Good Scott Peterson Pleads Innocent, Blames Evil Scott Peterson
MODESTO, Calif. (DPI) - The good Scott Peterson pleaded not guilty to murder
charges, alleging that an evil Scott Peterson broke through dimensional
barriers and committed the crime. Good Scott claimed that storm
conditions on Christmas Eve allowed Evil Scott to leave his alternate
universe and commit the heinous crimes in this universe. Good Scott's
parents stated that Good Scott had never murdered his wife and unborn
child before, but it's just the sort of thing Evil Scott would do. Good
Scott explained that he and Evil Scott cannot appear in court at the
same time, to convince authorities of his story, because this would
cause both universes to wink out of existence.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Damon Concerned About Affleck's Repeated Fucking of J.Lo
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Actor Matt Damon this week expressed concern that
his friend and fellow actor Ben Affleck has in recent weeks opted not
to hang out with his old friends, preferring instead to spend his
time repeatedly fucking actor/singer Jennifer Lopez. "All Ben ever thinks about is humping J.Lo," said Damon. "He used to be one of
the guys, but now we can't even get him to meet us for a beer. If
he's not fucking J.Lo several times a day, he gets depressed."
Affleck denied that he's forgotten his friends, saying, "Come on, I'm
fucking Jennifer Lopez! Cut me some slack."
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
U.S. Finds Tupperware Used to Store Anthrax, or Possibly Cereal
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - U.S. military officials have discovered several
Tupperware containers in one of Saddam Hussein's palaces, which an Army
spokesman said "are just the sort of containers which could have stored anthrax or breakfast cereal." "The containers had
a bottom, four sides, as well as, and this is very important, lids," said Gen. Tommy Franks. "Just the sort of self-contained storage units in which Saddam could have placed any sort of chemical or biological weapon or dry goods." Officials also found several cars which could have been used to transport the containers, and hoses which could have been used to wash the cars.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Iraqis Stuck With Frequent Torture Points
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - With Saddam Hussein's regime out of power, thousands of
Iraqi have found themselves holding Frequent Torture Points, now
unredeemable. The points collected by citizens who turned in
"treasonous" neighbors, or civil servants who actually carried out the
torture, could be collected and turned in for various luxury prizes,
such as food, water or color TVs. Iraqi Khalid Al-Jumail was typical of
the distraught Torture holders. "Not only do I not get a home
entertainment system for turning in my parents and all my cousins, but
you can't even find a good place to loot one anymore," he said.
(Reported by Davejames)
Americans Explain Democracy, Infield Fly Rule to
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - In the first of many small steps toward creating a
freedom-loving democracy in Iraq, American GIs explained democracy and the
infield fly rule to baffled Iraqis. "I can see the wisdom in a tripartite
government and I'm all for a constitution limiting leaders' powers," said Ahmed al-Ani. "But you're telling me if I pop up with a man on
first, I'm out even if the infielder drops the ball? What kind of craziness are you Americans trying to impose on us?" Chastened officials announced that introducing the designated hitter into Iraq has been postponed indefinitely.
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)
Senator Apologizes for Anti-Gay Remarks
WASHINGTON (DPI) - Sen. Rick Santorum repeated his apology
yesterday for recent remarks equating homosexuality with incest,
bigamy and adultery. "I want to make it clear that I do not condemn
homosexuals, but rather the very idea of a man meeting another man in a bar or nightclub, chatting with him and casually touching his arm, a quick glance and a nervous laugh, going back to an apartment and slowly
undressing, exposing their muscular builds and inching closer," said Santorum. Santorum plans to travel to several
nightspots in the coming weeks to apologize in person to
DC-area homosexuals over foie gras and Chardonnay.
(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)
China Admits Mao Dead
Tinkerbell, Unidentified Green-Clad Youth Dead in Pixie Dust OD
Heston: You Can Have My ... Something ... When You Pry It From My ... Something Something Soup
U.S. Plans to Have All-Natural Penis Enlargement by 2006
Bush Finds Administration Job for Remaining Black Republican
U.S. Captures Tariq Aziz, Seeks Uday for Inside Straight
Naked Dixie Chicks Ashamed Their Fans Are Suddenly Masturbating So Much
Toronto Mayor Wants to Put YOU in a Pre-Owned Car TODAY
Winning Poker Night With Iraqi Cards Deemed "Un-American"
Ecstatic Pro-U.S. Crowd Welcomes Supply Ship Home from Maldives
Hit Man Feels Unappreciated for Charity Kills
NEW YORK (DPI) - Mafia Hit Man Anthony "Meathook" Tigliana has long given
to society in the form of unsolicited, free hits for charity.
But Tigliana is frustrated by the lack of appreciation, even negative
response, he gets for his acts. "If I overhear someone saying they could 'just kill' their boss, sometimes I'll follow them to work and throw their boss out of a 30-story window, say. It's what I'm good at," said Tigliana. "I'm just a giving kind of guy. But instead of thanks, all I get is an earful of crazy unappreciative talk. Sometimes I end up offing that person out of frustration. Shee."
(Reported by Davejames)
David Beckham Kicks Michael Jordan's Ass
LONDON (DPI) - In an event with implications to both Anglo-American
relations and drunken pub debates for years to come, British star footballer
David Beckham kicked Michael Jordan's ass today in a street confrontation in
London. The Manchester United midfielder beat the vacationing Jordan up and
down, left, right and center in an unprovoked attack near Trafalgar Square.
A crowd of pub patrons stood by, cheering. "How's that then, ya Yankee
wankers?" blurted drunken student Harold Watters, 26. "Beckham could take
'em any day of the week, any time, anywhere," confirmed drunken cab driver
Liam Albertson, 38.
(Reported by Joseph Moore and Travis Ruetenik)
Lucky Underwear Unpopular, Stinky
BISMARCK, N.D. (DPI) - Craig Elwood received verbal and written warning
from his employer Thursday when he refused to do something about "smelling like turds" for the past week. When asked if there was a reason for the hygiene lapse, Elwood declared that like many sports stars, he was somewhat superstitious, and he refuses to remove his lucky underwear now that his fantasy baseball team is in first place. "I was wearing these bad boys when my team, the Mighty Geese, shot right past Marv's team, the Green Sox," said Elwood. "I've never been in first place, and there's no way I'm changing my underwear. Human Resources can kiss my stinky ass."
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)
Curlers Prepare to Curl at 2006 Winter Games
TURIN, Italy (DPI) - With the games still three long years away, fierce
curling competitions are already starting to heat up worldwide. Denmark has
opened a high-security curling research and development center and is
expected to reveal a new curling broom, which they claim will "revolutionize
the way we curl." There are also two rising curling stars in Canada, who
expect to face each other in hotly contested curling matches for the chance
to compete for curling gold. Despite ruin and economic hardship, Iraq is
also catching curling fever and expected to have a curling team furnished by
the Iraqi National Congress.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)