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04/29/03 Front Page Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List Riding Shotgun with Adventure Alaric Musing with Mitch Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Advice from Strangers
This week's guest:
Bender from Futurama
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Dear Bender, My wife and I have been fighting lately over whether we should get a new washer/dryer to replace our old one. Any suggestions? Unwashed in Spokane Dear Dumbass, I can help! Just send me $10,000 and 14 cases of beer and a brand new washer and dryer will be ... wait? Is that you Mom? And Dad? You were going to throw out my parents? Oh the pain. Only beer will calm me down. Hey Pop, can I have some money for beer? New appliances my ass. Bender Dear Bender, I recently embezzled a small amount of money from my company. It wasn't like I stole $1 million from them, just about $300 or so to help pay for some root-canal work that I needed desperately. Was this still wrong? Potential Thief in Poughkeepsie Dear Thief, First off, notice I called you a thief because that's what you are. Hell, I should know -- I take stuff that ain't mine all the time. But stealing isn't wrong. I see it as a charitable donation that works backwards. Just the other day, I was on the Nebula 5 planet system when I saw this crate of Oldie Fortran Malt Liquor just sitting there, telling me to steal it. Then again, it could've been that my sensory input was crossed with my high-frequency AM radio antenna, which was picking up the Tokyo Yankees/Chicago Cubs World Series game. But, hell, I took the damn thing anyway. Bender |
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