May 7, 2002
Foreplay Talks Fail
MADISON, WI (DPI) - Negotiations have broken down between Steve
Merritt's penis and Karen Chase's vagina in the basement game room of
her parents' home. While Chase was eager to negotiate a surrender,
her vagina held firm to its steadfast position, leaving her emotionally
distraught. Merritt was forced to withdraw the member of his
fact-finding mission after repeated attempts to breach the impasse
proved unsuccessful. Despite the gridlock, Merritt did receive oral
reparations for the effort put forth to broker
the accord. Dialogue will resume next weekend when Chase's parents again
leave town, and Merritt vows to bring more than just social lubricant then.
(Reported by Dave Henry)
Kentucky Derby History Made as Bull Stampedes to Win
LOUISVILLE, KY (DPI) - Ferdinand's Hope, a three-year-old bull running in its
first Triple Crown event, shocked the horse-racing world by placing first in
Sunday's Kentucky Derby. The ball-less wonder, a 200-1 longshot, was in
last place for half the race, but came on strong at the insistent urging
of jockey Enrique Vasquez, emerging from the pack just before the home stretch
and hanging on as War Emblem made a furious run at the wire.
(Reported by Chris White)
Houseplant Admits to Asexuality
LIVING ROOM (DPI) - A fern sitting in the corner of the living room has
publicly admitted that it
is asexual. "Something inside is telling me that I can hide the truth no
longer," it said at a public press conference today. "I'm asexual, and I'm
proud of it." Rumors about the fern's supposed sexual preference abounded
when it was seen in an underground asexual bar where asexuals go to meet
themselves. The cactus that props open the door to the backyard could not be
reached for comment.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Study: America's "Best Places to Live" Lack Freaks and Assholes
WASHINGTON (DPI) - A new report by a Washington think tank concludes that
the quality of life in a given area is directly related to the percentage
of freaks and assholes that reside there. According to sociologist Irving
Thompson, "Previous studies were based on the assumption that people want to
live where there are low crime rates and good schools. Our research,
however, has found that the highest priority is avoidance of weirdos and
jerkoffs." Moderately priced housing and low levels of pollution are
appealing, according to the findings, but what people really want is to not
be living near idiots who paint their house orange and nutjob mothers still
nursing their 7-year-olds.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Spider-Man Shocked by Basic Facts of Arachnid Sex
NEW YORK (DPI) - While TV surfing today, Spider-Man was horrified to
the sex life of spiders is terrifying and brief, at least from the male
spider's point of view. A Nature Channel documentary revealed that
it is common for female spiders to devour their mates. "Whoa! Male
spiders throw themselves into the jaws of the female while doing it, and
keep right on pumping as their bodies are devoured!" stated the
webslinger. "Something about their lives being pretty much over once they've
mated, so they cash it in while on top. Man, wish I'd been
bitten by a radioactive weasel."
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
Weird Foreign Guy Looking for "Petrol"
AMARILLO, TEXAS (DPI) - Residents reported seeing a strange foreigner at a
gas station on the outskirts of Amarillo today, speaking in a strange
language and requesting "petrol" for his "lorry." "I suppose the poor
fellow didn't speak much English, because I couldn't understand a word he
was saying," said cashier Jolene Smith. The stranger, clad in a strange
foreign-looking knit cap and twill sportcoat, may have memorized a few words
from an English-to-Ooga-Booga phrasebook. Describing himself as "peckish,"
he was last seen riding off in a truck in search of a "spot of tea."
Witnesses were unable to determine where Peckish people come from.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
PC Pissboy Prefers to Be Called "Person of Urine"
Leering Man in Juice Bar Makes Woman Feel Like a Piece of Produce
Mother Can't Remember Whether Thermometer is Oral or Rectal
Nation's Surrealists Agree: Bamboo Smokestack Asparagus Howler Monkey
C-Span Launches "Reality Politi-Com"
Mariah Carey Hits High Note, Cracks Implant
Lindbergh's Grandson Recreates Lindy's Historic Pro-Nazi Speech
Judas Priest Defrocked
Daily Probe Exclusive:
New Star Wars Characters Revealed!
Woman Relishes Cubicle Spot Next to Window
PITTSBURGH (DPI) - PennTech secretary Shirley Watson
enjoys her new cubicle position by the office window.
"Shirley is always the first one to run around and
tell everyone to close their car windows when it
rains," says co-worker Alice Smith. "She's like the
Weather Channel." Security Guard Walter Johnson also
hears from Watson frequently. "That lady's always
calling about people parking in the handicap spots, or
some delivery van she thinks looks suspicious. She's
like the FB-friggin'-I over there." Watson was moved
from her former cubicle next to the breakroom due to
her overzealous monitoring of the coffee machine and
refrigerator cleaning schedules.
(Reported by George MacMillan)
NRA Develops Tactical Nuclear Warheads, Begins Safety Classes
WASHINGTON (DPI) The National Rifle Association developed tactical nuclear
weapons recently and safety classes will begin shortly. "We believe that a
person having a nuclear weapon in their home will be a better deterrent than
any security system. With proper training we can insure our members will
safely store their warheads," an NRA spokesman said. Although the NRA was
involved only with the development of the warhead, both Springfield and
Winchester are planning on having short-range "Home Defender" missiles in
gun stores by September. NRA-sponsored safety classes will be starting as
soon as June.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
Pentecostal Leader Feels 'Slighted' by Catholic Press Coverage
FARMINGTON, IN (DPI) - Pastor Vernon Mathers, a longtime leader of a
fundamentalist Pentecostal sect, expressed disappointment over the Roman
Church's ongoing crisis, citing the coverage as "completely one-sided." "As
a more wacky sect of Christianity, I am dismayed at how we are being ignored
despite our best efforts." The Pentecostal movement started out with a
pedophilia scandal, but the lack of outrage led them to handling venomous
snakes and engaging in induced seizures to attract media attention. "What
do we have to do to get a little airtime around here?" said Mathers, "Build
a compound and kill a couple of federal agents?"
(Reported by Ross Brown)
Cows Slaughtered as Meat and Leather Demand Drops
BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA (DPI) - Ranchers outside Bakersfield today were
to slaughter more than 20,000 of their livestock due to a lack of income.
"People are eating less beef, and those vegans don't even drink milk or
wear leather," explained John Gulledge of the Knudsen Farms, "so we were
forced to shoot and bury over half our cows and calves due to lack of
demand." PETA member Bradley Ashford was joyous at the news, "Every
animal we force them to kill for no reason whatsoever is one less animal
only living to produce meat and leather for the carnivores out there!"
(Reported by Mark Schmidt)
World Distraught as France Elects French President
Kofi Talk Big Hit on U.N. Cablecast
Favorite Sexual Act Also a Form of Contraception
Clinton Traded to North Korea for Dictator to be Named Later
Viagra Makers Celebrate 5 Years of People Paying Them for Sex
Arafat Pledges to be More Discreet in Orchestrating Terrorism
"I'd Rather Be Shooting Infidels" Voted Least Popular American Bumper
Cosmic Forces Fail to Find Miss Cleo's Keys
KFC Declared Finger Lickin' Good, Heart Stoppin' Greasy
Adolescent Duck Duck Goose Game Ends With Assault Charges
Once-Cool Musician-Type Now Older, Obsessed With Lawn Care
Tardy Church Member Forced to Consume Own Dish at Pot Luck
Unshaven Dude Crosses Line From "Exotically Unkempt" to "Hobo"
Rob Reiner Now 87.2% Jowls
"So I'm Living in LA Now..." Retired to Standup Opener Hall of Fame
Confused Bono Advocates for Battered Shrimp
Lopes Funeral Features Heartfelt Eulogies, Shitty Music
Rob Blake Scores for Colorado, Robert Blake Scored Upon in Prison
Glue Stick Places Last in Derby
Royals Suck Royally