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May 23-27,
2005

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May 23, 2005

Pizza Hut Debuts New "Big Box o' Cheese" Pizza

NEW YORK (DPI) – With the recent success of its stuffed- crust and triple-stuffed-crust pizzas, Pizza Hut has been under pressure to engineer an even cheesier pizza. That pressure paid off this week with the unveiling of the new Pizza Hut Big Box o' Cheese pizza. The pizza consists of a whopping three and a half pounds of melted mozzarella cheese. Dough and sauce have been eliminated from the recipe. While traditional toppings such as pepperoni are unavailable, customers do have the option of requesting extra cheese. Some traditionalists have argued that the new pizza is actually not a pizza at all, and health officials have been quick to label it the Big Box o' Heart Disease.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Ohio Politician: Supreme Court Ruling to Create "Pinot Noirgies in Streets"

COLUMBUS, Ohio (DPI) – State Rep. Randall Fenzer (R-Ashtabula) strongly decried last week's Supreme Court ruling invalidating bans on interstate wine shipments in 21 states, including Ohio. "These activist judges have just opened a Pandora's Box of debauchery and moral degradation," Fenzer said in response to the ruling that will soon allow Ohioans to purchase California wines over the Internet. "Before this vile undermining of good Christian values of the people of Ohio, our citizens actually had to travel to California or their corner grocery to taste a Pinot Noir. Now they can have the devil's brew shipped directly to their homes." The Lake Erie wine country representative ranted on in great detail about "Pinot Noirgies in the streets of Cleveland" and "rampant Zinfandelity in the bedrooms of Dayton" for 40 minutes before wiping the rabid froth from his mouth, boarding his horse and buggy and fervently shunning the State House.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)

Anorexic Lindsay Lohan Fails to Fulfill SNL Viewer's Masturbation Fantasy

Saddam Inks Endorsement Deal With Fruit of the Loom

Trump Calls for 100-Story, Middle-Finger-Shaped Tower That Points Toward Mecca

Bob Schieffer Ditched in Favor of CSI: Evening News

Dog Recalled as Rollover Risk

Britney and Kevin on Track to Become Next Roseanne and Tom

Study Shows Readers Ignore Articles With Dull Headlines

NEW YORK (DPI) – A recent study by the National Media Survey Group has discovered that no one will read a newspaper article if the headline is not compelling. This means that the body of an article with a boring headline is most often completely irrelevant. Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white as snow. Old New York was once New Amsterdam. Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity. We the People of the United States. Antidisestablishmentarianism is a big word. Blah blah blah blah blah.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Newsweek: Pentagon Hires Charmin, American Standard to Develop More Flushable Quran

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The "Toiletgate" scandal that rocked the White House and the Middle East last week erupted again today as Newsweek magazine reported that the Department of Defense awarded a $25-million contract to the nation's leading bathroom tissue and toilet manufacturers to develop a "flush-friendly" Quran.

"The Quran-flushing at Gitmo is really pissing off the maintenance guys down there," the magazine quoted an unnamed Pentagon official as saying. "Those friggin' water-conserving, low-flow crappers can't handle a post-Thanksgiving dinner dump, much less a holy book." Military interrogators are said to be hopeful that the new toilet-ready Quran will dissolve more easily when soaked in "red, white and blue" urine and fecal matter. Newsweek plans to retract the article after selling a record number of the glossy fish wraps.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan was quick to condemn the report, blaming Newsweek for violent anti-American protests in the Middle East, all U.S. casualties in the Iraq War, President Bush's floundering plan to privatize Social Security, Terri Schiavo's death and Boston Rob and Amber's loss on The Amazing Race.

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Notable quotes from this week's news:

"'Charmin,' 'Quran.' Easy enough mistake."

- Newsweek, acknowledging errors in a story claiming military interrogators flushed Islam's holy book down a toilet. The apology sparked further violence in Afghanistan.

"South Koreans have a long, proud tradition of not getting blown to bits."

- A South Korean spokesman on concessions to lure North Korea back to nuclear talks.

"We've brushed up on the difference between things like 'Warp Drive' and 'Hyperdrive.'"

- A suicide phone operator commenting on the Star Wars and Star Trek franchises ending the same week.

"That's right, a theory, and not a very good one. I've gone to the zoo for like hours and haven't seen a monkey change one hair."

- Stephen Meyer on his advocacy for introducing Intelligent Design into Kansas schools.

"You have to deal with them. They've positioned themselves smack dab in the middle on the country with all those crucial highways running through."

- Evolution scholar Joe Dunkin pondering the elimination of Kansas.

"Same as all the other 'Survivor' winners -- try to buy my dignity back."

- Winner Tom Westman on what his plans for his prize money.

(Compiled by Davejames)