CURRENT ISSUE DATE 4/30/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: The Pope Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us!	Probe Movie Review by J.J. Krueger   Murder by Numbers What's up, kids? Today's movie review is Murder by Numbers, the new movie starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Gosling and directed by Barbet Schroeder, the director of Single White Female and Barfly. I never saw Single White Female but I watched that Barfly flick a bunch of times on Skinamax and I gotta say that Mickey Rourke is a total horse's ass. That dude stinks up movies as bad as Julia Roberts, and trust me -- that's pretty fucking bad. The only good flick that dude's ever been in was 9 1/2 Weeks, and without going into like too much detail let's just say that I didn't dig that flick because of Mickey's acting. As a well-respected movie reviewer, it's up to me to be like totally opinionated about shit like Mickey and Julia. Otherwise, movie viewers like you guys would be like totally adrift in a sea of chaos and despair, never knowing truth from fiction, good from evil. I like heard that last line on a talk-radio show about robots -- cool, huh? Anyhow, Murder by Numbers stars Sandra Bullock as this cop or something, and then Ryan Gosling and this other dude are like trying to fuck with her mind and then kill her or something. Sandra Bullock is fucking boring in everything she's ever been in, totally. Have you seen that While You Were Sleeping flick? That sucked total ass. She should like star in a flick with like Richard Gere and they could both just like stand there and stare at the camera for like two hours. They could call it As Exciting As These Two Losers Get and it could like win the Academy Award for best acting from two boring crapwads. Man, sorry my review is so like mean this week, but Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big Burger, says she won't give me the day off to see Star Wars on the first day it opens like I wanted. She says it's a "bad precedent" and I should like "concentrate on my job harder" and like "wash every time." What a bitch. As soon as Dean promotes me to assistant manager though, she'll have to quit giving me shit all the time. They said Murder by Numbers doesn't have any nudity or drugs or nothing, so I just can't recommend the flick. Hopefully they'll have it in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 1 J out of a possible 9 J's. So till next time, see you kids at the flix. Confidential to Mr. Edward James Kufa from the bank of Africa Lome Togo in Africa somewhere: Dude, I have no idea why you would like want to transfer 95 million bucks into my bank account, but stop by the Big Burger and we can totally talk about it over a big doobie, OK?
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