Star Wars Fans' Safety Requires More Than the Force
HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - In an attempt to reduce the number of
Star Wars fans struck by speeding cars, movie theaters are
erecting gated safety areas. "Maybe it's the poor peripheral
vision in those costumes," said theater owner Jake McCleary, "or
that drivers are preoccupied with checking out the colorful garb,
but fans routinely get mowed down like traffic cones." Owners
note that it's not just crosswalks but camping lines where distracted
drivers veer hundreds of yards off the road to plow into the
crowds of middle-aged men dressed like Boba Fett. Fatalities are
expected to rise as more sci-fi fans abandon their jobs and children
to hunker down outside theaters for the May 19th premiere of Star
Wars: Revenge of the Sith. "I hope these barricades help," says
McCleary, "the number of Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks in particular
I've peeled off of grills really breaks the heart."
(Reported by Davejames)
Ousted Idol's Pledge to Continue Singing Alarms Locals
NEW YORK (DPI) - East Village residents are disheartened
that local nuisance and American Idol finalist Constantine
Maroulis failed to win the singing competition -- and plans to
return to the neighborhood. Maroulis' roommate Jay Simmons
had harbored hopes of Idol victory for his cohabitant. "I wish he
could've stayed in Hollywood a bit longer, maybe even forever,"
said Simmons. "Life without the constant humming, the
primping, and the Paula Abdul memorabilia has been a dream."
Many locals such as coffee shop owner Dave Silva eagerly
supported Maroulis, despite avoiding his performances on FOX.
"I voted for Constantine every Tuesday in hopes that he'd
advance and continue to miss my weekly open mic," said Silva.
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
DeLay: Critics Intolerant Toward Corrupt Lobbyists of Faith
WASHINGTON (DPI) - GOP House Leader Tom DeLay attacked Democrats
for being intolerant of the lobbyists of faith who have supported
him and his family. DeLay stated, "Like Christ, the petrochemical
lobbyists of faith have a religious mission to end regulations of
industrial waste pollution. How dare the Democrats discriminate
against these lobbyists of faith?" DeLay also accused the Democrats
of discrimination against the pharmaceutical industry of faith,
the financial services industry of faith, and the gambling industry
of faith. "Democrats are the enemy of all good, faith-based
industrialists," explained DeLay.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Mom Threatens Teen With Nuclear Option: Singing During Carpool
Bush Lobbies to Privatize Sinking Approval Ratings
Study: Truckstop Urinal Cake Tastier Than Pie
Runaway Dog Pissed at Attention Runaway Bride Attracting
High Gas Prices are Good for Economy, Country, My Rich Ass
A guest Probeatorial
by Dan McTanner,
VP of Public Relations, Exxon
Everybody's whining like sniveling little babies about the price
of gasoline these days. "Wah, wah, I hate paying seven cents
more per gallon. Wah, wah, I can't feed myself and drive
to work anymore." Go change your diapers already. More money
circulating through companies like Exxon means that there's more
for the government to tax, more opportunities for the stock to
rise and more loose change I can lose in the cushions of my
It's called the free market, suckers! Supply and demand is the
name of the game. Supply is low and your demand is at an all-time
high. You need it, so we can charge you whatever we want.
If we want to raise the price an extra 50 cents a drop, that's our
right. If we want to make you pay only in two dollar bills and
Susan B. Anthony coins, pry open your wallet and raid your kid's
piggy bank. If we want your first-born child to be sacrificed for a
tank of ultra premium, our attorneys tell us we can't because it's
considered murder and is "illegal."
Besides, if you want to blame someone for high gas prices, don't
look at us, look at yourself. You're the ones driving those huge
SUVs and gas-chugging behemoths that take up one-third of every
roadway in America. Demand is up, so the price goes up.
I should probably stop now. After all, I've got two kids to feed
and a Waterford crystal bathtub that's got another two years to
go on the lease.
(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher)