CURRENT ISSUE DATE 4/30/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: The Pope Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	Lineup Set for "Geezerpalooza" Tour LOS ANGELES (DPI) - David Lee Roth, '80s sexual icon and former lead singer of Van Halen, is launching Geezerpalooza, a touring rock music extravaganza featuring key acts from decades past. "We need to re-introduce today's youth to Spandex and hot, sexual lead singers," said the now-creepy frontman. "Boy bands are like eunuchs compared to Rod Stewart, Keith Richards, Gene Simmons and the other symbols of raw sexual energy that we had years ago." Elton John agreed to tour without his hairpiece after the others refused to budge on the issue. "No cheating," said singer Rod Stewart, "Only those of us with our original hair are allowed to flaunt it. Sorry, Reg." According to Roth, Michael Jackson asked to join the tour but was turned down. "That fucker is creepy. Listen, man, we may be getting older, but most of use can still attract the occasional toothless groupie. The last thing we need is to bring Mike along to frighten them off." Promoters claim the logistics of the tour will be "a nightmare," saying the tour requires 250 oxygen tanks, 500 cases of Ensure and Metamucil, and 50 barrels of Centrum Silver. Adding to the problem is the hassle of transporting David Crosby's mobile sperm bank. The rest of the lineup: Rod Stewart Keith Richards Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young The Moody Blues Paul Stanley & Gene Simmons Pete Townshend (Reported by Chris White and Jody LaFerriere)
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