CURRENT ISSUE 5/13/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers To-Do List Ain't That America? Alaric the Visigoth Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch News from Travistan Movie Corner Riding Shotgun With Adventure Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Monday 12th May Tiny green leaves unfurl from their buds and seem so hopeful, as though they've made a daring escape from a cigar-rolling factory and seek political asylum. The pre-pollinated air and blue skies are vivid and polarized, gleaming with a clarity that fairly takes the breath away. That said, my attorneys have sent along to me Sen. Hillary Clinton's forthcoming gaseous tome. They have highlighted sections that may be personally objectionable to me and asked me to look them over in light of a potential lawsuit or a stop-printing injunction. There are no fewer than seventy-five mentions of me and only a few of them are not defamatory or link me to a crime. A full five pages are given over to the night HRC and I rolled a drunken tourist in the D.C. Greyhound terminal and sold his electronics gear for some rather good booze. Are no secrets to be kept in this world, at all? My rather excellent lawyers will make sure all mentions of me are excised, and you will never see mention of me in your copy. I suggest that my lawyers offer the publishers a working subtitle: "... or How I, Mistakenly Believing I Had the Beauty of a Young Sharon Stone, and Deluded by a Cadre of Stolen-Souled Toadies, Labored Under the Misapprehension That I Ruled the World in the Name of Our Lord, Satan." But that, too, likely will die by editorial fiat. Damn shame, too. The whiskey was Maker's Mark, if I remember correctly, and the red sealing wax from the bottle's neck made for a pensive digestif the morning after.
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