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May 18, 2005

DHS Chief: "Where Was Pants-Shitting Terror?"

WASHINGTON (DPI) – Many Americans do not know how to properly react to the threat of a terror event, according to a worried government official. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said the public's reaction to last Wednesday's Capitol Hill evacuation was somewhat underwhelming. “The Threat Condition was Red, people! Red! Not that pussy Orange crap we had every other week with Tom Ridge in charge. We had Threat Condition Baboon's Ass Motherfuckin' Red! Where was the pants-shitting terror?" said Chertoff. In particular, Chertoff said he was “disappointed" by relatively low levels of screaming, desperate pleas to deities and befouling of undergarments caused by the airplane that entered restricted airspace near the Capitol. “It was a Cessna, not an ultralight! You can get almost a week's worth of groceries in one of those things! Do you know how much damage a week's worth of nuclear groceries would do to Capitol Hill? You should still be pissing yourselves!"

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Health Department Upholds Finger Lickin' Ban

COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) - The Ohio Department of Health has reinstated its 2003 ban on finger lickin' at the state's 147 KFC restaurant locations. Officials cited "questionable deliciousness," "poor table manners" and "dirty fingers" as reasons for the reinstatement. "In the interest of public health, the state of Ohio has reaffirmed its position on finger lickin', which will continue to be in effect for both extra-crispy and original-recipe customers," said department spokesman Jackie Russert. Ohio's health department is known to be among the strictest in the nation, also famously banning the "double-dipping" of partially-eaten french fries in 2001.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Smoker's Life Saved by Wonderful Stranger

CLEVELAND (DPI) - Ronald Wellington has a local woman to thank for saving his life today. Samantha Graves noticed something out of place as she passed by Wellington on her normal jogging route, and soon realized he was smoking a cigarette. She stopped and informed him, "You know, those things will kill ya!" Wellington's face went white as he plucked the cigarette from his lips in horror. After a second he regained his composure enough to speak, "What? They will? My God, look at this gigantic warning label right on the pack! You're absolutely right! Jesus Christ, why didn't anyone ever warn me before? God bless you for being such a caring individual!"

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Pope Waives Five-Year Waiting Period for John Paul's Hall of Fame Balloting

Rumsfeld Seeks to Close Blue States

Condi Rice Plays Surprise Set at Asbury Park Nightclub

Star Wars Fever Kills 22,000

Tiger Woods Misses Byron Nelson Cut; Blames Double Bogey on Windmill Hole

How Funny -- You Thought
I Was Urinating on Your Food!

A guest Probeatorial
by Wade Lott

Boy, that's a good one. Now why on earth would I do such a strange thing? Granted, it wasn't very nice of you to refer to me as "Zit Face" when I took your order. But that would have been no excuse for me to pee on your burger -- after all, I'm a trained family restaurant professional. I know all the dos and don'ts of the trade. And yes, I've been caught doing that sort of thing before, but that was back when I was 16. Everything else I've prepared in the 14 months since then has been one hundred percent urine-free. I'll swear on a stack of fucking bibles, if you want me to.

Here's what really happened just now. (You've got to follow me here, it's really pretty funny.) What looked to you like my flaccid cock urinating on your burger was actually a plastic bottle of water that I happened to be holding at about nad height. I squirted a little H2O on the hot grill, which created the cloud of steam that you saw. It's a little trick we use in the culinary biz to melt the cheese. Try it at home sometime, I think you'll agree that it's an effective technique. The bottle is sort of red and phallic-shaped, so I can see how you became confused.

But what about the part where you thought you saw me shoving the paper plate into my drawers and wiping my ass with it? Actually, I was merely tucking the plate into the pocket of my apron. It's a convenient place to hold it so I don't lose it. Don't worry, I wash my apron every shift.

Bottom line: it doesn't seem to make much sense to bother the district manager or my probation officer over such a simple little misunderstanding. "Believe nothing that you hear and only half of what you see." Ever heard that one? Good words to live by.

Don't worry, I'm not going to hold any grudges over this. In fact, your money's no good here tonight -- this meal's on me, buddy. Bon Apetit.

(Transcribed by Miles Walker)

The Daily Probe Poll

This weeks' Daily Probe poll examines Americans' increasingly polarized views about President Bush.

What do you think of George W. Bush's performance as president?

I would crawl through a giant mound of red ants just to salute his boots. - 41%
I wish I could rip out my own intestines to strangle him with them. - 52%

What do you think of the war in Iraq?

Worth every drop of somebody else's child's blood. - 38%
Call me when we torture someone that had something to do with 9/11. - 47%

What do you think of President Bush's stance on religion and moral values?

He is God's appointed minister on Earth. - 42%
Expecting the Red Sea to open and swallow him up at any minute. - 47%

What do you think of President Bush's Social Security plan?

Cut my benefits, make me eat dog food, I'm just so fucking proud to be an American! - 24%
Why don't you just put us all in Halliburton rest homes? - 63%

What do you think about the overall direction and health of the nation right now?

Forget the Second Coming, Bush has achieved paradise on Earth already. - 33%
Please disconnect my feeding tube. - 49%

(Compiled by Slick Sharkey)

The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday
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