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5/6/03 Front Page Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Alaric Riding Shotgun with Adventure Moth's Diary Musing with Mitch News from Travistan Movie Corner Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Advice from Strangers
This week's guest:
General George S. Patton, Jr.
U.S. Army, 02605
1885 - 1945
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Dear Gen. Patton, My daughter plays soccer in a league for 12-year-olds. The coach just doeasn't care if they win or lose, he just wants the girls to have "fun." Is there any way I can convince him to play his team harder so we can actually win for a change? Losing in Lansing Dear LiL, Tell him to stop being a wimp and kick some ass. ALL REAL Americans love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball players, the toughest boxers. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans. This pansy coach who cares about individuality doesn't know any more about REAL competition than he knows about knocking boots. You should pity the poor bastards you're playing against each week. All right now, you sons of bitches, you know how I feel. George S. Patton Dear Gen. Patton, I'm having trouble winning over this girl in the cubicle next to me. We're really good friends, but I think she already has this thing for a guy in the cubicle that's two cubicles up and three cubicles to the left from mine. How can I get her to like me and think he's an egotistical jerk? Lonely and in Love in Lubbock Dear Lonely, Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won over a girl by making himself look pathetic. He did it by making the other poor dumb bastard look pathetic. Forget the egotistical jerk offensive, and tell the girl he's really a guy who collects stamps and stays in his parents' basement where he sleeps and yanks the Field general. Then you won't have to tell your grandchildren, "I Beat It Off in Lubbock." George S. Patton Dear Mr. Patton, My name is Misty, I am 5 years old. My cat is stuck in a tree and I can't get her down. Can you help me? Misty Dear Misty, Sure I can help. Gunner? 13 degrees to the left, 5 degrees north ... FIRE! George S. Patton |
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