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May 9-13,
2005

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May 9, 2005

Report: Paula Abdul Helped Ratzinger Win Papacy

VATICAN CITY(DPI) – Catholics around the globe were stunned today to discover that newly elected Pope Benedict XVI received behind-the-scenes coaching from American Idol judge Paula Abdul during the conclave -- a fact that doesn't sit well with some of his papal rivals. "There I am, working my ass off trying to win, and there's Joe, always on the cell phone talking to Paula," said Cardinal Angelo Scola. "She's giving him pointers on which vestments to wear and which readings to do during his homilies. Plenty of other cardinals can back me up on this." Abdul denied the charges, saying, "I thought Cardinal Ratzinger did a great job. He won it fair and square. He's a really special person, and he looked like he was having a lot of fun out there."

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)

2005 Dubbed Year of the Spoon-Faced Wanker

LOS ANGELES (DPI) – Reflecting the contest's international reach, the simple-yet-elegant "Spoon-Faced Wanker" won the coveted Insult of the Year Award, narrowly beating out "Neverland Rancher." Insult experts noted that while devastatingly insulting, "Neverland Rancher" was too vague and trendy and lacked harshness. "It was too difficult to determine if one was purported to run the ranch or to be a visitor," said one Insult Academy member. The unprecedented three-year-running championship phrase "Hamburger Helper Twat" would seem to indicate a preference on the part of academy voters for profanity coupled with vivid imagery. This is why many in the field are looking at the fledgling affront "Shut your dog food fuck hole" to make a run in 2006.

(Reported by Davejames)

Runaway Bride's Actual Murder Ironically Tragic

ATLANTA (DPI) – The body of Jennifer Wilbanks was found in a field today, concluding the tragic tale that's become known as The Bride Who Cried Wolf. Wilbanks was originally believed to have been abducted just prior to her wedding day but was found to have been suffering from nothing more than a case of cold feet. When she again went missing a few days ago, police were slow to react. "Yeah, I'll just order the helicopters into the air and recruit volunteers for another extensive search," said Sheriff Leroy Jenkins when told of the second disappearance. "Come on. I'm not falling for that bullshit again." At a later news conference, Jenkins appeared more somber, saying, "As the reluctant search party made the gruesome discovery, it became clear that Miss Wilbanks was actually kidnapped and murdered this time. That's my bad."

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Gas Station Mother's Day Card Saves the Day

Steinbrenner's Horse Loses Derby; Joe Torre Fired

Victorious Tony Blair Still America's Bitch

New Chia Penis Can Grow Lush Pubic Hair

Desperate Bush to Include Free iPod With Every Private Account 1

It's a Miracle! My Dick
Looks Like the Virgin Mary!

A guest Probeatorial
by John Beerman

One night last week during my nightly prayer ritual, I noticed a shadow on my bedroom wall that appeared to be the silhouette of the Virgin Mary. It was tall, slender, powerfully beautiful yet supple, wearing the headscarf her many devotional portraits depict. A divine signal, I thought to myself - a true gift from God! I traced the angle of the shadow back to the light source and realized that the shadow was cast by my erect circumcised penis. It's a miracle! My dick looks like the Virgin Mary!

I know the image of the Virgin Mary is appearing in a lot of curious places these days - on a bridge underpass in Chicago, in a grilled cheese sandwich in Florida. And, in order to envision the Holy Mother in most of those alleged miracles, you have to squint, turn your head and still use your imagination. While I was indeed doing all those things during my ritual laying of hands, the visage of the mother of Christ remained as clear as day. The image was too real to keep to myself, and it became evident to me that the miraculous blessing of my hardened cock must be shared.

I invite all ladies that are deep in faith and tight with conviction to visit this miracle in my trousers. Please, by all means, touch it, stroke it, and kiss this icon of saintly perfection. Take this image of holiness deep inside your body and soul, repeatedly, until you make it weep with divine joy. Until a sweet, hard- bodied young woman in a Catholic school uniform has felt the grace and power of my heavenly cock, she will not have gotten the righteous peace she deserves.

And for those of you hotties that aren't into the whole Mary-sighting scene, I sense that the image of my holy Johnson will morph into one of Darth Vader in a couple weeks. Make your reservations now ... the line forms on the left!
(Transcribed by Carl Knorr)

Musing With Mitch

by Mitchell Kobriger

Often overlooked is the war's effect on fulfilling recruiting goals at our nation's barber colleges.

I think pickle relish is my favorite relish, but don't ask me why. Haven't a clue.

Look, I'm not makin' any apologies, but if there is a big red button in the room I'm gonna press it.

Idea! Someone needs to invent a fishing lure that calls to the male fish in seductive female-fish talk. A little sex appeal always makes the guys come runnin'.

There's no phrase on this Earth that can't be made funnier when it's read in an expertly rendered Al Jolson voice.

Take it from Mitch: The Kibbles are so-so, but the Bits are disgusting.

I'm thinking of switching to cowboy boots, but only if I can wear them with my argyles. Think that's a fashion faux pas?

I'm not here to split hairs, folks. But where Mitch comes from, if it's glancing, it ain't a blow.

Toenail polish is sexy, ladies. Use it, please.

I would have made a great cabbie. It's strange how these things hit you at a time in life when it's just too damn late to do anything about it.

Plaid used to be a perfectly good pattern until that Ralph Lauren guy swooped in and pansied it all up.

Do they still sell those little cigars with the plastic tips on them?

Like most folks, I'm amazed every morning when I open my paper and *don't* see a story about one of those Teletubbies turning up dead in a hotel room.

For my money, there's no better jerky than turkey jerky. Fun to say, too!

It's decades later but my Dad's words still ring true. "Mitch, if you can get the cat out of the tree and still have a tree to tie your hammock to afterward, you've done good."