Daily Probe Movie Review
by Alice Higgins

Professor of Wymyn's Studies
University of Toronto

Identity

Hello, sisters! I'm coming to you this week from the blessed sanctuary of my tastefully decorated two-story walk-up near the campus. Why, you ask?

Well, Lilith-damn-it, I'm under quarantine. It seems I've been exposed to the SARS -- which I can prove was engineered by a man, by the way. You'd think that this would be a bad thing, but I have to admit, it's been great! An entire week surrounded by my tasteful-yet-colourful IKEA furniture, all the chamomile I can drink, and all the k.d. lang I can listen to. It's like having a 10-day vacation! Sure, I worry about the guidance of the young wymyn in my class, but I've got one of my interns taking care of things for me (the gay one, not the straight one) so there should be minimal damage.

Now, to be fair, this quarantine is self-imposed and not ordered. But if I do have this penis-bearing virus, I certainly don't want to spread it any further. I suppose I could be over-reacting somewhat. It's possible that the Asian womyn who coughed near me on Monday just had a cold, but why take the chance? I'm trying to build a mighty army of enlightened Soldiers Of Sappho, and it certainly wouldn't do to have them all sick, now, would it?

At any rate, because of this, I was unable to attend the media screening of Identity this week (poor me!) and was going to just not write the column. However, the publishers of this wretched web-zine waved my contract in my face yet again, so it appears I still have to review it. So here goes...

Identity is about a bunch of people who wind up trapped in a hotel during a storm. One of them (probably a man) starts killing the rest of them. It's probably not very good ... After all, it fairly reeks of Hitchcock and Agatha Christie. However, from the ads, I think there is a chance that Ray Liotta gets killed, so that's a plus. The killer probably uses a weapon to commit his murders, which means that he's using something as an extension of his penis.

Because it comes from Ball-ywood, I cannot recommend it. If going out to see this probable bowl-winder of a film is the best you can do for entertainment, I strongly suggest coming into contact with someone who may have SARS and taking a nice, leisurely 10-day vacation at home instead. I haven't even changed out of my hemp pajamas in a week, and let me tell you it feels great! This dry, hacking cough I seem to have developed is probably just a result of being locked in my apartment with the accumulated cat-dander for all these days, and I'm assuming it will go away soon.

If you don't know anyone with SARS, feel free to drop by and visit me.

I'm so lonely.

Oh, and once again, sisters, you have been warned!