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Ford Unveils Giant Hybrid SUV
DEARBORN, MI (DPI) - Seeking to shed an image of wasteful energy use, Ford
Motor Company today took the wraps off its largest hybrid vehicle ever, the
Excursion GHT. Built with existing technology, the nearly five-ton vehicle is a standard
F-350 Super Duty Excursion with the remains of a Honda Insight crushed into
its massive grille. "We know enthusiasts everywhere could make this
themselves," commented company CEO William Clay Ford. "This way,
there's a lot less insurance hassle and screaming."
(Reported by JJ Gertler)
O Magazine Salutes 5 Years With Surprise Covergirl
CHICAGO (DPI) Amy Gross, editor-in-chief of O, the Oprah Magazine,
made a highly anticipated appearance on ABC's The View on Tuesday to
discuss the difficult task of selecting a covergirl for the magazine's fifth
anniversary issue. Gross revealed that she agonized for weeks
before concluding that talk show-mogul Oprah Winfrey should
grace the landmark 55th issue. Oprah's appearance on all 54 prior
covers and her role as the magazine's owner and publisher did not
color Gross' decision. "There's a genuine need for more pictures of
Oprah pretending to do stuff -- from merrily riding a borrowed
bicycle to roughhousing with her rented Labs," said Gross. Subscribers
like Barbara Thoms seem to enjoy gazing on Oprah's visage each month. "How
many more of these do I have to recycle before Oprah gives me a Pontiac?"
asked Thoms.
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
FDA Report: Lucky Charms Not Magically Delicious
WASHINGTON (DPI) - After exhaustive tests, FDA scientists have concluded
that Lucky Charms cereal is not magically delicious. The FDA ruling means that
General Mills must refrain from making that claim in future advertising. General Mills
spokesperson Lucky the Leprechaun called the ruling unfair. "So after forty years you're
going to believe a group of scuttered scientists? Why don't they look into Grape-Nuts
instead? I mean, what the fuck are those? But no, they're always after me Lucky Charms."
(Reported by Dan Burt)
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Bush and Saudi Prince Abdullah "Just Friends"
Frist Ready to Ban Democrats From Senate Prom
Wait, Did Something Happen to Pope JP2?
Doctors: Garciaparra Unable to Grab, Scratch in Dugout Ever Again
Loggins and Messina to Suck Again Live
I Wonder If I'm Really Being
a Good Dad to My Sea-Monkeys
A guest Probeatorial
by Travis Ruetenik
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It's a big responsibility when you finally take the plunge and buy a
set of Sea-Monkeys. I like to think I was prepared and responsible -- I
even cleaned out the plastic mini-aquarium with tap water and waited 24
hours to let the Water Purifier (Packet 1) fully dissolve. Yet, as
I sit here watching my little pets squiggle about, I look back on the
care I've given them over these past five weeks and wonder if I
could have been a better dad to them. Of course, I aerated the water
every 24 hours by pouring it back and forth into a clean cup,
especially in those cute first days. They were so tiny -- I was
afraid I would leave some behind, stuck in the back corner of the
Instant Life packet (Packet 2). How they've grown since then! I see
them flagellating their little fins, drawing in oxygen and algae from
the water, but when they swim happily past the bubble viewers, I still
wonder: Am I really giving them the best life I can? I saw the Amazing
Live Sea-Monkeys Explor-a-Sub at Toys-R-Us, but I didn't think
they needed a fancy built-in Million-Bubble Water Oxygenator or neon
rings for the "underwater light show." I just hoped that they would
think I was a good dad for providing them with a little indirect
sunlight, Growth Food (Packet 3) and a father's love.
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Tuesday, 26th April
The widespread approval of a cat-shooting resolution in Wisconsin raised my
spirits, which had been residing down amongst the dusty barrels of
amontillado in the cellar lately. Not since Waugh & Sykes pioneered
pigeon-kicking in Italy's piazzas in the last century has there been such a
major advance in human/animal relations. We are vastly outnumbered by cats
and some of these creatures would love, with the help of their minions at
PETA and the World Bank, to crush us under their admittedly weightless and
furry heels and make us into their slaves to toil -- without pay or dignity --
to build pyramids to house their hairballs, to dump the commercial fish haul
onto the docks and simply walk away, and to constantly make a lap for them
to jump into and be worshipped therefrom. I won't even begin to contemplate
the whispered-about idea of Booda Box Temples and forcing our women to dance
cat pantomimes inside them, as they are already said to do in Bali. So
shoot them, I say, and reverse the inevitable tide of tyranny! I myself
have found the practice of cat-shooting rewarding and instructive, as well
as extremely good sport. But why do so many refuse to face the reality of
the oncoming menace? We are a slim millenium away from a time where
returning astronauts from the Milky Way Project will be the only humans left
on the planet. Take your stinking pussy off me, you damn dirty cat!
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