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May 9-13,


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May 13, 2005

Bush: Privatize Social Security or the Terrorists Win

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The White House press corps was taken aback Thursday when President Bush announced that his plan to reform Social Security was the key to defeating international terrorism. An awkward silence followed the president's statement as correspondents pondered his meaning. "How — why would this solve international terrorism?" John Roberts of CBS News eventually asked. Bush replied, "The terrorists don't like freedom. They don't want Americans to have the freedom to put their hard-earned money into private accounts that they choose. These folks hate freedom and liberty. They don't want independence for American retirement accounts." Reporters again fell silent and Bush took the opportunity to end the press conference, saying, "Are there any further questions? No? Orange alert! Terrorism ... BOOGEY BOOGEY BOOGEY! Goodnight and God bless America."

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Screenshots of Novelty eBay Auctions Now Available on eBay

LOS ANGELES (DPI) - Those who missed out on eBay auctions for Jennifer Wilbanks' wedding invitations or copies of the issues of Barely Legal magazine found in Michael Jackson's home may have a second chance at a novelty souvenir. Screenshots of the eBay auctions of these and other items, captured by savvy entrepreneurs, are now up for bid. "People want to be a part of history," said eBay executive Bob Simons. "If they can't actually be a part of history, they'll settle for a picture of the sale of a novelty bit of trash associated with history."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Japan Concerned About Nuclear Weapons for Some Reason

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President Bush admitted earlier today that he could not understand why Japan was so concerned about North Korea developing atomic weapons. The statement came in response to a question regarding the proper strategy for dealing with the rogue nation. Earlier this week, Japan had threatened to bring the issue to the United Nations after reports that a North Korean atomic test was imminent. The Bush administration, however, continued to insist on regional talks. "Sure it's an important issue, but I don't know why the Japanese are so twitchy about atomic weapons," said Bush, who then paused briefly as Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice ran to the podium to whisper in his ear. "What? You want me to nag a sock? Hero she mom? Condi, that just doesn't make any sense."

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Study on Government Waste Most Expensive Study Ever

Chappelle Explains Sudden Disappearance, Hiatus: "I've Gone Nuts, Bitch!"

Religious Grocer Refuses to Sell Customer Devil's Food Cake

Jackson Introduces Testimony from the 99,999,999 Boys He Did Not Molest

Robotic Dog Attacks Postage Meter

Pat O'Brien, Dr. Phil Share Stories of Doing Coke, Hookers Off-Air

Hollywood Finally Perfects Subliminal Advertising

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - For years, paranoid conspiracy theorists have accused Hollywood movie producers of using their films to send subliminal messages to moviegoers — accusations that have long been dismissed as the unfounded ramblings of complete nutjobs. But on the heels of the recent success of movies such as Sideways, it appears that film producers have, in fact, perfected this subtle mind-control technique. In the case of Sideways, a film about a pathetic, simpering wine enthusiast who takes his about-to-be-wed best friend out for one last hurrah in California's Wine Country, producers used subliminal messages to make people reject merlot in favor of pinot noir. The film features a scene in which Paul Giamatti's whiny, self-loathing oenophile screams, "I'm not drinking any fucking merlot!" Those who saw the film claim that this line persuaded them to choose pinot instead of merlot. Subliminal advertisers initially denied that the technology existed, but eventually were forced to tip their hand when the public began to realize that it would take more than a single line in a movie to convince the entire moviegoing public to change its wine-drinking habits. In many cases, long-time merlot drinkers said that though they had always loved merlot, they decided, on the basis of a sniveling line delivered by an unlikable character in an overrated movie, to stop drinking their favorite wine, apparently because they feared being mocked by a fictional character.

"It's really amazing," said Ivan Khrostan, president of the Subliminal Advertising Federation. "With this technology, all we had to do was take the intended message, which was 'Stop drinking merlot and start drinking pinot,' program that message into the subliminal messaging generator, insert the subliminal message into the film, and reinforce the subliminal commands by revising the script so that Paul Giamatti's character says, 'I'm not drinking any fucking merlot!' and all of a sudden, bam, nobody who has seen the movie is willing to drink merlot. The subliminal advertising technique took care of the rest."

"We had our doubts at first," said Russ T. Vines, executive director of the American Association of Pinot Noir Sellers. "But once we saw how many people, many of whom absolutely loved merlot, were willing to stop drinking the stuff in favor of pinot, we knew that it was worth the expense to try subliminal advertising."

Subliminal advertisers and film producers have reportedly been working for many years to no avail to develop a subliminal advertising technique. A combination of insufficient technology and stubbornness among filmgoers has previously thwarted all attempts at widespread subliminal advertising.

"With Sideways, we realized we had sort of a perfect storm," explained Jack Smith, film producer and chair of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Committee on Advertising Technology. "We had better technology, we had a film that was marginal, but seemed intelligent enough to merit being considered Oscar-worthy, and we had a film-going public that basically consisted of a bunch of slack-jawed, impressionable sheep."

The success of the AAPNS's Sideways campaign has many other companies looking into subliminal advertising. For example, McDonald's has reportedly paid the producers of the summer blockbuster comic book adaptation The Fantastic Four $25 million to feature a scene in which Mr. Fantastic tells Dr. Doom, "Only pussies eat Whoppers."

"This is a whole new marketing method," Strokhan stated. "Someday, commercials and billboards may be obsolete, replaced by subliminal advertising and pithy, semi-clever taglines that serve as triggers."

"Of course we'd do it again," said Vines. "Of all of the advertising methods we've tried, subliminal advertising made it possible to achieve and exceed our goals using nothing more than a stupid throw-away line in a hyped-up movie!"

(Reported by Geoff Brown)

Friday 13th May

So a man stomps some geese and the world catches fire. One can only shake one's head sadly. God, charming chap that he is, gave dominion of all the animals to the Sons of Adam, of which I happen to be a paid-up member, and if I wish to shoot a cat or drop kick a chipmunk, I have merely to show the concerned authorities my permit as first issued in Genesis. As it was then, so shall it be now; never the twain shall meet, and there's an end on it. Now, as to this current uproar, I smell the patchouli whiff of semantics in the air. The Indignophiles wish to paint a picture in your mind of a human bacterium leaping with relish onto the uncomprehending face of a cute and cuddly whatsit, if that's the word I want. They paint animal kickers like us into a corner with this tactic, because any defense of this man would attempt to replace the first mental image with a lesser picture of a simply agitated, obviously sane man leaping onto the orangey webbed foot first, and one then is compelled to thoughtfully imagine the stoical look of horrific pain a goose would evince on its otherwise expressionless face. Sadly, this reversal does not reverse the man's status in the mind. How are we kickers to proceed, then, and regain our rightful place in the public's eye? With the truth (and possibly by founding a lottery with terrible odds, which people seem to love): Animals, by and large, are pests. The vast majority of them peck or bite; a most unholy stink rises off the best of them; most of them insist rather rudely on being fed from our personal stores; and all of them deposit carcinogenic and pathogenic feces where little ones are at the greatest risk, places like sandboxes and toothbrushes. Yahweh, an infinitely praiseworthy geezer by all accounts, did us no favors with this animal business. Eating aside, they are more bother than they're worth. Kick the animals, I can almost hear the Creator saying. Kick them hard.

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