Bush Denies Prince Abdullah's Claim of "Scoring"
WASHINGTON (DPI) - U.S.-Saudi relations became strained today when
an unnamed source revealed that Prince Abdullah told close associates
and advisors that he "got some" during his recent visit with President Bush.
According to the source, Abdullah "told some of the OPEC guys" in the Royal
Locker Room that he "got pretty far" with the president. The source said
that the prince wasn't specific, but that "it sounded like third base, at least."
The White House vigorously denied the allegations. After a lengthy telephone
conversation with the prince later in the day, a puffy-eyed President Bush
announced that he was cancelling his plans to accompany Prince Abdullah to
the Mohammed High prom in Mecca this June.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Senate Accidentally Bans "Fahrvergnügen"
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In late-night debate, weary senators debating the
future of the filibuster managed to inadvertently ban the words alabaster,
Stratocaster, paternoster, featherduster, and Fahrvergnügen, although many
senators on both sides of the aisle later agreed that the Fahrvergnügen
part was actually a pretty good idea.
(Reported by JJ Gertler)
Senate Stuck in Causational Temporal Anomalous Feedback Loop
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a development many are calling "surprising" the
Senate found itself caught into a temporal feedback loop, doomed to
repeat the same day forever. "It was bound to happen," said Harvard
professor Jack Lake, "Democrats filibustered nominees, Republicans
tried to change the filibuster rules, Democrats filibustered the rule
change, Republicans attempted to change rules again. Any [child] with
a passing knowledge of interphasic shifting pocket universes caused by
constant chronos particle repetitions, knew what was going to happen next."
(Reported by Davejames)
Bibliophile Booked in Alabama
Slapout, Al. (DPI) - Alabama authorities have arrested a serial bibliophile after
a late night traffic stop. "We got lucky with this un," said Sheriff Grady Prichitt.
"I pulled him over for a busted tail light and noticed an opened paperback book
on the passenger's seat. And 'tweren't no Bible, neither." A search of the car
revealed numerous non-Bible related books said to be bought at out-of-state
bookstores and estate sales. The bibliophile was taken into custody and charged
with transporting books into Alabama and attempted fancy book learnin'.
(Reported by Dan Burt)
Professor Plum Acquitted in Candlestick Murder
Rare Killer Influenza Virus Strain Added to Endangered Species List
Alleged Victim's Third-Cousin's Ex-Roommate's Neighbor's Dentist's Receptionist to Testify in Jackson Case
Peace in Lebanon Immediately Preceded by Monkeys Flying Out of Asses
Simply Wrapping Your Head
in Tin Foil No Longer Enough
A guest Probeatorial
by Professor Ray Winston,
On a recent walk through downtown Los Angeles, I noticed several
"street people" with tin foil wrapped tightly around their heads.
These poor souls were muttering to themselves about beams from
space and having their thoughts read by CIA satellites or alien
technology. It was laughable and more than sad, because as any
expert knows, simply wrapping your head in tin foil is no longer
enough. Certainly, the tin foil may keep beams from above from
penetrating your skull, but it is a two way street -- your
radiating thought waves are also trapped inside your head and
have no where to go. And when those waves finally build up to
the point they do leak, and with the shoddy production value of
modern tin foil they will, they burst forth so strongly any
average Joe on the street can clearly read your thoughts, not
just those with the proper equipment.
To protect yourself,
I suggest a simple duct tape and tin foil hat in the shape
of a large cone, like a dunce cap, with a simple pin hole on
the side. Unlike the tight head wrap which causes the aforementioned
brain wave pressure build, the space in the cone allows your brain
waves to radiate a bit more without detection or pressure build.
Further, the pin hole vents thoughts in small enough measure that
only the most sensitive Level 8 technology can read it.
of fillings. The old metal fillings popular with dentists in the
20th century, are as a bad a little transmitters, broadcasting your
innermost thoughts for the world to store and use against you. While
your first instinct is to get them taken out by dentist, remember,
it was dentist who put them in, and dentist who created braces --
a device well known for controlling thoughts and speech. I would
suggest a simple bottle of scotch and pliers to take care of those
pesky in mouth alien/CIA moles.
You are probably saying, "Sure, we all know the homeless are being
subliminally controlled to form an army to rise against the nation,
but why should I worry?" Well, modern mind reading techniques are
used for everything from stealing stock tips from the wealthy, to
monitoring what momentary sexual deviation flashes across the
average Middle American's brain. A little extra protection goes
a long way toward easing the mind.
(Transcribed by Davejames)