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May 2-6,
2005

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May 6, 2005

Lucas Warns Star Wars: Episode III Filled with Sci-Fi Violence, Sodomy

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - Director George Lucas is warning moviegoers that his final Star Wars film has been given a PG-13 rating by the MPAA. According to Lucas, unlike its five predecessors, Revenge of the Sith is not appropriate for children because of intense fight scenes and frequent anal sex. This is in addition to the plethora of thinly veiled sexual euphemisms such as Anakin's "pulsing lightsaber" and Queen Amidala's "Spaceport." Most of the offensive content comes after the introduction of the Wookiee home world. The film portrays Chewbacca and his comrades both fighting hard and playing hard.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Don't forget Mother's Day!

Probe Reporter Again Denied Access to Elisha Cuthbert

TORONTO (DPI) - The Daily Probe's Greg Preece, an avid fan of Canadian actress Elisha Cuthbert, was disappointed to learn that he'll once again be denied access to the knee-weakeningly-hot starlet when she visits Toronto to promote her upcoming film House of Wax. "Yeah, so she's supposed to be doing this Live@Much thing next week," said Preece, referring to a program on Canadian MTV-equivalent MuchMusic. "I got invited down to it by some friends who work at the station. But I've got to fucking WORK that night and I can't get out of it." Preece then turned to his computer monitor, which features Elisha Cuthbert wallpaper, and let out a disturbing sigh. "Don't worry," he said to the image of the former 24 star. "I'll have you yet." Cuthbert's lawyer and publicist both expressed relief upon learning that Preece would be unable to attend the taping. Eli Goldstein, Cuthbert's attorney, also noted that according to the terms of his restraining order, he'd have a hard time getting in the door anyway.

(Reported by Greg Preece)

General Electric Fans Criticize Company's Selections in 2005 MBA Draft

NEW YORK (DPI) - The Brooklyn GE Fan Club watched the company's entry-level draft at the Lighthouse Pub on Saturday, but members were unhappy with the company's choices. "They hired Johnson out of Wharton," said an incredulous Roy Dubrowski. "Have you seen that guy's B-School grades? My mother drafts better spread sheets." Fans also were outraged at the selection of Preston Clark, an MBA graduate from Michigan. "All the holes in GE's performance last year were in production, and they hire a guy who got a C in microeconomics?" said Johnny Furtangelo. Furtangelo swore this would be the last year he selected mostly GE executives for his fantasy corporation team.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Bush: Why Hasn't Prince Abdullah Called Me?

Runaway Bride's Still-Eager Groom Edges Out Gannon, Guckert in Douchebag Hall of Fame Balloting

Penis-Pointing Prison Guard Pleads Down to Ass-Pointing

Intercepted Letter Indicates al-Zarqawi "May Have Already Won"

2 Bombs Explode at British Consulate in NYC; No One Notices

Coming Soon: Tom Cruise in Katie Holmes' Ass

Spamonia: A Little Bit of Paradise

SPAMONIA (DPI) -- Should you wish to get away from it all, consider the idyllic state of Spamonia, where life is almost too good to be true.

The Daily Probe met with the president of Spamonia, Indecision Q. Reveling, over a snack of Cialis soft tabs washed down with discount printer ink. He explained that Spamonians are a perpetually blissful lot, in large part because all residents enjoy insanely low mortgage rates, refinanced daily. Indeed, along with verifying eBay account information, refinancing is the island's principal business sector. All debt has been eliminated the Christian way. Moreover, Spamonians these days rarely have debt, as most of them have mastered financial investment strategies that allow them to make money fast.

Economic activity is just a sideline, though, as most Spamonians are too busy enjoying their rekindled teenage sex drives. The men all have enormous penises, and the women spend their free time applying enhancement cream to their already two-cup-sizes-larger busts while listening to free iPods.

Of course, Spamonia does have its dark side. This small nation has the world's highest incidence of cheating, horny housewives looking for action with strangers met via the Internet. Additionally, many Spamonians have difficulty spelling even the simplest words correctly. Spamonia is also a haven for deposed African dictators, but for lack of a national banking system, they must rely on cooperative foreign citizens to deposit their substantial holdings.

All too soon, we were compelled to leave behind Spamonia, the untraceable address of high living. But we'll be reminded of it hundreds of times a day!

(Reported by JJ Gertler and Geoff Brown)

Ask Zarxnol

The premier child psychologist on his home planet
Xargolia before being called to the service of his
Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol
happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers.

Dear Zarxnol,

I have a 3-year-old son who is always in trouble. He starts acting up as soon as I pick him up from day care. He is good all day, but as soon as he sees me he turns into a little monster! What is the problem?

Concerned in Corning

Concerned:

Dullard! Do you even read the imbecilic drivel you scrawl with your own six-fingered hands?

To wit: The child is good until YOU enter his field of vision. When YOU cannot be sensed by the Li'l Cerned, he is a model citizen. The moment YOU encroach his sphere of attention, his demeanor transforms to that of a toddling incubus. Without YOU, he is a tiny gentleman to be held up as an example to all; with YOU, he displays distemper and vitriol to such a degree as to cause even His Most High Wrathfulness Xargol to cringe and take notice! So I ask YOU, Concerned in Corning, what might YOU think YOUR son's vexation may be?

Alas, were you able to discern such obvious truisms, Con, your pretty purple crayon never would have left its box to scratch out this letter to ask for advice from an alien conqueror who aches to destroy you. I will therefore keep your answer simple: THE PROBLEM IS YOU, you vapid meatsack of excrement!

Besides your overawing stupidity and witlessness, Con, Li'l Cerned's troubles begin and end with structure. At day care, he is under the control of governesses who succinctly outline behavioral expectations. Further, punishments for deviation from these standards are similarly delineated and, more importantly, brought to bear when appropriate. Also considering that you are a significant genetic contributor of his, your moppet assuredly languishes at the back of day care's herd of urchins developmentally, thus subjecting him to harsh and enthusiastic peer reprisal when his actions deviate from social norms. Greater society with its checks and balances on divergence forces your L'il Cerned to act obligingly, due to his inferiority as an individual when compared to his ankle-biting confreres.

However, once alone with you, Li'l Cerned is the smartest and strongest creature in the room (albeit by default), and naturally aims to exploit this advantage to its fullest. A 3-year-old demi-retard what sprang from your own loins bests you on a religious basis. Oh, the tragicomic farce you are, Concerned! Pathetic insect!

Your utter spinelessness causes me to vomit in my own mouth - a bitter taste that shall soon enough be washed away by the sweetness of Xargol's absolute conquest of you wretched earthlings at the hand of my mighty Armies from the Sea! Prepare to bow before your master Zarxnol, Appointed Prefect of Xargol!

Seriously, prepare, moron! Practice! I question your grasp on the kneel-and-bend protocol while maintaining respiration.

Regards,
Zarxnol

Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com

(Translated by Carl Knorr)