GOP Denies Bush Stuffed Cucumber into Pilot Jumpsuit

WASHINGTON (DPI) - As President Bush stepped out of a Navy jet onto the deck of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln this week, reporters were impressed to see him wearing a full pilot's uniform, including helmet, boots and jumpsuit. But they were even more impressed by the size of the "pilot" that the president was packing in his pants. Democrats on Capitol Hill were quick to criticize the size of the president's package, claiming that his unit had been "enhanced" with strategically placed fresh produce. Republican leadership denied the allegations, claiming instead that "they do everything bigger in Texas."

(Reported by Miles Walker)


Rural Iraqis Told of End of Regime, Fall of Babylon

TIGRIS RIVER VALLEY (DPI) - Several nomadic Bedouin tribes in rural Iraq were shocked and amazed to learn from U.S. servicemen of the fall of Saddam Hussein, as well as the defeat of Hammurabi, Great King of Babylonia, who united Mesopotamia in 1768 B.C. "Great is the news brought to us by these friendly messengers of the gods," said a salt merchant who refused to have his name recorded except in cuneiform, using sharpened reed upon clay tablet. "Perhaps now we shall enjoy an era of peace much like that of Akkadian King Sargon I when he first conquered the city-states of Sumer. Those were the days."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Satellite Falls Harmlessly Into Africa

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Amid fears of many countries around the world this week, the uncontrolled re-entry of a 1.5-ton Italian satellite has resulted in its harmless crash somewhere in Africa. "We were very relieved," said an unnamed spokesman. "We were initially afraid that it would hit Brazil or Columbia -- that would have been a nightmare. When we heard it hit in Africa somewhere, maybe near the coast or something, that was almost as good as if it had just hit in the ocean. I think we can all breathe a big sigh of relief." The president of Africa was apparently unavailable for comment.

(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)


Community Wading Pool 22% Pee

FT. LAUDERDALE, Fla. (DPI) - The foot-deep kiddie pool at Fort Lauderdale's Palmetto Estates subdivision clubhouse is nearly a quarter pee, environmentalists said this week. "Not surprising with the number of pee-squirting little kids in there every Saturday," said community custodian Manuel Hernandez, cordoning off the area with yellow tape. "I'm surprised it doesn't overflow Hell, I've pissed in there myself." The wading pool is expected to be closed to the public indefinitely while Hernandez drains, scrubs and hoses down all of the tinkle-vessel's surfaces and has laboratory tests done to determine the fecal content of a dark smudge near the drain.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


Destruction of World Tied to Lunch Money Incident

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Authorities have traced the upcoming destruction of the world to that time you pounded the lunch money out of that nerd back in sixth grade. Dr. Elliot Deloit, known at the time as "Smelliot," has nurtured his impotent rage until it blossomed into a psychopathic desire to destroy all life on the planet. Unfortunately, in the shy and stuttering Deloit the perfect storm of a 200 IQ, emotionally abusive mother and access to advanced technology converged, giving him the tools needed to make his hellish dream a reality. So, thanks a lot, asshole. You're going to get us all killed.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)

Elderly Gent Has Had Enough of Your Shenanigans