The Daily Probe | News satire buffet, open 24/7.

CURRENT ISSUE

Week of
May 2-6,
2005

Monday
Wednesday
Friday

Previous Issues
Crap Shop
Who's at Fault?
Contact Us!

Aye, mateys!
Get you some
Daily Probe booty!

May 2, 2005

Star Wars Fans' Safety Requires More Than the Force

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - In an attempt to reduce the number of Star Wars fans struck by speeding cars, movie theaters are erecting gated safety areas. "Maybe it's the poor peripheral vision in those costumes," said theater owner Jake McCleary, "or that drivers are preoccupied with checking out the colorful garb, but fans routinely get mowed down like traffic cones." Owners note that it's not just crosswalks but camping lines where distracted drivers veer hundreds of yards off the road to plow into the crowds of middle-aged men dressed like Boba Fett. Fatalities are expected to rise as more sci-fi fans abandon their jobs and children to hunker down outside theaters for the May 19th premiere of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. "I hope these barricades help," says McCleary, "the number of Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks in particular I've peeled off of grills really breaks the heart."

(Reported by Davejames)

Ousted Idol's Pledge to Continue Singing Alarms Locals

NEW YORK (DPI) - East Village residents are disheartened that local nuisance and American Idol finalist Constantine Maroulis failed to win the singing competition -- and plans to return to the neighborhood. Maroulis' roommate Jay Simmons had harbored hopes of Idol victory for his cohabitant. "I wish he could've stayed in Hollywood a bit longer, maybe even forever," said Simmons. "Life without the constant humming, the primping, and the Paula Abdul memorabilia has been a dream." Many locals such as coffee shop owner Dave Silva eagerly supported Maroulis, despite avoiding his performances on FOX. "I voted for Constantine every Tuesday in hopes that he'd advance and continue to miss my weekly open mic," said Silva.

(Reported by Dallas Davidson)

DeLay: Critics Intolerant Toward Corrupt Lobbyists of Faith

WASHINGTON (DPI) - GOP House Leader Tom DeLay attacked Democrats for being intolerant of the lobbyists of faith who have supported him and his family. DeLay stated, "Like Christ, the petrochemical lobbyists of faith have a religious mission to end regulations of industrial waste pollution. How dare the Democrats discriminate against these lobbyists of faith?" DeLay also accused the Democrats of discrimination against the pharmaceutical industry of faith, the financial services industry of faith, and the gambling industry of faith. "Democrats are the enemy of all good, faith-based industrialists," explained DeLay.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Mom Threatens Teen With Nuclear Option: Singing During Carpool

Bush Lobbies to Privatize Sinking Approval Ratings

Study: Truckstop Urinal Cake Tastier Than Pie

Ass Tapped

Runaway Dog Pissed at Attention Runaway Bride Attracting

High Gas Prices are Good for Economy, Country, My Rich Ass

A guest Probeatorial
by Dan McTanner,
VP of Public Relations, Exxon

Everybody's whining like sniveling little babies about the price of gasoline these days. "Wah, wah, I hate paying seven cents more per gallon. Wah, wah, I can't feed myself and drive to work anymore." Go change your diapers already. More money circulating through companies like Exxon means that there's more for the government to tax, more opportunities for the stock to rise and more loose change I can lose in the cushions of my couch.

It's called the free market, suckers! Supply and demand is the name of the game. Supply is low and your demand is at an all-time high. You need it, so we can charge you whatever we want. If we want to raise the price an extra 50 cents a drop, that's our right. If we want to make you pay only in two dollar bills and Susan B. Anthony coins, pry open your wallet and raid your kid's piggy bank. If we want your first-born child to be sacrificed for a tank of ultra premium, our attorneys tell us we can't because it's considered murder and is "illegal."

Besides, if you want to blame someone for high gas prices, don't look at us, look at yourself. You're the ones driving those huge SUVs and gas-chugging behemoths that take up one-third of every roadway in America. Demand is up, so the price goes up.

I should probably stop now. After all, I've got two kids to feed and a Waterford crystal bathtub that's got another two years to go on the lease.
(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher)

The Daily Probe Poll

As Benedict XVI settles into his new role, the Daily Probe surveyed American Catholics about issues facing the Church and the papal election process.

What do you think Pope Benedict's primary objective will be?

Holding the line on Church orthodoxy - 45%
Solidifying the Vatican's authority in Rome - 23%
Invading Poland - 30%

Why do you think Pope Benedict was elected?

To provide ideological continuity - 31%
As a probably short-lived transition pope - 35%
To star in a future Mel Brooks movie - 28%

What is the most important issue facing the Church?

Declining church attendance - 35%
Shortage of priests - 23%
Catholic girls starting much too late - 40%

Should priests be allowed to marry?

Yes - 39%
No - 51%
Yes, but not to Michael Jackson - 9%

Condoms should be:

Prohibited as against God's will - 37%
Permitted to stop unwanted pregnancies and disease - 48%
Ribbed for her pleasure - 13%

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)