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CURRENT ISSUE Week of May 16-20, 2005 Monday Wednesday Friday Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Health Department Upholds Finger Lickin' Ban COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) - The Ohio Department of Health has reinstated its 2003 ban on finger lickin' at the state's 147 KFC restaurant locations. Officials cited "questionable deliciousness," "poor table manners" and "dirty fingers" as reasons for the reinstatement. "In the interest of public health, the state of Ohio has reaffirmed its position on finger lickin', which will continue to be in effect for both extra-crispy and original-recipe customers," said department spokesman Jackie Russert. Ohio's health department is known to be among the strictest in the nation, also famously banning the "double-dipping" of partially-eaten french fries in 2001. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) Smoker's Life Saved by Wonderful Stranger CLEVELAND (DPI) - Ronald Wellington has a local woman to thank for saving his life today. Samantha Graves noticed something out of place as she passed by Wellington on her normal jogging route, and soon realized he was smoking a cigarette. She stopped and informed him, "You know, those things will kill ya!" Wellington's face went white as he plucked the cigarette from his lips in horror. After a second he regained his composure enough to speak, "What? They will? My God, look at this gigantic warning label right on the pack! You're absolutely right! Jesus Christ, why didn't anyone ever warn me before? God bless you for being such a caring individual!" (Reported by Scott Haworth) |
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 Pope Waives Five-Year Waiting Period for John Paul's Hall of Fame Balloting Rumsfeld Seeks to Close Blue States Condi Rice Plays Surprise Set at Asbury Park Nightclub Star Wars Fever Kills 22,000 Tiger Woods Misses Byron Nelson Cut; Blames Double Bogey on Windmill Hole 
I Was Urinating on Your Food!
Boy, that's a good one. Now why on earth would I do such a strange thing? Granted, it wasn't very nice of you to refer to me as "Zit Face" when I took your order. But that would have been no excuse for me to pee on your burger -- after all, I'm a trained family restaurant professional. I know all the dos and don'ts of the trade. And yes, I've been caught doing that sort of thing before, but that was back when I was 16. Everything else I've prepared in the 14 months since then has been one hundred percent urine-free. I'll swear on a stack of fucking bibles, if you want me to. Here's what really happened just now. (You've got to follow me here, it's really pretty funny.) What looked to you like my flaccid cock urinating on your burger was actually a plastic bottle of water that I happened to be holding at about nad height. I squirted a little H2O on the hot grill, which created the cloud of steam that you saw. It's a little trick we use in the culinary biz to melt the cheese. Try it at home sometime, I think you'll agree that it's an effective technique. The bottle is sort of red and phallic-shaped, so I can see how you became confused. But what about the part where you thought you saw me shoving the paper plate into my drawers and wiping my ass with it? Actually, I was merely tucking the plate into the pocket of my apron. It's a convenient place to hold it so I don't lose it. Don't worry, I wash my apron every shift. Bottom line: it doesn't seem to make much sense to bother the district manager or my probation officer over such a simple little misunderstanding. "Believe nothing that you hear and only half of what you see." Ever heard that one? Good words to live by. Don't worry, I'm not going to hold any grudges over this. In fact, your money's no good here tonight -- this meal's on me, buddy. Bon Apetit. (Transcribed by Miles Walker) |
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or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission. |
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