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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
Daily Probe Staffer Greg Preece's Mom

Dear Greg's Mom:

I'm a 25-year-old single woman in Milwaukee. I'd like to think that I'm attractive enough, but the men around here never seem to pay that much attention to me. What's worse, I'm too shy to make the first move. What's wrong with me?

Manless In Milwaukee

Dear MIM:

Aw. She sounds like such a nice girl, doesn't she, Greg? You know, you could use a nice girl like that yourself. She reminds me of that nice Tammy girl you used to date. Remember Tammy? She was sweet. I was so hurt when you said it didn't work out. But you always manage to find something wrong with them, don't you? I swear, getting you to date anyone longer than six months is like pulling teeth. Oh, right, the advice. I wouldn't worry about it, sweetie. It's not you, it's the men around you that have the problem. I mean, just ask my son, he'll tell you how selfish and demanding men can be. They don't care that they're hurting your feelings, just like they don't care that their parents are getting older and want to have grandchildren while they can still enjoy them, isn't that right, Greg? I say get over your confidence problem and just start asking these guys out. And be sure to meet their mothers. Nobody knows a man as well as his mother. Don't you look at me like that, young man!

Greg's Mom

Dear Greg's Mom:

There's this foreman in the factory I work in, and I swear, you'd think that this lummox was still in elementary school! He walks around bullying everyone he sees, and knows he can get away with it because he's the boss. The other guys on the line and me are really getting sick of it, but we don' t know where to start. Should we file a grievance with the union?

Frustrated In Flint

Dear FIF:

Oh, this reminds me so much of you when you were younger, Greg. Remember how everyone wanted to pick on you because you were so much smarter than them? You were such a special boy. Well, FIF, I'll tell you the same thing I told Greg. First, don't file that grievance, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, do they, Greg? Remember what happened to you when you told on that boy? We had to buy you new glasses after that, which weren't cheap, you know. You got into so many fights with those boys it was like your father had to buy you new glasses every month! Anyhow, FIF, I say don't worry about it. He only picks on you because he's jealous. He probably knows what a special little guy you are and he wants to be more like you. Why don't you just walk up to him and say you want to be his friend -- DON'T you roll your eyes at me like that, Gregory! If you'd taken this advice things would have gone a lot better for you with your school chums. Honestly, I don't even know why you' re asking me to give THESE people advice, when you never take my advice yourself!

Greg's Mom

Dear Greg's Mom:

I'm a 30-year-old man whose mother is always trying to run his life and tell him what to do! She's always lecturing me about my personal life, even when I do something nice like ask her to write an advice column for me.

Tormented in Toronto

Dear Ingrate:

That's not funny. I swear, I don't know why I put up with you some days. You're such a trial! It's probably why you're still single. Forget it, come over here and give your Mom a hug. Awww. And MIM, you should call my son. His number is 416-89-- Greg? Where are you going? I'm just trying to help!

Greg's Mom

(Transcribed by Greg Preece)

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