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CURRENT ISSUE Week of April 25-29, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Bibliophile Booked in Alabama Slapout, Al. (DPI) - Alabama authorities have arrested a serial bibliophile after a late night traffic stop. "We got lucky with this un," said Sheriff Grady Prichitt. "I pulled him over for a busted tail light and noticed an opened paperback book on the passenger's seat. And 'tweren't no Bible, neither." A search of the car revealed numerous non-Bible related books said to be bought at out-of-state bookstores and estate sales. The bibliophile was taken into custody and charged with transporting books into Alabama and attempted fancy book learnin'. (Reported by Dan Burt) |
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 Professor Plum Acquitted in Candlestick Murder Rare Killer Influenza Virus Strain Added to Endangered Species List Alleged Victim's Third-Cousin's Ex-Roommate's Neighbor's Dentist's Receptionist to Testify in Jackson Case Peace in Lebanon Immediately Preceded by Monkeys Flying Out of Asses 
in Tin Foil No Longer Enough
On a recent walk through downtown Los Angeles, I noticed several "street people" with tin foil wrapped tightly around their heads. These poor souls were muttering to themselves about beams from space and having their thoughts read by CIA satellites or alien technology. It was laughable and more than sad, because as any expert knows, simply wrapping your head in tin foil is no longer enough. Certainly, the tin foil may keep beams from above from penetrating your skull, but it is a two way street -- your radiating thought waves are also trapped inside your head and have no where to go. And when those waves finally build up to the point they do leak, and with the shoddy production value of modern tin foil they will, they burst forth so strongly any average Joe on the street can clearly read your thoughts, not just those with the proper equipment. To protect yourself, I suggest a simple duct tape and tin foil hat in the shape of a large cone, like a dunce cap, with a simple pin hole on the side. Unlike the tight head wrap which causes the aforementioned brain wave pressure build, the space in the cone allows your brain waves to radiate a bit more without detection or pressure build. Further, the pin hole vents thoughts in small enough measure that only the most sensitive Level 8 technology can read it. But beware of fillings. The old metal fillings popular with dentists in the 20th century, are as a bad a little transmitters, broadcasting your innermost thoughts for the world to store and use against you. While your first instinct is to get them taken out by dentist, remember, it was dentist who put them in, and dentist who created braces -- a device well known for controlling thoughts and speech. I would suggest a simple bottle of scotch and pliers to take care of those pesky in mouth alien/CIA moles. You are probably saying, "Sure, we all know the homeless are being subliminally controlled to form an army to rise against the nation, but why should I worry?" Well, modern mind reading techniques are used for everything from stealing stock tips from the wealthy, to monitoring what momentary sexual deviation flashes across the average Middle American's brain. A little extra protection goes a long way toward easing the mind. (Transcribed by Davejames) |
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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