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May 16-20,
2005

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May 16, 2005

Capitol Evacuated After Democrat Breaches Bush Bubble

WASHINGTON (DPI) – Newly released details indicate that last week's evacuation of the White House and the Capitol building became necessary after a stray Democrat was inadvertently permitted inside President Bush's dissent-free zone. Security officials detected Peter Simons wandering unmuzzled within a three-mile radius of President Bush's Social Security town hall meeting. Military jets escorted the democrat, who had slipped past Bush's ideological screeners, back to the nearest Free Speech Zone, two counties over. After the Democratic threat was neutralized, President Bush was allowed to emerge from his protective bunker, where he had been under orders to watch re-runs of "The 700 Club." Special security procedures continued in the Capitol, where police ensured that no Democratic lawmakers were allowed on the House floor or near any of the voting equipment.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Star Trek Finale Forces Humans to Consider Shitty Reality of Their Species

EARTH (DPI) – The series finale of Star Trek: Enterprise has left mankind without a Star Trek television show for the first time in decades. Across the planet, humans have had no choice but to come to terms with their own civilization's depressing shortcomings. "Star Trek allowed me to imagine a future utopia for humanity in which everyone was treated as equals," said sci-fi fan John Spencer. "Without it, I'm forced to deal with my country's discrimination against homosexuals and the still-prominent black/white racial conflict." Avanish Santhanam of Mumbai agreed. "In the Star Trek universe, humanity united to help the less fortunate and worked collectively for the benefit of all mankind," he said. "Now what am I supposed to do? Dwell on the child sex trade and the de facto continuance of my country's caste system? That's no fun." Many now fear that without Star Trek humans will have to wait several hundred years before they again see an appealing portrayal of their species.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Zero Pitstops Gives Prius First NASCAR Win

Catholics Weigh Options as 30-Day Trial Period for New Pope Winds Down

Anonymous Donor Fails to Sign Check

Recent Box Office Failures Attributed to Everything Except Shitty Movies

Senate Committee Gives Bolton the Thumb Sideways

Silhouette Artist Accused of Profiling

Daily Probe Prints Another Star Wars Article to Boost Readership

LOS ANGELES (DPI) – The online satirical newspaper The Daily Probe has published another article about Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith in what many humor industry insiders believe to be a shameless grab for readers. The upcoming theatrical release of the surefire blockbuster has sparked millions of Internet searches for keywords such as George Lucas, Darth Vader, Skywalker, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor and Samuel L. Jackson. Search experts at Google suspect that The Daily Probe may be purposefully incorporating these and other popular search terms such as Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mace Windu, Padmé, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, and C-3PO into their published articles in order to drive traffic to the DailyProbe.com website. Satire competitors claim that this is the latest in a growing trend of publicity stunts The Daily Probe is using to tighten its stranglehold on the humor industry.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)

Musing With Mitch

by Mitchell Kobriger

I think newspapers have become outdated, useless and obsolete. My dog prefers going on magazines.

Take it from Mitch: Club sandwiches were better when membership was restricted. Ha! That's a good one!

When I was a kid, I had a little red wagon I took everywhere. Man, I'd love to take that thing to the supermarket nowadays.

Call me crazy, but I'm gonna put my private Social Security account in Enron stock. Call it a hunch.

I know I'm gonna catch hell for saying this, but here goes: We need a law saying you should have to be Polish to make and sell Polish sausage.

Idea! If they could find a way to take that annoying crunch out of granola, they just might have something there.

What this country really needs is a return to the fine comedy stylings of Rosalynn Carter.

When I was younger, I used to keep a list of things I would like to see someday. Now, I find it's easier just to keep a list of things I've seen and wish I hadn't.

Mitch's favorite card: the 10 of hearts. It speaks to me.

Two minutes in the microwave? Something tells ol' Mitch those "instant" noodle folks are trying to pull a fast one over on us.

Is "cuddle time" over-rated or altogether unnecessary? I'm as sensitive as the next guy, so for now I'll go with over-rated.

A dog can only truly be a dog when it has one of those little cut-off nub tails.

Back in the day, I was strictly a 10w-30 man. Now, with so many motor oils to chose from, I'm ashamed to admit I'm all over the damn place.

Most people don't like those pop-up ads on the Internet, but I think they're kind of fun. In fact, if someone came up with a software program that *attracted* pop-up ads, I'd probably be first in line to buy it.

Not only do I let a smile be my umbrella, but I have this little eyelid spasm that works great as galoshes.