Good Scott Peterson Pleads Innocent, Blames Evil Scott Peterson



MODESTO, Calif. (DPI) - The good Scott Peterson pleaded not guilty to murder charges, alleging that an evil Scott Peterson broke through dimensional barriers and committed the crime. Good Scott claimed that storm conditions on Christmas Eve allowed Evil Scott to leave his alternate universe and commit the heinous crimes in this universe. Good Scott's parents stated that Good Scott had never murdered his wife and unborn child before, but it's just the sort of thing Evil Scott would do. Good Scott explained that he and Evil Scott cannot appear in court at the same time, to convince authorities of his story, because this would cause both universes to wink out of existence.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Damon Concerned About Affleck's Repeated Fucking of J.Lo

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Actor Matt Damon this week expressed concern that his friend and fellow actor Ben Affleck has in recent weeks opted not to hang out with his old friends, preferring instead to spend his time repeatedly fucking actor/singer Jennifer Lopez. "All Ben ever thinks about is humping J.Lo," said Damon. "He used to be one of the guys, but now we can't even get him to meet us for a beer. If he's not fucking J.Lo several times a day, he gets depressed." Affleck denied that he's forgotten his friends, saying, "Come on, I'm fucking Jennifer Lopez! Cut me some slack."

(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)


U.S. Finds Tupperware Used to Store Anthrax, or Possibly Cereal

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - U.S. military officials have discovered several Tupperware containers in one of Saddam Hussein's palaces, which an Army spokesman said "are just the sort of containers which could have stored anthrax or breakfast cereal." "The containers had a bottom, four sides, as well as, and this is very important, lids," said Gen. Tommy Franks. "Just the sort of self-contained storage units in which Saddam could have placed any sort of chemical or biological weapon or dry goods." Officials also found several cars which could have been used to transport the containers, and hoses which could have been used to wash the cars.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Iraqis Stuck With Frequent Torture Points

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - With Saddam Hussein's regime out of power, thousands of Iraqi have found themselves holding Frequent Torture Points, now unredeemable. The points collected by citizens who turned in "treasonous" neighbors, or civil servants who actually carried out the torture, could be collected and turned in for various luxury prizes, such as food, water or color TVs. Iraqi Khalid Al-Jumail was typical of the distraught Torture holders. "Not only do I not get a home entertainment system for turning in my parents and all my cousins, but you can't even find a good place to loot one anymore," he said.

(Reported by Davejames)


Americans Explain Democracy, Infield Fly Rule to Liberated Iraqis

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - In the first of many small steps toward creating a freedom-loving democracy in Iraq, American GIs explained democracy and the infield fly rule to baffled Iraqis. "I can see the wisdom in a tripartite government and I'm all for a constitution limiting leaders' powers," said Ahmed al-Ani. "But you're telling me if I pop up with a man on first, I'm out even if the infielder drops the ball? What kind of craziness are you Americans trying to impose on us?" Chastened officials announced that introducing the designated hitter into Iraq has been postponed indefinitely.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)


Senator Apologizes for Anti-Gay Remarks

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Sen. Rick Santorum repeated his apology yesterday for recent remarks equating homosexuality with incest, bigamy and adultery. "I want to make it clear that I do not condemn homosexuals, but rather the very idea of a man meeting another man in a bar or nightclub, chatting with him and casually touching his arm, a quick glance and a nervous laugh, going back to an apartment and slowly undressing, exposing their muscular builds and inching closer," said Santorum. Santorum plans to travel to several nightspots in the coming weeks to apologize in person to DC-area homosexuals over foie gras and Chardonnay.

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)

Keiko The Killer Whale Legally Changes Name To Keiko The Belly Rub-Loving Whale