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April 25-29,
2005

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April 29, 2005



Bush Denies Prince Abdullah's Claim of "Scoring"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - U.S.-Saudi relations became strained today when an unnamed source revealed that Prince Abdullah told close associates and advisors that he "got some" during his recent visit with President Bush. According to the source, Abdullah "told some of the OPEC guys" in the Royal Locker Room that he "got pretty far" with the president. The source said that the prince wasn't specific, but that "it sounded like third base, at least." The White House vigorously denied the allegations. After a lengthy telephone conversation with the prince later in the day, a puffy-eyed President Bush announced that he was cancelling his plans to accompany Prince Abdullah to the Mohammed High prom in Mecca this June.

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Senate Accidentally Bans "Fahrvergnügen"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In late-night debate, weary senators debating the future of the filibuster managed to inadvertently ban the words alabaster, Stratocaster, paternoster, featherduster, and Fahrvergnügen, although many senators on both sides of the aisle later agreed that the Fahrvergnügen part was actually a pretty good idea.

(Reported by JJ Gertler)


Senate Stuck in Causational Temporal Anomalous Feedback Loop

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In a development many are calling "surprising" the Senate found itself caught into a temporal feedback loop, doomed to repeat the same day forever. "It was bound to happen," said Harvard professor Jack Lake, "Democrats filibustered nominees, Republicans tried to change the filibuster rules, Democrats filibustered the rule change, Republicans attempted to change rules again. Any [child] with a passing knowledge of interphasic shifting pocket universes caused by constant chronos particle repetitions, knew what was going to happen next."

(Reported by Davejames)



Bibliophile Booked in Alabama

Slapout, Al. (DPI) - Alabama authorities have arrested a serial bibliophile after a late night traffic stop. "We got lucky with this un," said Sheriff Grady Prichitt. "I pulled him over for a busted tail light and noticed an opened paperback book on the passenger's seat. And 'tweren't no Bible, neither." A search of the car revealed numerous non-Bible related books said to be bought at out-of-state bookstores and estate sales. The bibliophile was taken into custody and charged with transporting books into Alabama and attempted fancy book learnin'.

(Reported by Dan Burt)




Professor Plum Acquitted in Candlestick Murder

Rare Killer Influenza Virus Strain Added to Endangered Species List

Alleged Victim's Third-Cousin's Ex-Roommate's Neighbor's Dentist's Receptionist to Testify in Jackson Case

Peace in Lebanon Immediately Preceded by Monkeys Flying Out of Asses




Simply Wrapping Your Head
in Tin Foil No Longer Enough


A guest Probeatorial
by Professor Ray Winston, Cal Tech

On a recent walk through downtown Los Angeles, I noticed several "street people" with tin foil wrapped tightly around their heads. These poor souls were muttering to themselves about beams from space and having their thoughts read by CIA satellites or alien technology. It was laughable and more than sad, because as any expert knows, simply wrapping your head in tin foil is no longer enough. Certainly, the tin foil may keep beams from above from penetrating your skull, but it is a two way street -- your radiating thought waves are also trapped inside your head and have no where to go. And when those waves finally build up to the point they do leak, and with the shoddy production value of modern tin foil they will, they burst forth so strongly any average Joe on the street can clearly read your thoughts, not just those with the proper equipment.

To protect yourself, I suggest a simple duct tape and tin foil hat in the shape of a large cone, like a dunce cap, with a simple pin hole on the side. Unlike the tight head wrap which causes the aforementioned brain wave pressure build, the space in the cone allows your brain waves to radiate a bit more without detection or pressure build. Further, the pin hole vents thoughts in small enough measure that only the most sensitive Level 8 technology can read it.

But beware of fillings. The old metal fillings popular with dentists in the 20th century, are as a bad a little transmitters, broadcasting your innermost thoughts for the world to store and use against you. While your first instinct is to get them taken out by dentist, remember, it was dentist who put them in, and dentist who created braces -- a device well known for controlling thoughts and speech. I would suggest a simple bottle of scotch and pliers to take care of those pesky in mouth alien/CIA moles.

You are probably saying, "Sure, we all know the homeless are being subliminally controlled to form an army to rise against the nation, but why should I worry?" Well, modern mind reading techniques are used for everything from stealing stock tips from the wealthy, to monitoring what momentary sexual deviation flashes across the average Middle American's brain. A little extra protection goes a long way toward easing the mind.

(Transcribed by Davejames)








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