"Mobile Germ Lab" Actually Dirty, Musty RV



BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Despite their inability to find evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, U.S. officials today conceded that a "mobile germ lab" discovered outside Baghdad is actually nothing more than Saddam Hussein's badly neglected camper. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld admitted that the "biological weapons" found inside were not anthrax or smallpox, but rather a 3-month-old moldy, half-eaten egg salad sandwich and an unfinished bottle of Yoo-Hoo. Rumsfeld nonetheless celebrated the find, saying that had either substance been placed in a warhead, it could have inundated a major U.S. city with "horrific levels of stank."

(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)


Clinton Consults With Alaric the Visigoth

NEW YORK CITY (DPI) - Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., fueled rumors surrounding her undeclared presidential candidacy by admitting to secret meetings with Alaric, King of the Visigoths. "As one facing many bloody political battles, I felt it appropriate to seek Alaric's advice," Clinton said, denying they met to plan a run for the White House. Alaric, whose horde brought classical civilization to an end and ushered in the Dark Ages, called Clinton "a worthy Amazon, remorseless in battle and unslakeable in bloodlust." Alaric declined to comment on Clinton's presidential plans, but said, "The Democratic horde would do well to follow the Merciless Iron of Hillary the Icy."

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)


Ashcroft: "Wussy Terrorists Aren't Even Trying"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Attorney General John Ashcroft accused al-Qaeda of being "wussy scaredy-cats" for not even trying any attacks in recent weeks. "We started a war in the Middle East, for Jesus' sake," Ashcroft said. "Where's all that terrorist blow-back we were warned about? Where's all the enraged volunteers to your cause? We've got National Guard troops stationed at all our important landmarks just sitting there, bored to tears. At least give them something to shoot at, guys!" Ashcroft continued, "Since 9/11, the best you've managed is that freak with the sneakers. I thought you girly-girls were more fanatical than that."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Deep Blue Proves Picard Kicks Kirk's Butt

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (DPI) - Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have reprogrammed Deep Blue, a chess-playing supercomputer, giving detailed statistical models to ascertain the chances of Federation starship captains Jean-Luc Picard and James Tiberius Kirk to save humanity from a million simulations of typical galaxy-threatening situations. The results: in 78 percent of the simulations, Picard "kicked Kirk's pasty Iowa ass all over the Alpha Quadrant," said Assistant Prof. J. G. Hertzler, a Picard partisan. "The suave, sophisticated Picard, using brains as well as his not-insignificant brawn, out-thought, out-fought and flat out cleaned Kirk's tricorder."

(Reported by Joseph Moore)


Pirates Demand Inclusion in New Affirmative Action Policy

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Scores of pirate crews stormed the capital today to protest the government's neglect in excluding pirates as a minority group. "Arrr, it be a cryin' shame that we ol' seadogs don't have the same opportunities that ye olde upper-, white middle- and high-class be having during these dark times," said Capt. Ron "Red-Eyes" Cannon. His band of mighty pirates protested in a Million "Arr" March that started from the northeast bank of the Tidal Basin. The merry group made an effigy of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas walking the plank, chanting, "Yo ho ho, yo ho hee, our pirate rights are in jeo-par-dee," and of course, began looting and pillaging.

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

"Mrs. Anthrax," "Dr. Germ" Cast in Next Batman Sequel