CURRENT ISSUE 5/13/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers To-Do List Ain't That America? Alaric the Visigoth Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch News from Travistan Movie Corner Riding Shotgun With Adventure Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	God's Vengeance Not Adhering to Falwell's Expectations LYNCHBURG, Va. (DPI) - Citing software problems that may delay them up to a week, The Jerry Falwell Center for the Assignment of Blame has yet to release its statement for the reasons God struck the Midwest with the recent spate of tornadoes. A source in the Center admitted the demographic numbers are bewildering their top minds. "Gays, fornicators, abortionists, Muslims, all fall way below the threshold," said the source. "Even Teletubby viewing is low in these areas." Undeterred, the Center reportedly refined its model to take in more detailed data. "It's too early to tell, but we're working with some Maxim subscription data which looks promising," said the source. "And a mall in Oklahoma City was dedicated by Grace (actress Debra Messing) from Will and Grace." But even without clear evidence, the source sought to put minds at ease, saying, "We're professionals here. Be certain we will let you know who God hates." (Reported by Davejames)
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