Bush Disappointed at Lack of Braves Fans in Georgia
TBILISI, GEORGIA (DPI) President Bush arrived in the
former Soviet republic of Georgia this week eager to thank
his supporters for delivering the state's 15 electoral votes
in 2004. Donning an Atlanta Braves ball cap, Bush began his
remarks at the Tbilisi airport by joking that his political
advisers urged him to leave his Nationals cap on board Air
Force One. "We're only trailing you by two games in the NL
East," Bush said. "But I know better than to enter the Peach
State without my foam Tomahawk." President
Mikhail Saakashvili reportedly had little to offer on the subject of John
Smoltz's fastball. "He droned on and on about some neighboring town called
Chechnya," said a White House aide. "The president conceded that the
geography of the Florida Panhandle is not his expertise, but he promised
to put his brother Jeb on the case."
(Reported by Dallas Davidson)
Assbutter Online Pharmacy Forced Out of Business
PADUCAH, Ky. (DPI) The Kentucky Pharmacology Board
and the Better Business Bureau of Paducah have forced
pharmacist Chancre Q. Assbutter to shut down his
business, RxAssbutterOnline.com. The agencies have charged
Assbutter with dispensing more than 500 prescriptions using inferior,
untested or unsafe medications, and 48 counts of fraud and identity theft.
Assbutter called the accusations a case of mistaken identity. "I tried
telling those bureau guys that there must be another Chancre Q. Assbutter
engaging in unscrupulous business, but for some reason they wouldn't even
hear it," said Assbutter. Assbutter said he plans to call his brother
Penitence Z. Assbutter, a mortgage broker, and twin sisters Lugubrious G.
and Frothy L. Assbutter, adult entertainers, to warn them of frauds
potentially committed in their names.
(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)
Satisfied Customers Doom Sony Director
NEW YORK (DPI) - In a move signaling dissatisfaction with spiraling costs,
Sony Electronics USA has fired Director of Difficult Rebate Acquisitions
and Innocuous Check Mailings Rick Margot. "We had a sharp spike in
consumers obtaining rebates from our products and actually cashing those
rebate checks," said spokesman Myla Findle. "That's an expense we don't
figure into the budget." Some industry watchers say the firing was unfair
and point to Margot's refusal to allow Internet redemption and decision to
mail payments in envelopes disguised as junk mail marked "You May
Have Already Won." Innovative or not, consumer satisfaction ratings on the
Sony rebate system rose to an unheralded 34 percent, a level unacceptable
by industry standards. "When that many people think their money is their
money, you are certainly out of a job," said one insider.
(Reported by Davejames)
John Bolton Bites Head Off Bat at Confirmation Hearing
Idaho Closed Due to Lack of Interest
Re-Elected Blair Free to Marry Camilla Parker Bowles
Local Cell Phone Company Willing to Do Whatever It Fucking Takes to Sign You
Spike Lee Chastises Self for Not Being Black Enough
Fuck Globilization; or Why Foriegners
No Longer Kiss American Ass
A guest Probeatorial
by Mike Williamson
I've decided that I am completely, absolutely, unapologeticly
against globilization, and I'll tell you why:
There was a time, not too long ago, when foriegners were expected
to kiss American's ass. Now I know I'm probably not being too politicly
correct when I say that, but fuck PC — I'm an angrey man.
Globilization changed everything.
I just got back from a vacation in Europe — 14 cities in 10 days. We covered
all the major metropolitan areas and saw all the sites. Your Eifful Tower, your
Roman Colliseum, your Big Ben, what have you. Saw 'em all. But at no point
did a single European kiss my ass. Have these people forgotten that we are
the biggest, baddest superpower in the world? Do they not realize that we
can nuke they're asses anytime we feel like it?!?
Man, I remember when we were revered just for owning a pair of Levi's. Now
every country has Levi's — in fact, Levi's are made in other countrys,
not in the U.S. of A., and that's another thing that pisses me off. And remember
when they loved us for inventing rock 'n roll? These ungreatful bastards have
conveinently forgotten about all that. Hell, they think any skinny dork
with a guitar can be rock 'n roll — sorry, Pierre, but it's only rock if
it comes from America, my friend.
Maybe I'm just living in the past, but I liked it better when European
chicks thought American guys were cool. Now they just heap on the scorn
everytime you ask them for directions or something. And you can forget
about getting laid over there, unless you're willing to renownce your citizenship.
It's a sad state of affairs these days in Europe. These people used to worship
us like Gods. Now because of globilization, they think their on equal status
with us Americans. Hey, you do what you gotta do, Marco, but if you keep
up the nasty behavior, you can just quit using our goddammed internet.
by Ron Langston
Chapter 48 — A Supersized Adventure
When a man cannot bring the sandwich to him, he must
bring himself to the sandwich. My journey was guided
by Enrique Salazar, a 20-year veteran sandwich wrangler.
Salazar brought me to San Antonio's infamous Santa Ana
Mall food court, where he said the new Macho Grande
Sandwich could be obtained. Salazar warned me that
the denizens of the food court were a hearty band,
unaccustomed to niceties such as napkins or
deodorant, and we must prepare our taste buds
accordingly. We chewed dried pieces of cactus bark to
block our pores and sinuses against all outside
The Macho Grande Sandwich was the offering of the
Peyote Pit Barbeque, and consisted of 30 pounds of
rubbed pork, two heads of cabbage, four wheels of
cheddar cheese, a dozen fried tarantula rings, and a
sprig of parsley. "The Slop Trough Cafe, on the lower
level of the mall, used to feature a 20-pound
armadillo sandwich, but the Peyote Pit prides itself
on serving only the largest of Tex-Mex cuisine,"
After we pushed our way through the teeming masses,
each person clutching a bowl of chicken parts in
various sauces, over rice, we found ourselves before
the Peyote Pit's fiery hearth. The heat was like what
Pat Robertson would wish on a Wiccan lesbian wedding.
Salazar ordered us two Macho Grandes. But our quest
was for naught. No more pork today. We would have to
wait until another shipload of swine arrived from
Tijuana next week, Salazar told me.
"Via con queso," he said. "Go with cheese, my friend."
Next time: Chapter 49 — Mano a Mano With the Big Gulp
(Transcribed by Slick Sharkey)