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May 4, 2005

Bush Energy Plan Result of Cocky Speech Writer

WASHINGTON (DPI) – The comprehensive energy plan outlined by President Bush last week has been revealed as the brainchild of an arrogant speech writer. Zachary Anderson, a Bush administration veteran, said he got the idea for his "masterpiece" after writing a recent presidential statement on ethics charges leveled against House Majority Leader Tom Delay. "Ever since I got the President to call a man who threatened the Judicial branch of government a 'champion of democracy', I've been determined to one up myself when it comes to fucked up shit I can get him to say," said Anderson. "In one sentence I have him talk about ending dependence on a limited fossil fuel and finding energy that's better for the environment. Then in the very next sentence I have him talking about investing ridiculous amounts of money in coal. Honest to God coal! I mean it's an absolute fucking contradiction! Goddamn I'm awesome!"

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

NBA Commissioner Unavailable for Comment Regarding Rumors of Ref-Tampering by Mavs Owner

Jesus and Local Man "Just Friends"

ATLANTA (DPI) – Jesus has announced that he and Atlanta resident Wayne Anderson are "just friends." Said a heartbroken Anderson, "I thought Jesus loved me!" Jesus explained, "I just don't love Wayne in that way. It's not him, it's me." Acquaintances say Anderson has bragged about his personal relationship with Jesus since returning from a Christian evangelical camp when he was 16. Lately, Anderson has talked of taking the relationship "to the next level." Anderson has been seen writing "Wayne Christ" on stray pieces of paper and inquiring about bridal registries at Christian book stores. "I'm truly sorry if I've been leading Wayne on," said Jesus.

(Reported by Simon Paul)

Don't forget Mother's Day!

Soap Opera Creator Dies... or Does He?

LOS ANGELES (DPI) – William Joseph Bell, creator of such legendary soap operas as The Young and the Restless, died this weekend at age 78. However, sources close to the Daily Probe have learned that Bell secretly had an identical twin brother, Alan Conrad Bell, who had spent several years in and out of health care facilities. Adding to the mystery is the fact that William's wife Evelyn was listed along with Alan Bell as co-beneficiaries of a million-dollar life insurance policy. Is William Bell REALLY dead? Will Evelyn and Alan collect on the policy? Will Nikki ever stop stripping? And will Victor ever stop being an evil bastard? These questions and more to be answered next time... in the Daily Probe.

(Reported by Greg Preece)

Insurgents Sweep Iraqi Police and Advance to the Next Round

North Korea Backs Multi-Party Talks on Frist's Nuclear Option

Shuttle Launch Director Gets Cold Feet and Runs Away

Survey: 83 Percent of AOL Users Thought Laura Bush Hilarious

Selig Suspends Players for Violating Passover Kosher Rules

Has Our Long National Nightmare of Disdainful Penis Pointing Finally Come to An End?

A guest Probeatorial
by Dr. Philip Carlson

On Monday, when PFC Lynndie England pleaded guilty to charges related to prisoner abuse at Baghdad's Abu Ghraib facility, our long national nightmare of soldiers disdainfully pointing at penises may have finally come to an end.

The horrible pictures of England pointing her double-barreled fingers -- as if to say, "Look, I've got a penis in my sights, and I could not be more disdainful" -- were treated by many as the first of their kind. But that chooses forget the jungle insanity that was the Viet Nam war, where much pointing at penises, a great deal of it piled with utter disdain, occurred. Villages -- Dong Nam Bo, Hai Phong and Li Mang among them -- all have scarred victims of malevolent singling out of the penis. Many of these victims suffer from psychiatric pain so great, they still go several meters in the jungle to urinate alone.

And while North Korea's secrecy makes records sketchy on disparagement of the penis, many would be surprised to discover the Good War (WWII) was not free of making the enemy's penises an object for highlighted scorn. The popular marching song "Got Herman's Penis In My Sights" was thought to be an overly crude, if not overly bloody, ditty about taking aim with a rifle. But it was in fact far worse, a song glorifying stripping a German soldier to the buff, and making fun of his penis for all the world to see.

Lynndie England's abuses at Abu Ghraib may be revolting, but they may also have brought the practice into the open to be examined, condemned, and -- if we are lucky -- forever put to rest. Let us raise our glasses to a world where hooded, sightless prisoners can be stripped naked and sprayed with fire hoses without suffering the humiliation of disdainful penis mocking.

(Transcribed by Davejames)

This week's guest:


Joan: An icon if there ever was one, welcome the official state toy of Pennsylvania... Slinky!

Slinky: Thank you!

Joan: I just couldn't be more pleased. I've been a huge fan for years. And between you and me, you are the real deal. No plastic Slinkies for this journalist!

Slinky: Well, that's very sweet of you, but I'm really okay with the plastic ones. In my 60 years on the market, I've seen a lot come and go, and I'm not worried about plastic. If you want a slinkity sound, though, you have to come to me.

Joan: Sixty years. What do you think makes you so long-lived?

Slinky: I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fact that I'm soothing. I can be very relaxing, don't you think?

Joan: Well, other than when you get all knotted up...

Slinky: That's user error! You can't hold me responsible when people don't play properly. It's not my fault if stupid kids throw me around or try to make a necklace out of me.

Joan: Um, well--

Slinky: And then the little animals pull me to see how far I'll stretch, and get all "boo hoo" when I don't snap back to my former tight, compact shape. That infuriates me beyond reason. I mean, it's just like your boobs--

Joan: Excuse me?

Slinky: Your boobs. Look at 'em. You stretch 'em out when you have kids, they aren't going to snap back. They're going to hang down around your waistband.

Joan: Are you criticizing my breasts?

Slinky: No, I'm just saying you and I are a lot alike. Stretch and pull me too far and whoomp, I might as well be 50-year-old honkers.

Joan: Hello? I'm not 50!

Slinky: Sure. Anyway, if any of the kids out there want to read more about me, remember to visit the Poof-Slinky, Inc., website.

Joan: Poof-Slinky?

Slinky: Look, don't go there. I can't help that the company that owns me now was named Poof. It has nothing to do with me personally, I can tell you that. I am 100% red-blooded American hetero.

Joan: Red-blooded? You're made out of steel. And you're a toy... you don't have a sexual orientation.

Slinky: Riiiiight. How do you think I know so much about saggy breasts?

Joan: But if anything, "fun for a girl and a boy" sort of implies--

Slinky: Look at the time. It's been lovely chatting with you. Remember kids, I'm available in pretty much every store on planet Earth! Buy me today!

(Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)

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