CURRENT ISSUE 5/13/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers To-Do List Ain't That America? Alaric the Visigoth Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch News from Travistan Movie Corner Riding Shotgun With Adventure Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Jessica Lynch's Heroism Celebrated With Crappy Made-for-TV Movie HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - NBC today announced its intention to produce a shitty, third-rate movie about Iraq War hero Jessica Lynch. Starring several has-been actors and featuring a predictable, overly-melodramatic storyline, the film will include numerous half-truths and lies in order to better appeal to the nation's lowest common denominator and to maximize ratings. The part of Lynch will be played by yet-to-be-determined former child star from an '80s sitcom whose career has been in a tailspin ever since. Ted Danson will play Lynch's non-existent physically abusive father, while Meredith Baxter will portray Lynch's completely fictitious alcoholic mother. Rick Shroeder will star as Lynch's made-up boyfriend who makes her choose between him and her country. Producers of the film also promised to devote at least 90 minutes to Lynch's inspiring, tear-jerking yet untrue battles with breast cancer and muscular dystrophy. (Reported by Miles Walker)
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