direct effect on your life: That message on your phone machine? That's the bank regarding imminent foreclosure on your house. Where's your spouse? Your neighbor will tell you, assuming her mouth isn't too full to respond. Since you forgot to feed the cat, she helped herself to that $80 goldfish your daughter loved so much. (Which reminds me, your daughter spent Friday night with Big Bob and Rad Z, so the new Pope's ruling on abortion may affect you directly after all. Forget I said anything.) (Reported by Carl Knorr) |
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 Consumers Reject New Pope, Classic Pope to Be Reintroduced Presidential Motorcade Diverted on Threat of Press Interviews MILF Flattered but Would Prefer Bubble Bath, Nap RNC Donates 100,000 Keep Right Signs for U.S. Highways Promotion to French Fry Station Leaves Teen Curiously Unfulfilled  President Bush Cancels Smoky Mountain Earth Day Visit WASHINGTON (DPI) – "Earth Day. Right. Who am I kidding?" (Reported by Davejames) 
As I'm sure you've heard by now, the old Snyder-man has the big L. Lemme tell you, that was a bit of a shock. Maybe working in broadcasting all these years has zapped me with too many microwaves or something. Hey, wouldn't that beat all? Because, and this is true, I don't even use a microwave oven – or, as we called it in the golden age, a "radar range." I never understood that, because I don't think microwaves use radar. I mean, the only thing you can find with one of those contraptions is the burrito you're heating up. Am I right? Speaking of Radar, this whole deal reminds me of an interview I did with Gary Burghoff way back when. It was around the time he quit M*A*S*H, and he'd just been on Carson the night before. What are the odds of this happening? Two late night legends -- well, one legend and one also-ran -- and we both get cancer in the same year. If I were in Letterman's shoes, I'd be making a doctor's appointment right about now. Watch, Ed McMahon is gonna wind up with hemorrhoids or something now. I kid because I love, Ed. So where was I? Oh, Gary Burghoff. Did you know that he's a wildlife artist now? Hand to God. I've got one of his paintings, and when I have people over, I like to point at it and say "Hey, look at my new Burghoff!" Me and the missus laugh because invariably, people have no idea what I'm talking about. So, back to ol' Radar, I remember... Well isn't this the damndest thing? A big chunk of my hair just fell clean out! Ha! Anyway, what was I talking about again? I tell you, when you get to be ol' Tom's age, sometimes you just completely forget things. Hey, maybe I can milk this just like that Michael J. Fox character milks his disease- thing. I'm telling you, that kid is gonna be a huge star. Hey, would you look at that! I can see this really bright light ahead of me. Well, that's either the Big Guy or an MRI machine. Well, here's hoping for the latter, huh? So good night, God bless, and, oh drat, what was I saying again? (Transcribed by Greg Preece) |
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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