CURRENT ISSUE DATE 4/30/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: The Pope Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	April 30, 2002 Tolerant Vampires Now Repulsed by Star of David TRANSYLVANIA (DPI) - New guidelines for religious tolerance have been issued from the seat of vampirism. "For years we've been frightened by the sight of the Christian cross and scalded by touching holy water," explained vampire spokesman Count Dracula VI, "so in fairness to Judaism we will now have similar reactions to the sight of the Star of David and to touching smoke from a menorah." Equivalent rules for items from Hinduism, Islam, and Buddhism will also be issued. At least one unnamed vampire was not happy with this development, "Pretty soon we'll only be able to drink the blood of those non-kosher atheists -- yuck!" (Reported by Mark Schmidt) Axis of Evil Hires New Publicist BAGHDAD (DPI) - The Axis of Evil, made famous during President Bush's first State of the Union Address, has hired a new publicist, Manny Shapiro, who will be in charge of Axis media interviews and features. "Our last agent, Monty Feldman, really hasn't been keeping us in the limelight these past few weeks," said Dastardy McSnurdly, director of the Axis of Evil. Shapiro has already secured interviews in such major publications as Town and Country, Newsmonthly and Field and Stream. "We feel that Manny will not only help us achieve better publicity, but he will help us increase morale and our evil work ethic around the office," said McSnurdly. (Reported by Danny Gallagher) Bold, Strong Pope Says Pedophilia "Wrong" VATICAN CITY (DPI) - In a surprising and forceful speech, Pope John Paul II said, "Child sex abuse by our priests is wrong." The Catholic world was shocked by the blunt statement. "Count on the pope to move the world forward," said Bishop Johan Mayes of Switzerland, "I hope the secular world takes notice and considers the example set by our Holy Father." The pope also had the following to say to the thousands of children whose innocence was robbed when they were raped and abused by the men under his charge: "Sorry." (Reported by Mark Schmidt) Woman No Longer Scared of Cornrows CLEVELAND (DPI) - Cleveland homemaker Alice Wyzinski, 60, noted today that she is no longer terrified of cornrows. After a breaking-in period of three or four years, Wyzinski now fully accepts the popular hairstyle, which she once found "gangish" and "ethnic." "Once I saw that the guy in the Pizza Hut commercials and the nice fellow from FedEx who delivers my arthritis medication had them, I was OK," said Wyzinski, who has previously feared both 8-Ball jackets and "those hats that look like underwear." Giggling spokespersons for Cleveland's African-American fashion community later announced that they'd soon be working on new ways to scare the hell out of Mrs. Wyzinski. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) Gods of War Diggin' On the Warfare MT. OLYMPUS (DPI) - Gods of war Mars, Tezcatlipoca and Set are thrilled at the resurgence of dedication the mortals of Earth are showing in recent months. "That Israel-versus-Palestine thing's been simmering for ages," said a giddy Mars, "but this recent conflagration of bloodshed and violence is pure gold!" Set, listening to his Anthrax greatest-hits CD, expressed similar joy over the United States's new war on terrorism. "That bin Laden is the man, baby! He got them Yanks so uptight, they're even bombing the Canadians." Set then began chanting "Desert Storm Two, we want you!" along with Mars's "Go Dubya, go Dubya!" (Reported by George MacMillan) Welcome to My Hell ORLANDO, Fla. (DPI) - It's a world of laughter, a world of tears. It's a world of hopes, and a world of fears. There's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware, it's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. It's a small, small world. (Reported by Mark Schmidt) Vatican Removes "Plenty of Sweet, Young Tail" from Priest Brochures Surgeons Discover Human Heart Inside Jesse Helms Georgia Police Sued for Mulletly Profiling Bush Appoints Sisyphus as New Middle East Envoy Prison Welcome Wagon Brings Robert Blake a Cock-O'-Two Atlanta Segway Cops in Low-Speed Pursuit of Skateboarder Karen Hughes Resigns To Fulfill Child-Bearing Obligations As Texas Woman Travel Review: Space Getting Too Touristy More headlines Lineup Set for "Geezerpalooza" Tour Snotty Suburban Community Evicts Fat Kid Homeland Security Assigns Color-Coding to Priests WASHINGTON (DPI) - Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security, today announced that all U.S. Catholic priests would be color-coded for security. "Since the pope failed to pass any 'one strike, you're out' resolution, we had no choice," said Ridge. Under the new system, the traditional white collars worn by Catholic clergy will be exchanged with colored replacements, each color corresponding with the individual priest's assessed level of risk. Ridge also stated that additional security measures would be implemented to protect Americans from other hazards associated with attendance at Catholic churches, including protection from uninspired sermons, lame liturgical music, and pain caused by excessive kneeling. (Reported by Miles Walker) Court Grants Name Change Request to J. J. J. Schmidt RICHMOND, Va. (DPI) - The Municipal Court of Henrico County adjudicated the case of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt earlier today, granting a name-change request after a short deliberation. According to testimony, the current untenable situation was caused by another individual's bearing the same name, but the court remained skeptical that this occurred "whenever he went out," as attested in affidavits. Outbursts from the gallery were frequent, and often occurred with periods of hushed silence preceding them, prompting Judge Vinton Smalls to threaten at one point to clear the court. "My personal nightmare has ended," the plaintiff said to the press. He will now go by the name Johnny Fuckerfaster. (Reported by Martin Bredeck) Ex-Soldier Trying to Force "The 'Stan" Into Popular Vocabulary WILMINGTON, Del. (DPI) - Pfc. Jerry Dubler, 26, who was recently honorably discharged, will not stop referring to the United States's recent conflict in Afghanistan as "The 'Stan." "It's pretty embarrassing," stated a close friend of Dubler's who asked to remain unnamed. "But we'll be talking to a couple of hotties, and without fail, Jerry will start with, 'Back in The 'Stan...'" Shaking his head, the friend continued, "What a waste, too, because his uniform's a total chick magnet. But then he has to pull out that 'The 'Stan' crap, and [the chicks] are all like, 'Hey, isn't that guy over there a fireman?' " (Reported by R. M. Weiner)   World News ¤ Islamic Fundamentalists Prohibited from Throwing Molotov Cocktails ¤ Abercrombie & Fitch Unveils "Dirty Kike and Dago" Line ¤ Tanker Dog Worth Only $1.2 Million ¤ Israel Objects to U.N. Commission Members Hussein, Le Pen, Hitler   Domestic News ¤ Robert Blake Guilty of Bad Acting, Possibly Also Murder ¤ Trains Crash, Trade Insults in L.A. ¤ Tank-Top Cleavage Responsible for Four-Car Pileup ¤ Bin Laden Sighted at Phoenix Steak House   Local News ¤ Daily Probe Poll: How Do You Like Being Polled? ¤ Rock-Hard Implant Chips Boyfriend's Tooth ¤ Giggles Hamper CompUSA Re-stock Order for Mouse Balls ¤ Guy in Next Cubicle Says He'd Still Screw Jane Fonda ¤ Accountant: Gentlemen's Club Costs $43.25 per Hard-On   Entertainment ¤ Family Members Take Turns Guessing Size of Ozzy's Prostate ¤ Hamas Claims Responsibility for Bombs in UPN's Primetime Schedule ¤ The Rock Locates Nation's Lowest Common Denominator ¤ Jar Jar Binks to Cameo as Waiter in Episode II ¤ Drunken Russell Crowe Mistakenly Kicks Own Ass   Sports ¤ St. Louis Cardinals to Meet with Pope ¤ Expo Fan Tagged and Released ¤ ESPN Announces New "Reality Sports-com" The Strawberrys ¤ Red Wings Rule
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