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5/6/03 Front Page Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Alaric Riding Shotgun with Adventure Moth's Diary Musing with Mitch News from Travistan Movie Corner Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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 Daily Probe Movie Review by Zach Landers Editor, Magic Bullet Theory Magazine X2: X-Men United Rating: 3 stars (out of 5) X2: X-Men United is, of course, the sequel to the highly successful 2000 release X-Men. The story is simple, if not derivative of the Holocaust, ethnic cleansing, and other human rights violations. In this universe, there exists a species of man known as mutants, or "Homo superior." These gifted individuals have various powers, such as shooting powerful beams from their eyes, flying, teleportating, etc. The federal government is cracking down on mutants, forcing them to register or trying to eliminate them completely. It is up to the titular X-Men to prevent this from happening while trying to protect mankind at the same time -- a daunting task. Of course, this Hollywood fabrication only hints at the actual truth. In real life -- and I have been persecuted for spreading this truth -- mutants not only walk among us, but are more plentiful than you might think. And the government? They're not trying to eliminate them. Quite the opposite: Mutants are controlled by the feds! As a matter of fact, you see several prominent mutants in the media every day without realizing it. For example, conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh is actually a powerful mutant who is able to control the minds of the weak-willed, although using this power for years has had a negative effect on his hearing. Also, Shelley Morrison -- Rosario on *Will & Grace* -- is also a mutant who has the ability to make several hundred dollars worth of merchandise disappear. There's more, believers! Britney Spears is able to manipulate male hormones, causing grown men to sprout uncontrollable erections. Jim Belushi has the mutant ability to keep getting work despite having no discernible talent. King Of Queens star Kevin James uses mind control to get Americans to believe that a beautiful woman like Leah Remini would settle for a balding, fat courier. And Geraldo Rivera -- code-named Cockroach -- is obviously a mutant who is incapable of dying or going away. There are more, but I don't think that I'll be able to list them all before the Men in Black jam my transmissions, so I'll end with the most notorious: U.S. President George W. Bush is actually a very powerful mutant with the ability to rig electi$#%#@$!@$@!$!@$/.///////NO CARRIER |
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