DHS Chief: "Where Was Pants-Shitting Terror?"
WASHINGTON (DPI) – Many Americans do not know how to properly react to the
threat of a terror event, according to a worried government official.
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said the
public's reaction to last Wednesday's Capitol Hill evacuation was somewhat
underwhelming. “The Threat Condition was Red, people! Red! Not that pussy
Orange crap we had every other week with Tom Ridge in charge. We had
Threat Condition Baboon's Ass Motherfuckin' Red! Where was the
pants-shitting terror?" said Chertoff. In particular, Chertoff said he was
“disappointed" by relatively low levels of screaming, desperate pleas to
deities and befouling of undergarments caused by the airplane that entered
restricted airspace near the Capitol. “It was a Cessna, not an ultralight!
You can get almost a week's worth of groceries in one of those things! Do
you know how much damage a week's worth of nuclear groceries would
do to Capitol Hill? You should still be pissing yourselves!"
(Reported by Carl Knorr)
Health Department Upholds Finger Lickin' Ban
COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) - The Ohio Department of Health has
reinstated its 2003 ban on finger lickin' at the state's 147 KFC
restaurant locations. Officials cited "questionable deliciousness," "poor
table manners" and "dirty fingers" as reasons for the reinstatement. "In
the interest of public health, the state of Ohio has reaffirmed its
position on finger lickin', which will continue to be in effect for both
extra-crispy and original-recipe customers," said department spokesman
Jackie Russert. Ohio's health department is known to be among the
strictest in the nation, also famously banning the "double-dipping" of
partially-eaten french fries in 2001.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Smoker's Life Saved by Wonderful Stranger
CLEVELAND (DPI) - Ronald Wellington has a local woman to thank for saving
his life today. Samantha Graves noticed something out of place as she
passed by Wellington on her normal jogging route, and soon realized he was
smoking a cigarette. She stopped and informed him, "You know, those things
will kill ya!" Wellington's face went white as he plucked the cigarette
from his lips in horror. After a second he regained his composure enough
to speak, "What? They will? My God, look at this gigantic warning label
right on the pack! You're absolutely right! Jesus Christ, why didn't
anyone ever warn me before? God bless you for being such a caring individual!"
(Reported by Scott Haworth)
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How Funny -- You Thought
I Was Urinating on Your Food!
A guest Probeatorial
by Wade Lott
Boy, that's a good one. Now why on earth would I do
such a strange thing? Granted, it wasn't very nice of
you to refer to me as "Zit Face" when I took your
order. But that would have been no excuse for me to
pee on your burger -- after all, I'm a trained family
restaurant professional. I know all the dos and
don'ts of the trade. And yes, I've been caught doing
that sort of thing before, but that was back when I
was 16. Everything else I've prepared in the 14
months since then has been one hundred percent urine-free.
I'll swear on a stack of fucking bibles, if you want me to.
Here's what really happened just now. (You've got to
follow me here, it's really pretty funny.) What
looked to you like my flaccid cock urinating on your
burger was actually a plastic bottle of water that I
happened to be holding at about nad height. I squirted a
little H2O on the hot grill, which created the cloud
of steam that you saw. It's a little trick we use in
the culinary biz to melt the cheese. Try it at home
sometime, I think you'll agree that it's an effective
technique. The bottle is sort of red and
phallic-shaped, so I can see how you became confused.
But what about the part where you thought you saw me
shoving the paper plate into my drawers and wiping my
ass with it? Actually, I was merely tucking
the plate into the pocket of my apron. It's a
convenient place to hold it so I don't lose it. Don't
worry, I wash my apron every shift.
Bottom line: it doesn't seem to make much sense to
bother the district manager or my probation officer
over such a simple little misunderstanding. "Believe
nothing that you hear and only half of what you see."
Ever heard that one? Good words to live by.
Don't worry, I'm not going to hold any grudges over
this. In fact, your money's no good here tonight --
this meal's on me, buddy. Bon Apetit.
(Transcribed by Miles Walker)