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Sunday 4th May

Something terrible is afoot. Jennifer Lopez wants Kylie Minogue's ass creme, and nothing on heaven or earth will keep her from her bottom's desire. Earth's foundations tremble! My own fundament quakes, to be perfectly frank. A friend of La M. told reporters, "Kylie's makeup girl has found the elixir of arse-maintenance, and there's no way she'll let that awful Lopez woman near it." Bravo, say I, who last Sunday had to endure constant ESPN camera shots of J-Lo filing her nails and stifling yawns in a pink fur-lined parka at a ballgame in Anaheim. What's odd is that I am the manufacturer of said creme, and what's odder still is that I haven't sent it to Kylie or even told her makeup girl about it yet. After I figure out the appropriate fragrance to offset the creme's natural tartness, the drum will be shipped to Kylie only, never fret.

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