CURRENT ISSUE 04/29/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List Riding Shotgun with Adventure Alaric Musing with Mitch Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Winning Poker Night With Iraqi Cards Deemed "Un-American" JACKSON HOLE, Wyo. (DPI) -- A Friday night poker game turned ugly when local resident Gary Melendez, 40, was accused of un-American activities after handily winning the night with a deck of Iraqi playing cards. "Well, for starters, Gary never wins," local tire retailer Steve Sebastian, 38, told reporters. "He never leaves without paying out at least 40 bucks. But now we have this deck of Iraqi playing cards, and he's unstoppable? You do the math." Other players at the Friday night game, which had convened regularly for at least 24 months, shared Sebastian's suspicions. "Well, normally Gary gets this huge smirk on his face when he has a good hand, so he can't bluff for shit," said Dwayne LeGros. "But on Friday, that goofy grin seemed a lot more shit-eating than usual. Obviously, that Iraqi-lover was happy about seeing all his heroes on the cards." Fellow gambler Jeff Hildegaard agreed, saying, "Man, he was smiling like a motherfucker when he beat me at that one big hand, and he beat my three jacks with a solid full house of Husseins over Al-Tikritis. Fucking communist." Sebastian went on to say that Melendez' smile was even broader when he cashed in his winnings. "Look, Gary's never walked out of here ahead, but winning shouldn't have been that big a deal to him," he said. "I mean, the guy's wife just left him for a younger man and is suing him for a ton of alimony and child support. He just got fired from his shipping job at Wal-Mart, and he had his car repo'd. Winning a couple hundred bucks at poker, even if he'd never won before, shouldn't have been that big a deal. Obviously he was thrilled with the cards. I'm surprised he didn't thank Allah for his winnings." Sebastian acknowledged that the deck didn't belong to Melendez and that he had bought them off the Internet a few days previously. "I'm glad I did," he said. "It really brought out Gary's true colors." At that point, he said, Sebastian and the other assembled players contacted the Office For Homeland Security to report Melendez. Sebastian and the others feel no remorse for their actions, saying that they did it to protect their country, although they admitted they were hoping to get their lost money back. "He's probably already funneled it into Iraq though," said Hildegaard. Melendez could not be reached for comment from his cell at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. (Reported by Greg Preece)
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