CURRENT ISSUE 5/13/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers To-Do List Ain't That America? Alaric the Visigoth Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch News from Travistan Movie Corner Riding Shotgun With Adventure Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Matrix Ruled a Monopoly WASHINGTON (DPI) - Government prosecutors in the anti-trust suit against the Matrix scored a victory when a judge ruled it a monopoly. The Justice Department successfully argued that the Ruling Race of Sentient Machines -- the Redmond, Wash.-based controlling entity of the Matrix -- inhibited fair enterprise by controlling every aspect of the waking and dream world. "By placing humans in fluid-filled containers hooked up as giant batteries living out a computer-generated existence, they have made competing realities by startup companies virtually impossible," said lead prosecutor Morpheus. "Additionally, they control the breeding fields, making access to the human race very difficult. Any company that wanted to enslave mankind by setting up its own operating system for the world was in for a nasty surprise. The Ruling Race of Sentient Machines may point to one or two people who operate outside the Matrix as proof of a level playing field, but as those outside will tell you, the Machines do every thing they can to squash the competition quickly." Antitrust experts are divided about whether the Matrix would settle. "As Justice did such a bang-up job proving, we are nothing more than energy-emitting blobs spending our lives in a pool of our own filth," said Duke University business Professor Arnold Manchester. "What is Justice going to do if it does win? They have to face up to the fact we are no more than giant sea monkeys to the machines and are really at their will. Besides, except for the occasional glitch, Matrix is actually fairly beneficial to the consumer." The Ruling Race of Sentient Machines could not be reached for comment. (Reported by Davejames)
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